Yep...pretty much knew it was coming because it would be how she would see your offer.
This is my thought to a reply:
"W, I understand how you see my offer this way and please know that it is not meant to make you feel guilty or not move on with your life. I am offering insurance to you unconditionally and whole heartedly. Please understand that I do not try to alter your path at all. This is yours to walk, not mine. My offer stands, take care of yourself," Lefty.
That's it. Never bring it up again and after you figure your reply, it will be to her to contact you. And she may not. You will have to be prepared for that.
This offer, even though kind hearted, is viewed with suspicion by a WAW. They wait for the other shoe, they have come this far and are afraid of being sucked back in. You can understand this, right?
Hmm. I think I screwed up. I tried validating her feelings she expressed in her reply and I got this back.
Quote:
I'm not going to do this any longer Lefty unless you want to discuss our divorce please don't contact me. I feel it is manipulative and can't go on any longer.
Yep...pretty much knew it was coming because it would be how she would see your offer.
This is my thought to a reply:
"W, I understand how you see my offer this way and please know that it is not meant to make you feel guilty or not move on with your life. I am offering insurance to you unconditionally and whole heartedly. Please understand that I do not try to alter your path at all. This is yours to walk, not mine. My offer stands, take care of yourself," Lefty.
That's it. Never bring it up again and after you figure your reply, it will be to her to contact you. And she may not. You will have to be prepared for that.
This offer, even though kind hearted, is viewed with suspicion by a WAW. They wait for the other shoe, they have come this far and are afraid of being sucked back in. You can understand this, right?
Yes, I understand. I saw that immediately, but it is still difficult. Still, this is the stuff that MWD has written about and I am finally getting the opportunity to DB, so I am trying to keep a PMA.
My reply to her above message about not contacting her again was this:
I'm sorry. I'll respect your wishes. I'm not trying to be manipulative, I just wanted to say those things because I couldn't say them earlier. My offer of help stands, and if there's any other way I can help, let me know. No obligation, no pressure, no expectation of anything in return. My sincere prayers are with you.
Seems like it was pretty much in line with what you suggested, right? I did okay, right?
Well it's like I said before, where your W is right now is she doesn't love you or even like you. She might again some day, but right now this is your reality- she probably hates you (based on your last few posts I'm getting this impression). In her eyes you are the source of everything that has ever gone wrong in her life and getting rid of you is the path to nirvana. Anything you do/ say is going to be spun in a negative way. So you generously offer her help with no strings attached, and in her eyes you're being controlling and manipulative. You can't win this! There is only one thing you can do- go radio silent. You could offer her a bag of gold at this point and she'll find some way to make you look like a butthead for it. So don't give her ammo, go silent.
She has every right to hate me, and yeah, I think she probably does. The fact that she has pushed so hard towards this from the start with very little wavering, yeah. I don't think there's anyone else. I think I'm just that odious to her. She's leaving with nothing but her clothes, that's how much she wants this done. She would rather postpone medical procedures that could save her life than accept my help. Says a lot about me, doesn't it?
Do I love her enough to let her go? Define let go. If you mean enough to let her pursue her happiness without me, yes. If you mean enough to like it, no. If you mean enough to stop loving her, no.
I will maintain radio silence with her, continue to work on myself, try to muddle on, and pray.
While her leaving feels very personal, try not to take it so much that way. It was you and her in that situation, at that time and place. You are not that "thing" that happened, whatever it was.
Take responsibility for what you need to; that doesn't include wearing a hair shirt. Become aware of you and your actions and reactions.
I mean let go, just as she has asked.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Forgiving myself is going to be the hardest part of this.
Still, there's always hope, right? She could still eventually come out of the WAS fog in the future? I mean, surely marriages in worst places than mine have recovered.
