Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Making the Best Out of This II-By Tori

Hi Tori, good to see you pop in to say hello Glad to hear you're doing well, keep up the PMA

I'm so glad, Tori, that you're feeling joyful. You deserve it. I'm really pleased too that you're helping people. I know I keep saying it but you are so inspiring.

Keep updating please!

Hello, my friends, and thank you for your messages, GTO, AS and Wendylon. I have a post today about something that might impact (or have already impacted) some of you.

I received an email from Joe's mom saying Joe "is a in a new relationship and has a little baby on the way. In an effort to support him and his new life, it is important that I begin to phase out some of my close contact with you and get better acquainted with the OW. Facebook will be my first vehicle of change. This is difficult for me, but I hope you will understand why I must cut our ties on Facebook." Then she said we could email "occasionally."

My first thought was WTF. She was the one to say I would always be her daughter-in-law no matter what, and I was happy we had been able to keep our relationship going. I've been calling her, writing to her, and being super nice, open and honest. So I was deeply hurt. My guess is that Joe continues having R problems with the OW and he told her that many of their issues are about her being "terrified" of me. Regardless, I consider this to be a poor decision. Couldn't help passing the judgment.

After a while, I started asking myself different questions:

1. What can I learn from this? I can learn to deal with people acting in ways that don't make sense to me and with unexpected changes in people's behavior. I can learn to not let other's people's behaviors impact me negatively.

2. What is the reality of this situation? Is my MIL newly evil/mean? No. She's acting out of her mind programming that tells her this is what she has to do--whether that is kind/wise or not.

3. What are my next steps? Well, I don't think I want to email her "occasionally." I think she pretty much decided she wants me out of her life. Which prompted me to think:

--This will work out in my best interest in the future. I don't know when or how, but it will. I will look back at this and say, wow, I'm so glad she (and probably her side of the family--which might follow) cut ties with me.

Questions: I'm wondering whether I need to continue in touch with the rest of the family. I'm guessing they'll all do the same or will ignore me, which I think it's rude and immature, but that's what people do. Any thoughts?

I appreciate you guys reading. Writing about this helps me sort out my feelings.

Sorry this happened Tori.... made me deeply sad just reading it.
I was/kind of still am attending a "Recovery from Divorce/relationship fracture" class and on the first day she talked about how family and friends will end up "choosing sides" ...she said during her first divorce (she's had two), even other parents at PTA stopping speaking to her. So this is an unfortunate part of the process.

That's good you've taken the time to process it and see it as a positive for you and your growth in the future.

Hopefully the rest of his family will be more mature about it.

A thought that just came to me...is maybe she defriended you on facebook first b/c she doesn't want to hurt you with posts and pictures about the baby when he or she arrives?

Either way... it is unfortunate. Continue to stay strong!

Tori, I would be hurt too. But in my case, I’m not trying to maintain the relationship with H’s family, and we not even officially D’d yet. I still invite H’s brother who lives in the same neighborhood to some of my family functions. But, I don’t talk to his other brother and sister. I was surprised to receive a B-day card from his other brother and his wife. So, in turn I sent his wife a card for her B-day. H’s family is known for maintaining relationships and “friendships” with Ex’s and it actually doesn’t play well in my books. I would rather have no contact with them.

You MIL is taking care of her business right now. She probably wanted a grand kid all along and now it is a possibility for her. The only thing I don’t understand why OW is terrified of you? It seems that you are not intervening in his life and calling him or pursuing him in any way. My guess is that he mentions you often and this is not comfortable for OW. But I don’t see how your MIL’s reduced communication with you is going to help in this matter. She might need to convince Joe to undergo a brain surgery to replace that part of his brain that has you in it in “an effort to support him and his new life”.

I don’t think I would e-mail MIL after what she said to you. You are right, it will be for your best interest in the future.

Thank you, Mimi and BF, for your input and support. I had a hard time letting go of the negative emotions last night (wasn't a good night sleep at all) but I feel a little better now. I clearly remember the conversation I had with her when I expressed my concerns about my R with her after the D, and her words, "once a daughter-in-law, always a daughter-in-law. We will always stay in touch!" I now see how many people aren't true to their words. I always am, so it's difficult when people behave in ways different to my values.

Mimi, you might be right about my MIL thinking of the baby pictures, but in all these years, she NEVER posted on FB (not once.) The only posts on her timeline were of me and her High School friends wishing her a happy birthday (back in June.) BF, your reference to the brain surgery made me smile :-) She already has 4 grandchildren which take up most of her time, and she told me she thought Joe was joking when he told her about the OW's pregnancy. She said she didn't know what to say (sorry or congratulations.) So her behavior is puzzling.

But as we do with our S's and former S's, is best to not mind read and just move on.

Meanwhile, I deleted all her side of the family from my email list. I will contact the uncle and grandma in Jan when I return to CA to see if they want to meet me for dinner. If they say no, I won't contact them again. They also told me they would always be there for me, but now I don't know if I believe them.

Thank you again.

Hey Tori, I wanted to post last night, but was too tired

Sorry about the in laws, and having negative feelings is absolutely warranted. How one lets them dictate what we do is another. You have no worries in that department. You truly understand that the only one you control is you and even though it hurts, you can see this. That is pretty solid from where I stand.

I would also be hurt. SIL did a few things when H and I were first separated that led me to believe she really wasn't there for me lol!

Poor woman, Having to take sides. But I think a mom will always choose her kid (well, unless that kid is a real a$$, then I would choose different lol).

Joe may be misguided, lost and adolescent, but he is not evil.....

Hi Tori-

I am sorry about the latest developments with MIL. I read it last night but couldn't post.. It really upset me. The extent and continuation of hurt that lasts in these messes is incredible. Just another benefit of letting it all go. You have your core strength and I know you will face this with the strength and dignity that you have shown throughout this whole ugly mess.

Love you Tori.
Xxx

--This will work out in my best interest in the future. I don't know when or how, but it will. I will look back at this and say, wow, I'm so glad she (and probably her side of the family--which might follow) cut ties with me.

People are in out lives for a reason and they leave our lives for a reason, usually so something better can take their place.

Wish them vaya con dios and adios!

Then look forward to the better that's coming.

Ruby, Busting and Bug, thank you.

Ruby, I agree Joe isn't evil. I think he's having a hellish life, though, but he behaved in ways that resulted in where he is now...

Love you too, Busting. I put down all the lessons from this particular episode, which will be posted on my blog. I hope my learning from all this pain helps other people (I think I'm already helping many)

Bug, completely agree. Thank you. As time goes by, and I've said this before, I realize how unhappy I had been throughout my marriage. I was always hoping Joe would grow up, that he would finally decide to prioritize our M, that he would for once be thoughtful/responsible/caring. That never happened. My first experience with a long-term R ended up like this, but I've started what can be the best years of my life. Better late than never.

My next hurdle w Joe might be when the year ends and he wants to see all my finances. He'll be scrutinizing what I've done to see if he can reduce the $$ of support. Joe can be quite nasty when it comes down to money...One of the L's we worked with for the retirement stuff told me that he would be happy to work with me again but didn't want to see Joe ever again. He said after dealing w Joe, he understood why the M didn't work out. Hmm...