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That was funny and yes, it will get easier.

There ya go, Muse.

Now you know that:

1. You can do this, and do it with charm and aplomb
2. He's paying attention.



You're a quick learner, Muse. You got this right.



Now it's time for the warning. Just to make sure that you keep your good grounding. Sometimes when things are going well, they will pick fights or push buttons just to make sure that they're not confused (which they are). Resist that bait and just keep on keeping on. With practice it really DOES get easier. Then at some point down the road, you wake up and realize that you actually DID change. It's kind of liberating.

People who know and love me - especially family members - always knew me as an impatient Aries girl. I'm very proud to say that I no longer wear that moniker. In fact, one of my aunts commented a few years ago, "Betsey has been impatient all her life" when my mom chirped in, "That was true long ago, but she is one of the most patient people in our family now." I had no idea my mom has been paying attention.

So keep up the good work!

Betsey

I agree with PM, you did great! He was probably expecting a R, S or D conversation and likely was pleasantly surprised that you didn't bring it up, but just made light, fluffy talk. Well done! Keep all conversations similar to this.

Yesterday I called him. I had to ask him to drop off something of mine. He was very cool and business like. Ouch. I said nothing. Right after I got off work, he called to apologize for his behaviour and told me I don't deserve that.

But this is the pattern, we have a nice talk/evening/date? where he opens up, then ba k behind his wall, I am treated like an unwanted customer, the apology and then days of silence. Wash, rinse, repeat.

It's hard

Totally ouch. But at least he called back and apologized! I would love to hear that from H. Any movement really, lol.

You said it, wash rinse repeat! love it.

Muse - this is common for me as well. W will open up, be funny, flirty, laugh. Then two days later, almost angry, quiet, ignore me.

I think they let the wall slip a little, realize it, and slam it back into place. If you stay consistent, it'll change.

I'm preaching this to myself as well!

Very true Jon. I have often said something funny or flirty to my H and he reacted as he would have when we were doing well, smiling, laughing. And then immediately there is a flash of realizing what he did and he reverts back to alien man. Very curious thing to watch.

Muse, Jon and Pud,

Good for noticing the high point: he apologized. This is a big clue that they are watching everything you do/not do and say/not say very carefully. He knows when he's being a jerk. As long as you don't revert to old behaviors, you're going to encourage the good side of him to show his face.

This is what applies to all of you. They *need* the distance that being a jerk provides them. Does this make sense? As long as you don't take the bait and pursue, react or retaliate, you might see this guy more often.

I married and divorced a nice guy. XH doesn't like being a jerk. Really. (I mean we all have jerky moments, so I'm not saying that jerkiness disappears forever.) But he doesn't like behaving in a manner that is opposite of how he was raised. It sounds like you are married to a similar guy.

That being said, it is imperative (and I cannot stress this enough), that you stifle any negative reactions to jerkiness. If you have to comment on stuff that hurts, just say "OUCH". And walk away.

Muse, I've been divorced for 8+ years, but I managed to DB the hell out of a guy who was my good friend before we dated and get THAT guy back. We have a disabled daughter, and I knew the only way to make things work would be to create a new R that works for our family. Every once in awhile, he's jerky. He has a tendency to lecture me. (Don't like that guy much.) He has a very stressful job that has him traveling way more than when we were married. And sometimes jerky guy says stuff that is mean. If it's small hurt, he'll usually apologize on the spot or call me later. If it's bigger and he doesn't, I can now call him and ask him if he's okay because he wasn't his usual nice guy. That usually brings us to a good air-cleaning conversation. And a sincere apology. And then Mr. Pleasant returns.

And guess what? Sometimes it's ME who's the jerk. And he can safely call me out for being overreactive without worrying that I will go off on him.

But I had 2 years of great practice and working with Laurie (a great DB coach here) to change how I reacted to situations and button pushing.

You can do this.

He's practically telling you that he's watching and okay coming around to this different you. Make it comfortable to be around you and your D.

As long as you keep the mantra "NO EXPECTATIONS" you will be okay. Don't expect nice guy to come around for good. He's testing you. So drop that rope and just continue doing your Musey things.

What are you doing to pursue your own interests and keeping your PMA up? (I love reading how you guys do this...)



LOL, that's a great observation. Don't take it personally. Remember, he needs his space. But what you don't realize yet? So do you... time and space is your very best friend right now. So optimize this.

Keep going. You're doing a great job.

Betsey

p.s. I just realized something and have to ask:



Was there an ulterior motive on your part for making this request? Or was it necessary? Because this horse can sense hidden agendas... even if it was necessary, he might see this as pursuit and manipulation on your part. Capisce?

Oh wow peeps....thanks for the advice, ideas and supportive comments. I feel like I'm a bit of a loose cannon today, but I refuse to pick up the phone. I will not call him, and be that sad person. I can be sad on my own, but I'm not calling to let him know that.

If it is true that he is practically telling me that he is open to a calmer and different me, then I will be that person!

And yes, I really did have to call him. I have our dog right now, but H has the freezer full of frozen raw food, and I am almost out.

I guess I could have just texted, but I thought a warmer friendly tone to my request would be better. What I got was a cold polite stranger...but he did call to apologize, so maybe I did do it right?