Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Questions without answers...I'm tired of asking.

Hi Dawn, I’ve been following your sitch for a while, but I don’t think I ever posted to you. I agree with nero, maybe you are in a holding pattern. Maybe you still have hope that he will crawl out of his tunnel any day now. I believe there is a reason for your feelings. Sometimes we don’t understand why we feel certain way, but it seems like on a subconscious level there is always something.

I consider myself stubborn. Everybody around me keeps telling me to stop hoping and start moving on with my life. I just know that I need to come to this conclusion myself, and it might take some time, while I have to feel everything to the fullest extent. This is just how I am.

I know it must be so difficult to deal with your H right now, and I wish you lots of patience. I’m sure the answers will come to you sooner or later. You are a strong person and one day you will get what you want and deserve, an amazing R.

hey dawn-

just checkin in- hope your day went okay. nothin new here- funeral in fla for aunt- sad stuff. oh well huh? life really is "short" in the end., hope you're doing okay

xxoo

Hi BrightFuture, thanks for validating my feelings. It's nice to hear sometimes that I am ok with where I am at. Your right, I don't understand why I am so eager to "be done" but I feel there is something to it.

Why am I not as eager to wait, tho that is what I'm doing, I'm waiting, Standing, whatever you want to call it, I'm not acting Done, but inside I am screaming!

I don't think it's because I am not ready for the consequences, I believe it's because H is all I know, and I'm still getting used to the idea that my plan, M as I knew it didn't work out.

I fear him crawling out, what he calls, flipping back completely! There it is! I am afraid for his return to rational thinking, having a heart for his family, and maybe even L for me. Why??

Because, I am not sure it well be enough for me anymore!

All the quirks, and neglect will not be enough anymore. I say neglect because he is a giant loner, it will not be fine in the second half of my life for him to do his loner activities.

My tolerance for his person has changed, he made me evaluate my life, and my life with him, he has made me see that I want more.

People are telling me he may come out and be a new version of himself, great, but doesn't that version have to grow with me in time so together we meld into a couple.

I fear the lack of commonality... agendas, goals, needs, wants that seem to be so different at this time. Not like when we met, we were on the same path.

~~~~~~~~~~
I have been pushing the line lately, I don't fear saying anything to him anymore, and there doesn't seem to be any of the consequences I once feared.

I have mentioned to him that I would be ok living separate lives, that I am done. He thinks I love him, I don't think I do, that I don't say. I do say I am ok with moving ahead without him. He still says that was not his intention.

Tho he does say he understands completely, he said last night he understands that would mean the whole family and it does pain him.

I said I can't stay like this, I am going to do what's best for me and the kids, and I will not put a road block up against him. The choice is his to make, even if we end us, as a couple, we can remain family.

He really wants me to stay put, do nothing, stay his W, live happily here and let him continue to work his way thru this MLC.

For now he gets his wish, only because I am not facing changes for me to jump on, but I did tell him of my S26 move to AZ in June, my parents moving there next month, and my D19 starting ASU in 2 yrs, he gets it's!

We are moving forward, he claims to moving laterally, I said that only brings us further apart!

hey dawn-

i agree totally with the potential big problem with knowing now what they may "be really like" and finding it not something you want in your life after mlc.

me too- but i keep shoving it to the back of my mind and deciding i'll deal with it if the day ever comes. if i don't blow up and disappear before then...

i think you're correct. knowing now allllllll about these guys- more than we ever wanted to know- more than should be there for us to know- it's huge icky issue.

like you- my image of what my m should have been- should have lasted til day i died - and my plan for it to be so - is a huge stumbling block in this all.

i yak away allover town abvout how i feel, etc. trying to find a lable- lately i'm in your boat. no lable- no name- feelings i can't define and usually don't approve of (for me- for my life) yet, here i am.

i'm tryin not to worry about it. perhaps it all really will unfold as it should. perhaps we just are supposed to exist like a plant or an animal- with no plans and no past and no future- idk

i think since there is nothing impelling us to act quickly- no deadline we're missing or nothing pressing for immediacy- it's okay.

(of course, since i'm there also- i would say that, wouldn't I???)

glad you're doing okay -

and being all free & speakin your mind.

i'm my usual edgy self- h comes up here wed- drive up to nj fri to meet aunt's body & maybe drive around a couple days.

i'll be very darn glad to be out of town- i'm soooooooo DONE with this family crappola.

oh well- i don't even have much to say- we're plateau-ing out here- who knows??? maybe it's a good thing.

have a good evening

xxo

You know, Dawn, I wrote on Nero's thread that sometimes not making a decision is making a decision, ya know?

This is all a process. Every part of it. And it is ok to be exactly where you are.

There is no need, unless it is affecting your heart, your soul too deeply, to do anything sometimes. It is best to just sit with what you are discovering about you. Seeing how it feels, how it fits.

So, keep looking within. Keep moving forward on your journey.

You will know when you are ready for the next part, either way it goes.

And not matter what you decide or do, we are behind you completely.

Hi UR,
I am not being affected, it is easier to do as I am, to stay detached. So I will sit back, agin, still, and move forward.

Thanks for you wise words.

Nero,

Thanks, I know your h comes today, I wish you peace with that. Please answer another email, it's important.

I've been reading along. I want one day to be able to wake up with clarity and say I know the answer instead of all this confusion!
Thank you guys for exploring. While I inadequate to comment. It gives pause to think about myself and my sit

Hi Willbell,

nobody is ever inadequate to comment, everyone has something to offer, you have something to offer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me: H, your first day back at work is Sat. I know you say you have not had contact with EA, but I also know you have been home without the pressure and temptation to chuck it all.

H: Do you want me to promise I won't contact her, her friends?

Me: This is your decision to make, this has to come from you, you make the choices for your life.

H: I will not call...I will stay away. I don't want to be with her, I never did. I want to be with you. I choose you. Pause...I know you may not believe me, but...

Me: Ok, we will move forward. What that looks like, we will find out. Thank you for helping around the house, I'm going to take a nap.

H: I will join you, I need a shower.

His cell rings, 10 min later, first time in 2 weeks....HEY H, HOW YA BEEN! (Skank)!

H: Oh, Um, I'm recovering....

Me: "Thinking...wow he's going to go into explanation as if friends" H! This is were you say, "do not call me anymore".

H: ''Um, bad timing, I have to go''!!! (that was the worst thing he could say)

M: So, when faced with it you can't say it, you can't do it.

H: She's a friend. Just a friend, isn't that ok...I guess not because I will loose you, and I have been thinking about all that I will loose along with you.

M: You can go tell her all about your illness, just make sure to take your stuff with, I am protecting myself, and if the only way to get her out of my life is to push you aside, so be it!

I didn't mean to post that yet!

Concluding...

We have not related to each other like we were the that last 2 weeks, for about 2 days now.

He has hidden his phone...that was in the open for weeks lately, and is doing his loner activities without talking to anyone.

You know, I say f*** this, and it feels good to say that. This is to stupid for me to continue with in my life. I am waisting my time with him...for a future unknown!

That's angry me...the other side of me is kind of hurt, tho I will not feel it, and disappointed. I only helps to fortify my mistrust in him and his weakness for taking the easy way out.

A coach we met with 3 days ago told him: You have to have aim in life. what is next. explore! You have one life, your upset because you don't think you have a say on how it goes. Your at a transition point and it's not clear.

Regardless, the past can't be ahead of you in the future, it gets in the way.
You don't have to figure it all out, just go into a direction.


I think this is perfect for me as well!

Yikes, talk about talking outta two sides of your mouth! Hmmmm, it's over, but we're friends, but I want to reconcile, but I'll still take her calls. Little confusing eh?

Heather