Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers One giant leap forward! - Part 6

Yep a very similar conversation on the 5th July. It wouldn't surprise if the pattern repeats itself. Her talk of Christmas makes me think of her, OM and the kids on xmas vacation and that is hard but I'm starting to accept it as part of my life (or not as the case may be).



S4 starts school next September. I have no idea what S4 will be signed up for as he is autistic. At some point I may end up moving much nearer to W's town but now isn't the time, I have way too much going on, the house isn't even close to selling and when I remortgage it won't be worth selling.



I don't know if she is really wanting to plan the next few months or she is simply pushing me. She spends a fair bit of time announcing to me that she needs to plan it all when it feels more like a reason to start something.



I agree about when to step away. I have mentioned in the past that when we have something to discuss if it can wait until a better time and place we should do that. She said she has to deal with it in the moment.
All I can do is pull back and not join in.



I have only contacted her about Skyping the kids (which we planned last night but never happened) and similar things.



It was about me beating around the bush and not giving an answer even though I could, so I could back out at a later date.
I have been quite careful to not repeat this pattern. Me saying no to having the kids on the weekend she wanted off was me not beating around the bush.
Me saying "I don't know" was the case and was a bit short on info but I still didn't know.




Thanks F, it hurts when W says these things. I have had quite a few people, even both IC and MC say that what I have done by having the kids every weekend most fathers wouldn't do. I try not to let it effect me.

Thanks GM,

My only financial responsibility is towards the kids, either an agreed amount or through the CSA. W thinks she isn't getting enough off me. If she went with the CSA she would get slightly less
She is entitled to 1/2 the equity in the house. The L I have seen thinks I should be able to sell house, pay off all debts and then split whats left. Right now that would come to less than zero.

She said only weeks ago that she loves being a full time M and that the kids should be able to have a full time M. I doubt think she knows what she wants realistically or it just changes with her mood.
I can't see her getting a job, right now she does OK. Most weekends off, Tuesday and Wednesday morning both kids are in nursery together. Monday one is and Thursday the other is. It's not the paradise she dreamed of but it's better than most single mothers have.

I was working it out today how much % wise she has the kids. She has them 60% of the time, I have them 30% and nursery has them 10%. Plus I work a 46+ hours a week job and I do all the driving. She needs to get real.

You're back to focusing on W.

You could have stopped that text conversation after her first sentence by saying some thing like, Let me think about that, I'll get back to you when I have an answer.

I think you both like the drama.

I don't like the drama however I do want to stand up for myself if I feel the need.

I could have said that. I believe she would have baulked at the none answer and just planned her life anyway.

And the mindreading is how you end up in those situations, always trying to outsmart each other. did the conversation get any further in a real way by you staying in it?

Let it go, T.

What does standing up for yourself mean to you?

I can't see the middle ground.
She wants something and it's not job to do that for her anymore. She baulks and attacks me.

It went down hill by staying in the conversation. I find it hard to let it go when I'm called out on something completely untrue. Looking back whatever she thinks or does not think but attacks me with anyway, I'm not going change that by talking whether I'm right or not. Even when I correct her with substantial proof she moves onto the next thing anyway.

If she sends me anything and my first thought is "wtf is she smoking" it's most likely time to end the convo.

Here's the thing, she thinks she's just as right as you think you are. You can't change her mind, just as she can't change yours, so don't even go there.

Yup, I know that feeling. Since BD I've learned to do a 180 on that. When it comes down to it, it's an ego thing. We want to be RIGHT. There's a saying I learned here- "do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?" I like to apply it to all my relationships- "do you want to be right or do you want to have great relationships?" So whether it's my kids, coworkers, clients, my W, or whoever; when someone is spewing and I feel my blood pressure rising and that urge to "correct" them starts kicking in I just remember that phrase. It's amazing how that one little tool helps me to calm down and let it go, and yes it's true that when you can let go of that your relationships with everyone run a whole lot smoother!

Nothing from W after I ignored her last text last night.

Tonight at 10pm a text pic of S4 (a collection of pics), 2 of the pics of him with his birthday cake (the one W couldn't be bothered to do when I was there) and it says "Growing up Fast"

Is she sharing a picture of our beautiful boy with me or is she saying "look your missing out".
I have no idea.

I don't want to respond and really I don't have to because it's not a question.
I wish she would leave me alone to get on with it.