Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers One giant leap forward! - Part 6

Therapy is free here if referred by a doctor

I will do thanks F.

T, just decide what you want to do and what's best for the kids, not just what's best for you or W. There is no win in this but hopefully you can arrive at a happy medium.

If you know what you want on the travel then tell her and stick to it. Don't waffle on your non-negotiables, just keep repeating what your terms. I would leave some room for negotiation.



A 4 yr old and a 1 year old are constant motion. I seem to be in the minority here but when my boys were those ages there were days when I couldn't wait for H to walk in the door and I would go hide in the bathroom for an hour or so. I loved my kids dearly and spent lots of time with them but my idea of a vacation was just to be in a quiet room for as long as I wanted, no noise, no activity, no demands.

Why did she move so far away from you?

T, she is the woman you chose to have children with, you will be connected to her in some way until the day you die. If she's a terrible mother, then go for custody of your children.

If not try to maturely work through this so you can both get needs met and make life better for your children.

"If I don't reply what are my reason/s? If I don't respond I'm ignoring her reply to the conversation I initiated."

If she is throwing statements out of an angry fit, you don't acknowledge it with a response. Why? B/c that is her bad behavior acting up and lashing out at you. How do you deal with a kid throwing a tantrum? You don't reward them by giving them their way. Your mistake in the past was giving over to her demands, therefore, she continues to throw trantrums. You cannot rationalize or use logic with her. When she is ready to calm down and stop throwing her anger at you, she will think of trying something else to get her way. You must stick with what you told her. No arguing, no trying to get her to see your side.

I suspect when she sees that being a bully, guilting you, or gaining sympathy doesn't work, then she'll try to bribe you by making you think she will "try to work" on things but she needs your help.....yada, yada, yada. Same old stuff.

You are already feeling sorry for her taking care of two children. I had a 1 yr old and 4 yr old, and one had hyperactivity. Plus,I worked a full time job. I did not get breaks! When my H came home, he did not help me. My parents and in-laws and friends did not babysit to give me a break. I don't want to sound like I have no compassion regarding your S4, but she uses him for her leverage. She tells you how they miss you and want to be with you more. How does a one year old communicate that to her? Can S4 tell her? And even if he could, she still uses it like a hall pass. Instead of taking responsibility for her decision to move away, she expects you to do more in order for her burdens to be lighter.

You have allowed her to use that same old song about how she has them through the week.....and you don't. In past times, it worked to get you to relieve her. She left the M home with two parents, and now she wants to eat cake. So, when she returns with this SOS (same old stuff), your immediate goal is to show her it has no power over you now. If she wants a response, you tell her you have already told her your conditions. Do not back down. Don't plead with her. Don't start changing your initial text.

"I still need her co-operation, she can say no as long as she wants. My only leverage is not taking the kids and what is set up now is what I want and what she wants (right now)."

What do you mean? She can't stop you from seeing your kids! Besides, do you not get that she will not go two weeks without telling you to get them? You still talk as if she has all this POWER over you. Yet, you are supporting the boys, and mostly HER. You are the one driving back and forth. IMO, you hold the ace in the cards.

It is easier when both parents cooperate, but if the court gets involved, you discover some things are accomplished without complete cooperation from both sides. She may not like it, but she will have to abide by whatever the court says. You have not wanted to get the court involved b/c you had hopes of R the M. But now you feel that option is probably closed. So, you may need to get a judge to set the guidelines. However, if you are not ready right now, then you need to stick by the decision you laid out to her.

You really need to know without a doubt that she is not affecting your decision to get,the boys every weekend except one. I just believe she will find some reason for you to pick them up that fourth weekend. She won't say it now, but when that fourth week hits her, just look out. She will be,ready for her famous breaks.

Realize that none of this is set in stone. That is why I continue to remind you how she will not keep the kids away from you. She will make threats, just like she has before. That is manipulation! Don't succumb to those tactics.

If you have to write it in large print and stick it up to see, don't forget your "whys".
1. To show you are a new man.
2. To show you are taking control over your life.
3. To show you are decisive.
4. For your self-respect and esteem.
5. To continue developing inner strength.

We could list a page of why you should not reply to her tactics. If she asks a question that is not more SOS, answer with a short sentence. If she calls herself referring to the subject of sharing the driving, make sure to keep that focus on nothing else but her driving half the visits.

When women are angry, they start bringing up EVERYTHING to throw in the face of the H. They can get way off the original topic, b/c by now they are just mad about everything.....period. Have you seen movies where the angry woman is grabbing pots & pans, plants, mirrors, and anything near by to throw at the H? Well, in a sense, this is what your W does. She gets mad and starts grabbing at everything to throw at you.

You want what's best for your sons. Succumbing to your W's selfishness is not what they need from you. Sometimes, the lines get blurred with all the emotions involved. We get drained and just want it to end. That is when we are vulnerable and begin to doubt ourselves. Considering how long you were passive and let your W take over, it is easy to see what a challenge it is to not slide back into that habit again.

You are going to make it through and come out liking the man you became.

What is best for the kids?
They need to see me enough. How much is enough?



This is the part I totally don't get.
It's like me telling my neighbour to cut my grass on a Saturday morning. That's what I want and that is what I want to stick to. I keep repeating to him that I want it cut.
He doesn't cut the grass because he doesn't want to.
My W doesn't want to do it so how do I make it happen in anyway?



I believe many of her days are like that.
That still doesn't make it my problem though does it?

She moved to where her parents live.



I don't think she is a terrible mother. I wouldn't get custody even if I did.

She hasn't thrown a fit yet. She has took the topic off course and pleaded the SOS again but no anger yet.



I agree. I just mentioned that about S4 being difficult because I was experiencing it first hand.
I believe S4 might say my name and S1 (2 next month) would probably repeat him.
She does expect me to lighten her burden. I have done before so she will expect it again.



I understand I have to stand my ground. If she gets SOS and I falter she gains power.



No but if I want her to do some driving I need her co-operation. I don't believe I'm as powerless as I thought I was in this whole thing. If she point blank says no to it again what do you think my next move is?



How can I stick to the decision I laid out if she doesn't agree?
She can plead all she wants on the 4th week, she's got no chance.



On thing that has sunk in very well is she isn't going to stop me from seeing the kids.



If I had told her I don't want to hear her SOS i could understand not replying. She is doing her usual thing and I'm not responding, unless she knows why I'm just ignorant.



I am confident that I will come through liking the man I will become. Just a few bumps on the way there.

Apologies if i'm not getting it. It's late here now and just got back from my reunion.

Had my school reunion tonight. I wasn't looking forward to it the people who were going weren't from the crowd I hung out with at all.

It was a strange feeling going there because I was expecting to feel awkward and uncomfortable.
I was probably the most chilled out there. I looked good, many commenting how young and in shape I was. I was funny and interesting. The table I was on started off just me and one other guy then a later it was the table to be at.

A very good night indeed!

Right, bedtime.

Only you and your W can work that one out.



You have no legal binding ties to your neighbor and his grass. You do have legally binding ties to your kids and rights as far as how much you see them.

It's back to boundaries, either you believe in them or you don't.


I didn't mean to imply that it was your problem, just having some empathy for both of you and others in that situation. Sounds like you want to teach her a lesson, that usually backfires. Let life teach her whatever lessons she needs to learn.

It can be a problem for your kids.

I don't think it's good when a parent moves with the kids to a place that makes it more difficult for the other parent to visit. But in your case, that horse is out of the barn, what can you do now to ensure that you see your kids regularly?
Glad you had a good time at the reunion.

T, hope you don't mind if I hijack for a post here.

Sandi, I'm so sorry you had that experience when your kids were young, I really am. That's not the way it's supposed to be, young families need support. If I had known you then I would have come to your house and took your kids to a park so you could have had that hour a day just to be.

I was in my 30s when I had my first child and was blown away by the enormity of it and also, as I've said before, the mind-numbing drudgery of some of it. At that point I made it my goal to help support others in this most important tole of parent.

IRL, my job is working with young families and helping them build support networks and find community resources. We know that things turn out so much better for all involved when families get off to a good start. I said on someone else's thread that part of the high rate of D is attributable to the lack of support for young families. Children bring lots of joy but they are a stressor.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Thank you Labug. It would have been nice, but i was taught that was what a mother was suppose to do, so I had to do the best i could. I was a mother at 19. I was a grandmother at 39. Both my children were on disability by the time they were 30. I have kept my grandchildren a lot b/c of the health of my children. I really do understand how overwhelming it can be.

Both my children have been divorced and I have seen the pain and issues it causes.

I hear you and I understand, I was taught many things that I've found aren't the truth, like it's weak to ask for help when you need it. I found in accepting my limits and my vulnerability there were many people who would be there for me.

There is strength and support and love if we just reach out.

You're in my thoughts.