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I will keep posting...

So h and I went to counseling. It was very hard to hear a lot of things he said.

Basically he said he has grown resentful of me and that killed his love for me, while he is in love with ow and intends to start a life with her.

I think for the first time, it made me listen to him.

He wants to go back there individually because he has some "questions" to ask the therapist that he thinks would hurt me if I heard. I wonder what those are.

He has mentioned that he is worried that he would not stop having feelings for the ow and that I would never forgive him.

Now on to take a shower and absorb all that.

Today I've been thinking that if h wants to leave, I will let him go, even though we only have a few weeks until the birth of the baby. I'm actually tempted to ask him to leave, if he keeps talking with ow.

I need help deciphering dh.

While he keeps on talking about the future as if we will in fact end, he:

- invites me for everything and is adamant about us going together
- turns off iPad and pc to watch tv with me, whereas before deployment, he would be reading the news and that bugged the crap out of me because I felt like we weren't enjoying something together
- has gone to two counseling sessions and will go tomorrow on his own because he has some questions
- when we talk about our relationship, he always goes back to not believing that I could forgive him
- he doesn't reach out to touch me, but the few times I touched him, he reciprocated, such as, I put my head on his shoulder and he rests his head on mine.

Am I reading too much into this?

So h came back from therapy very quiet. He played a lot with our son, bathed him, but didn't interact with me much. He wasn't friendly or anything. I wonder what happened there.

But just as soon as he came home, he said: we have an appointment for next Thursday and it's up to you to go by yourself or go together.

Then he went on to talk about other things and said he will buy some hooks for the garage, so he can hang bycicles and things like that. A man who is leaving doesnt talk about stuff like that, but a man who is staying is also not cold and distant.

This morning I asked H if he wanted to go back to the therapist individually or as a couple. He said he would do either. If I wanted him to be there, he would be.

He said, however: "if we are going to go through this, we have to follow their advice. You have yet to follow any advice that was given"

He is referring to the fact that both counselors we went to had asked me to stop talking about R.

He says it just pushes him away, but I don't see how we can get anything resolved without talking about it. Can anyone enlighten me?

Then he said, "following their advice is very very hard" I think the therapist asked him to cut contact with OW or refrain from doing anything legal until I have the baby. I'm not sure.

I decided to give H a choice to either stop the relationship with the other woman and work on this marriage, or leave and start the separation process.

His plan was to stay here until the baby is six months while I raise the kids and clean and cook for him, while he goes out with another woman. This is beyond immoral and hurtful to me.

I understand that I may end up in deep financial trouble living by myself with two kids, but I have to conserve some of my dignity.

He thinks I'm being unfair and doesn't see anything morally wrong with what he is doing to me and our kids. In his head he thinks I'm just trying to keep the boys away from him. It's crazy.

Anyway, this may happen sooner than later. He is not acting normal and I just don't want to be hurt anymore.

Oh yes, it happens a lot. Many marriages have survived infidelity. Often the LBS will hear exactly what you have, that the WAS doesn't love them anymore, that the OP hung the moon and is the only person for them, that there's no chance they'll ever change their mind, etc. etc. There are chemicals that are released into the system when we get involved with someone new, that's where the "puppy love" feelings come from. Most affairs crap out within 6 months because those puppy love feelings are not sustainable. That's not to say he will definitely come back, there are no guarantees. But there is definitely hope.



Did you read the link to Sandi's tips that I posted on the previous page? Those are kind of the DR crib notes. That's what you need to do.



Go along if that's what he wants, but MC never helps when a WAS is one or both feet out the door. Do not initiate any MC discussion yourself. Don't push him into it. But if he initiates it, then it's OK for you to go.



He'll go back and forth a lot, get used to it. Sometimes it'll seem everything is fine and he wants the M, other times he'll be grumpy or even an outright monster.



That too is fairly normal from a WAS. He doesn't want to touch you. He probably isn't "disgusted", it's more like it doesn't feel right to him.



If you're starting these then stop. Read Sandi's rules and live them. Do not ever initiate R or M talks. If he initiates, then just listen and validate, don't try to reason/ beg/ plead/ negotiate.

So I got the book today and read the sandi's rules, so officially I am starting Dbing today.

H came home stressed with work. I just listened. He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner at our favorite place. I said ok and just waited for him to finish a drink.

I would usually nag that he was taking too long and that would be too late to take the toddler to a restaurant. Instead, I just waited.

Sure enough, our toddler cried the entire time. He is teething and keeping us awake with his crying at night as well, btw. H got annoyed and S1 dumped water all over him by accident. H immediately yelled at me for not watching our son. I could barely finish my meal and took S1 to the car. I didn't attack or defend myself back, like I usually do.

I know it sounds very doormat, but that's how H acts when he hasn't slept and is stressed. My usual response is to feed off of his nerves and get as angry. I tried to remain calm and just manage S1.

At home, H was so exhausted that he fell asleep sitting on the couch. I took S1 to take a bath and would usually bug H to come help me hold S1 down to brush his teeth (he fusses and kicks my pregnant belly) but I just did it myself.

When I came downstairs, he woke up disoriented and asked where the little guy was and whether I needed help brushing his teeth. I said he was in bed already.

(Note: one of H's major complaints is that he does too much of my job as a mom besides his job at work. He is resentful that when he comes home from work, he still needs to help with the house and the baby)

I started to walk away to the bedroom (H is sleeping on the couch) and he said, "aren't you going to watch some tv?" And kept making comments about the show, to get my interest. I lingered for a bit and just said, "I will let you sleep now. Night night" and came upstairs.

Btw, I noticed that during dinner today he would stare at me every once in a while.

Quick update: (day 2)

I was getting ready to take S1 to the beach when H says, "are you going to get mad if I go do my own thing?", meaning, going to chat with OW online at a coffee shop. Usually I would throw a fit.

I said, no, because I made some decisions of my own too.

He lingered, staring at me, "what decisions?"

Me, "to move on too"

I said this with a straight face, without crying, which is completely new for him. He didn't move.

I left the room to continue packing for S1. He followed me and said, "so that means we won't do any more counseling?"

And I said, "if you want to, we will. It's up to you"

Then he kept lingering and taking a while to leave, staring at me and the baby.

I thought you did pretty good.
Being indifferent to whatever he wants to do.