1. Should I ask to meet in person? I kinda want to see her eyes if she is going to permanently end our marriage, and I want to have the dignity of being told instead of over text.
She's made her intentions clear. No, don't ask to meet her, what would be the point? You've got to quit the pursuit behavior, it's not going to stop the D.
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2. If we meet, should I ask her why she changed from one week saying she loved me and wanted to be with me, and some very romantic/flirty gestures, and hugs ....to being "done"? Or just say nothing? I honestly just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.
Say nothing. She's a WAS, her mind is a stormy sea of turmoil and confusion. She can't explain her actions to you, she doesn't understand them herself.
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I went dark from Saturday night through yesterday afternoon, exchanged a few texts about divorce paperwork and her intentions, and am dark again.
Brother, you do not understand going dark AT ALL. If you are going to go dark then you've got to go all in on it. NO INITIATING TEXTING OR CALLS, EVER!!!! You don't "go dark" a few days and then text and then "go dark" again, that is NOT going dark!! That is pursuit, the opposite of going dark!
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My last text was something like, "I don't understand the changes in you since last Friday; none of this makes any sense.
= pursuit. Stop that.
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I won't demand you meet with me in person, but would prefer it, as I really think this is a decision worth discussing. I know you asked for time and space, so I will continue to give you that, but you're welcome to call."
= controlling and manipulating. Stop that too!
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And now back to dark. But even 5 days of dark isn't NEARLY enough time for stuff to sink in.
See above, you're not dark and never have been. But you NEED to be. So start.
AS - I agree. W actually texted me, I didn't initiate the contact. I actually did need to know what was going on with the divorce paperwork and her intentions because otherwise I would have had to file a counter suit. Since it's switched to a dissolution "officially", I don't really have to do anything except wait to review paperwork.
Quite honestly, with that taken care of, I can think of zero reason to contact W, so the "going dark" can begin in earnest. The next time I would be required to see her would be our hearing on 10/7. D10 has her own cell phone, so if I want to talk to the kids, I can call her.
Thanks for your firm responses. I really am getting there. It's one thing to know something in your head, it's another for your heart to catch up to it. Normally, that little text exchange would've messed me up for days, but I was pretty much over it in 4 hours. Also, we only texted back and forth a few times, and I stopped it and left it when normally it would've been a two hour conversation.
So, I can see the detaching happening, and the ability to not jump on the roller coaster quite so much - granted, I may only be 10% there, but tomorrow, I'm shooting for 15%!
I actually did need to know what was going on with the divorce paperwork and her intentions because otherwise I would have had to file a counter suit. Since it's switched to a dissolution "officially", I don't really have to do anything except wait to review paperwork.
Why do you NEED to know? A D is a D and dissolution is dissolution. The "need" is stirring up discomfort inside you and it might be a good lesson for you to sit on that discomfort sofa and talk to yourself through it. Perhaps W may very well change her mind once again and initiate D process. Who knows? Detach. When you do cross the bridge, then you'll tackle it with aplomb.
I do want to comment on the "going dark" discussion here as some DBers here seem not to get it right. Going dark means dropping the rope, getting busy with your life, focusing on GAL AND putting your spouse up on the top shelf in the corner of the garage and shut the garage door. That's how you become detached. In my case, I go dark on Ms. Wonka and I notice that she usually texts me after a month has passed. Meanwhile, I fill up my time with 20/20/20 intense workout sessions at the local gym, meet up with friends and going away for weekends.
When your W texts you or contacts you, you do what I call my 'Spock-talk'...state facts, keep it simple, and cut it short. You do need to think and talk like Spock when interacting with W on D/dissolution related stuff.
In my state, you have 28 days to file a response, or they will issue a default judgement against you. Because we were switching to dissolution, I wouldn't have to file a response. That's all.
You know what's funny: my initial response to her was "Cool, thanks". And then I went on. Dang it, that would've been PERFECT if I had stopped there; but I'll do it next time.
And I like the Spock analogy; I'm going to picture him the next time there is a communication.
My only tough spot now is my step-kids. I have raised them for over 3 years, they call me Dad (even when W tried to get them not to for awhile).
W has not really worked too hard to stop me from seeing them - I had a "date" with D10 last week; fun time with Chinese food and a (somewhat) scary movie; and it was awesome. She just hugged and wanted to sit right beside me the whole time. I miss them terribly, and feel bad for not being there for them.
However, there is an element here where W is now working - when she hasn't worked much in over 2 years, and even then very part-time. She will soon be having bills pour in, and she has put herself heavily in debt, and has no financial support from me. She also used to lay around and let me take the kids all the time by myself while we were still living together. For the last 3 months while living with our friends, the mom where she stayed said she slept most of the time or watched TV in her room and let the mom watch the kids. So, my going dark is going to force W to actually have full responsibility for the kids with very little option for a break, ever.
W was supposed to take them to the fair yesterday, and XW was there, and said only D10 came, and she came with a friend; W was too "tired" to bring D5 so she stayed home and colored her hair. Sigh. I know they're gonna get no time.
I don't want to use not seeing the kids as a pawn to put pressure on her, and it's not fair that they suffer because of W; but I don't know. Would it be breaking the "dark" to call D10 directly and have her ask W if they can come over? I wouldn't even have to speak to W or see her. However, if not, I can guarantee that they will be plopped in front of a TV most of the time.
Even if W said no (which is likely), the kids would know I had reached out and cared...
Boom. Down 21 pounds. Have before picture and now - unbelievable what a difference that much makes. My favorite shorts are about to fall off, and I can fit into a couple pairs of old jeans now.
I actually put on my favorite pair of jeans, and could button them; before they were 2" away from buttoning. It struck me W told me they were her favorite pair, and drove her crazy... Weird how stuff pops in your head.
So I went out with my best friend and had wings to celebrate! I had several awesome friends pray over me tonight - awesome words, I'm so blessed!
James 5:11 (MSG) What a gift life is to those who stay the course! You've heard, of course, of Job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That's because God cares, cares right down to the last detail.
