Nice to hear you guys are trying to reconcile. You have been going through this for a while. Do you think it would be easier if you were not going back & forth and just moved on?
Hey Maritimer thanks for the comment.
I don't know that we're trying to reconcile, I'd rather say testing the waters. We're letting our lives unfold.
There's been no going back and forth so I'm not sure I understand the question. I had gotten to a place where I enjoyed my life, having fun, doing my thing. He had never moved an inch this way until just a month or so ago.
I had a lot of things to learn, and I'm still learning.
I assumed with your timeline with multiple BD and that he canceled a date that you both were trying to work it out.
So glad to hear you found a place where you enjoy life, have fun doing your own thing. Someday I hope to get there!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Bug, It's so important that you keep digging deeper at this time. This is new territory for the both of you. A territory that will no doubt push everything about you.
The one thing I learned in the last 4 months is that I should have just kept on my own path and let my x figure out hers. Getting too close too soon freaked us both out. Time will tell if we get another chance. Live and learn.
Keep on keeping on. It has lead you this far.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Bug, I didn't realize your sitch had changed in such a way (because I do see what's happening as a significant shift in the positive direction.)
Every time you comment on someone's thread, I can see how wise you've become and how much you've learned. Now it's your turn to apply this wisdom to your relationship w your H.
Sorry about the dog, BTW. Sending you my best (((((((((((())))))))
Thanks everyone, I'm still on the Separation Highway, looking for the exit. It's still a long way to Reconciliation from here.
I got wrapped around the axle a bit last night (there's a theme developing here). H and I were supposed to have a date. When I got home from a friend's house about 4 our 15 year old dog wa down (he has several health issues and has been failing) and couldn't get up. He's a big dog, probably 90 lbs now since he's been sick. S20 said he thought it was time to let Dog go and didn't want him to suffer. We've been talking about this for several months and H had said he would take care of things when the time came. So I texted him to let him know what was going on and said see you soon. I knew there was no way the vet would be out last night.
He said he would take care of things. I texted again later to ask something about our date. And he responded "I thought it was off, I'm not in the mood now and wouldn't be fun." I was surprised and just said "Oh, OK." The little victim girl showed up and I had a tsunami of emotion. I recovered enough to text him that I was sorry he was feeling down.
Then that voice in my head started with all the negatives and doubt. My mind wanted me to believe that H not wanting to go on the date was about not wanting to be with me rather than he needed to time to deal with his feelings. I sat down, got quiet and just kept asking myself what are you feeling, what are you really feeling, what do you know is true?
I was sad about the dog and that my sons are going to lose their "brother." I was hurt/disappointed that H and I couldn't have our date. I was surprised that after all this time of H being away, he still has lots of love for the dog. So I sat with all that for quite a while. What did I know was true? The dog is very sick. He has been a family member for 15 years and is loved by all of us. he will be missed. My sons are sad, my H is sad. All the other stuff my mind was telling me was just that, stuff my mind was telling me and just because my mind says it doesn't make it true. I was hurting myself.
So I took a long walk, did my yoga and meditation, read some and went to bed. I do have better tools now.
I think I pulled it out of the ditch.
Focus on the now.
Bug, sounds to me like you handled yourself with class and dignity. Give yourself a break, it's okay. Your hurting just like anyone one would with the thought of loosing your pet and not being able to have your date. Yet you took the time to calm down, reflect and work out your emotions. In other words you were proactive in your life and not reactive. I am smiling thinking about how well you did in this test. I think you should be proud. Remember be the Bug!!!
P.S. I am sorry to hear of your dog, it is emotional to have to deal with it (((bug)))
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Thanks everyone, my process just shows how powerful our emotions are but that we can control our response.
Here's the tribute S24 wrote about our dog, my third son:
Today is a sad day.
Earlier this morning, our dog of a decade and a half was put to sleep. He had been having problems getting up after laying down among other things, so it wasn't a surprise, but it was still a blow.
To me, at least, Dog was not so much a pet as he was a brother: he, my brother, and I had more adventures together in the deserts of Southern Arizona and beyond than I can count, and I have so many great memories of our time together. He had plenty of moments when he was a pain, but I was proud to call him my dog.
He was a good friend, and was always there for me, and I hope that he would say the same of me were he able to. I wish I had spent more time with him, and been able to be there with him at the end, but I know he knew I love him. He had a long life (a decade and a half is a long time for a dog his size) filled with good times. I couldn't have asked for a better friend to grow up with, and his presence in the world is sorely missed.
Rest in peace, old buddy. You've earned it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
