Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The View from the Blanket VI

Hi Busting, Just looking in to send you my support.

Your holiday plans sound great!

And your description of the 'turbulence' your H brings is so apt.

Keep up the great work!

Sub, KG, Kate, Bright, Bug and NLW thank you for your thoughts and support :-)

Yes-on the whole I am feeling good and I am content with the amazing life I have been given. I wake up in the morning and I say to myself that I have a choice. I choose how my day will be. I do fall down on that at times, and then I have learned how to pull myself back into that mind set. This place...you all...its a credit to you. I used to always react to my emotions. I used to think I was justified to do so because that was the 'way i felt'.

Had an interesting conversation with H about the kids. D6 is shutting down with him. She wont talk with him 'unless he comes home'. H is passive. He hurts because of this but doesn't know what to do. He still blames me for him not being home. Responded with saying I understand he feels that way. My perception is that "I can't see how I am stopping him from engaging with his kids as I am no longer a part of his life or the decisions he makes. His R with the kids is his. My existence is not his obstacle to that R. " I actually did a fixer thing and suggested a way he could try and communicate with D6. He said he really liked the idea. Tried it, and D6 responded positively. So that was good to see. Long may it live and move forward.

I think that he is still using me as an excuse for his unhappiness and issues. I think that I now see how far I have come and how stuck he is and it makes me sad because of how it affects the kids. He can't recognise that his choices since BD have resulted in the current dynamic. Right now the kids still believe in him. One day they may not. For all that I am and all that I have become, I do my best to continue keeping opportunities open for him him to engage with the kids. I try not to put up any roadblocks. I know that I am not an obstacle. I know that I am not perfect. I know that he has chosen to employ his emotions, times and physical presence towards OW at the expense of his R with the kids (and me...but I am I am keeping myself out of it now). Its about choice. We own that choice. I know he does not see that.

Keep moving forward. I love my life. I love the joy and richness of it. I love the challenges and the daily pleasures and even the hardships. I am almost relearning as my children learn for the first time. How lucky is that?

You go, picnic sister!

"Keep moving forward. I love my life. I love the joy and richness of it. I love the challenges and the daily pleasures and even the hardships. I am almost relearning as my children learn for the first time. How lucky is that?"

So happy you feel this way, Busting! I'm here for you to cheer you up as you reconnect with the love and happiness that were always yours.

Love to you.

Wow! So impressed with where you've come to, bustin'! It is amazing how far you've come! Love that you love your life!!

You're sounding so much stronger Busting

Go Get Em Tiger!

Love your latest post Busting! My dear picnic sister, all the hard work you have done is so apparent. So so happy to hear that you are in a good place.

Your h feels a little safer accepting some advice about D6, D wins, he wins, you win. That is the way to live your life.

Amazing

Thank you my dear friends. Jerseybeachmama thanks for coming by. :-)

I feel more and more comfortable with where I am.

H and I had another chat about the kids yesterday and it was not as smooth. He started feeling uncomfortable and began shutting down. I think (mind reading) that he was feeling too much guilt. I think I also got too heated up. I really try to keep the kids and the sitch separate issues..its hard. I do for the most part however yesterday the lines where getting blurred. I stopped listening when he said he didnt want to talk anymore (was getting too close to the sitch), and before I could STFU, he hung up. This was frustrating. I texted him and said do not hang up on me again.

Anyway...left it...

Today we spoke, he apologised for hanging up, I thanked him. I apologised for pushing the conversation. He said thank you. Told him what I had been TRYING to say yesterday which was basically that I understand his intentions to better the R with the kids and I support that and I just wanted to empahsise that when it comes to the kids, they need consistency. He needs to be committed to this if he really wants to change the dynamics of the R. Their needs to come first. He said he understood. It was a calm conversation. I said thank you for calling ' I am going to STFU now' and said bye.

I think he has the intentions and desire, but he cant get there yet. To get there I think means he needs to actually look inwards and reflect on the consequences of his actions and figure out WHY he has made the decisions he has made. If he did that, I would be there. But he wont so I am not there.

He blames me outwardly. I am his block to his happiness. I think (mind reading) he thinks that where we are today is all my fault because i did not rush out and agree to his ending of the M and agree that there was not way forward together and as a family. He wanted me to just agree and have some happy divorced family scenario (mind reading).

Anyway. In the midst of this I had written out several texts to him (not sending them) of things I probably would have said to him in the past. I had no intention of sending them. I would have in the past. They were sarcastic and provoking. I was glad that I could see that I dont want to be that person anymore. Nor did it feel like the authentic me anymore.

I dont see how H can come back. Mostly because he doesnt want to. He just doesnt see this family as an option for him. He is in a much different place now. A single man's place. He does not care for me anymore. Our friendship, marriage and love is a thing of his past that he has put to rest. He seems content to be a cameo father. He seems content to simply not have me in his life. I think he thought he could seperate me and the kids. The kids were so young when he left. I think it is impossible for that to happen when they are so young.

I am sad about this.

But I am happy with my life. I can accept and I can move forward.

Whats been hitting me more and more is that I am lonely. Not bored. But lonely. I miss sharing my life with someone that cares about how my day was. I miss having someone to share with the joys (and challenges) of being a parent. No one will ever care about my kids as much as their father should have.

So we keep pole dancing (BRIGHT!) and keep moving forward.

I am sore from playing tennis and golf and swimming. Getting a nice tan while doing so. Have a friend coming over tomorrow. The kids are watching a movie before bed. And I am at peace.

So Busting, how was your day?