Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers One giant leap forward! - Part 7

I told my brother about what the L said. He has been the most understanding person I have spoke to about any of this. His reply was, "well it has to be divorce then".
I had a weird feeling when he said that. Offended a little bit.

I feel like I have held on for over a year to keep the M going and now it's a financial need that is moving this.

Based on what you posted on the previous page, it really does sound like you're between a rock and a hard place. Basically the two viable options are status quo or D. Status quo leaves you in financial limbo for an undetermined amount of time. D frees you up to refinance the house and gives you some financial relief. It's a tough decision. If it were me, I would go with status quo, because I think your W is going to pursue the D anyway for the sake of the $$. Personally I just refuse to do my W the favor of taking care of the D for her. I want her, our kids and all our friends and family to know that SHE left and SHE filed for D, not me. But you may feel differently, and that's fine if you do!

He wasn't trying to offend you, just support you. One day you are ready to end it, and then you come back with some answer about "financial need" pushing it. This sounds like the old T when you talking.

Actually, the fact you were a little offended at your brother's statement (which wasn't an offensive remark at all) is b/c you still have that feeling of a H protecting his W if anyone says something negative. It's normal. However, if a D is coming, you need to get over that feeling.....especially with your family.

I hope financial needs is not the reason for you filing for D. B/c I am concerned you would always hold some bitterness and blame this financial stitch. 'If only it had not been for my financial woes, we may not be D now'......that kind of thing. That would not be good for you, T. If you file, it needs to be b/c you decided to move forward with a new life.....NOT b/c you feel trapped or pushed by your finances.

Don't allow this new problem to cloud your mind of how things were before you got that mail about the house. As long as you have options, then you continue to be in control of your life by choosing the best of those options. Get advice, try to stay focused on what's most important...and then you make your decisions.

((T)) I understand how you want to keep the house that was the original home place for your boys. But as young as they are, it would not be as important to them as it may be more an emotional attachment to you. And, speaking as one who has remortgage our home....several times, it becomes such a big financial burden when you are in retirement years and still have the large debt. You are still young and could get another house with a better financial plan. It would be a new beginning and may feel quite freeing for you. (Just a suggestion). I hate to see you buried under all that heavy mortgage, b/c even though it may relieve some financial weight presently, it won't help down the road.

I know he had no intensions of offending me, he even backtracked a little after he said it, a sign of support.
You're right, saying financial need is pushing it, it's hiding behind it.



I agree I will have to get past it, at the same time I can state my boundaries with my family regarding it being discussed in my presence.



I am unsure on this one. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I was thinking a lot about D before this lot cropped up. My thoughts were to have a long think about it and if I was sure, to start proceedings in the New year.
When W mentioned D I felt a strong wave of emotion come over me. It lasted about an hour or two.



When you say this do you feel there is a chance for my W and I? Deep down I would always like to think there is a glimmer. Saying that though I felt even when we started (in theory) piecing and MC in August that I would work on myself still but W had a much longer road ahead of her even then and now we are nowhere near then. Much, much further away imo.
I have clearer picture now of how it actually was before BD. She wasn't an easy woman to live with at the best of times.

Other than on here the advice is D. The L was quick shocked after what i had told him about certain things when i said I'm not going jump into D that easily. To him it was a no brainer.

Today I have arranged a mortgage holiday which should keep me a float for a few more months.



I appreciate your concern Sandi

The debt amount (mortgage) would be the same but spread over a longer time frame. The amount I would remortgage for is actually 10% less than I originally borrowed.
It's not possible to have a mortgage that goes past 65 years old in the UK.
Keeping the house isn't just for the kids, it's for me too. I bought the house before I met W. The plan was to buy a decent house rather than start low and build up to a house like this. If I sold it now at a low price (not selling at the current price t is for sale for) there would practically nothing left. Not enough (deposit) to buy another house. I would have to rent.
If I sold it, I would see myself buying a similar house like it in the future with the same mortgage but later on in life meaning more expense.
I am young enough to start again but if I can afford not to that would make it easier in the future.
I really don't fancy getting another that isn't as nice and finding time to work on it to make it mine. I don't feel like I have the time for minor alterations to this one.
My job although isn't impervious to financial sways it is more secure than most.
I like to see myself rising up the property ladder as times goes on, stepping back from that unless I have to will just set me back, further than I was 7 years ago.



There is no perfect choice for me to choose, I just have to be able to live with the one I do.

In regards to W and D. For the last few days I have been thinking of D as a piece of paper, the old R is dead, the old M is dead. The doesn't mean I have made a decision, it's just what keeps popping into my head.

In regards to the house. Right now I feel I would be resentful if I sold the house and started again. In a way I have lost W, I have lost the life I used to have originally with the kids. Even though it's just a building, losing the house too would be just more loss that I don't want.

I guess I'm not that bothered about what others think other than the kids. I don't like the thought that later on in life they might find out I was the one that D. I have never thought about it before until now.

My view completely. This is how I am in my sitch.

I find it extremely hard to believe your life with her would ever be "normal". I feel she will continue along this path until she is faced with a life changing event. Unfortunately many people do not change (the type of behaviors your W exhibits) until something quite bad happens in their life.

Even if she were to attempt at reconciling, I honestly do not believe she has what it takes to stay in a committed MR. And whatever time she gave toward a R would be, at best, unpleasant for everyone.

That's just my opinion. I think you deserve so much more ........and better.

1

Thanks Sandi,

When you say something life changing/quite bad is that something as bad as a death?

Thanks for the input GM,

That makes sense.

The D is a result of what has happened before it.
She left, she started R outside of M and she decided this path even with the commitment I was willing to put forth.

A bit like a lot of paperwork in life, all it does is legally define it.

Well it matters too your role in your M prior to S.
Just making sure you don't lay it entirely on your W.