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He is resolved in ending our M. Don't know what to do.

Sorry to say this but your marriage already ended at bomb drop.

My suggestion is to see a lawyer, and come up with what is fair and reasonable for you in this settlement.

Best thing to do is agree that his divorce is going to move forward but that you will protect yourself and get the best deal for you.

Dont let him bully you.

This is now going to be more about the fight than the divorce paperwork.

MyPain,

Very sorry you've gotten to this place but Cadet is right, your old marriage is over and there's not much you can do unilaterally to change that when faced with a deadline.

First of all, you don't have to do this on his schedule, but if he feels you're just delaying, he'll get anxious and pressure you, so if you need a break, just propose an alternate schedule -- "H, I understand you want to sit down and review this, but I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. Let's agree to discuss it on 9/20, 2 weeks from today. That will give me time to mentally prepare."

That way, you're establishing an end point to the waiting and removing uncertainty and anxiety. As others have suggested, you should also consult a lawyer. That's different from contesting what he wants, you're just getting educated. My understanding is that in many states, divorce settlements all come out more or less the same regardless of how much money is spent on lawyers, so there's really not that much variability. You'll want to understand what to expect, and then review if H is trying to do anything out of the ordinary.

If H is in a hurry, that also gives you leverage as you can agree to move faster in exchange for concessions that you want. My ExBiL refused to vacate the house for 18 months which gave him considerable leverage when my sister wanted him out.

Here's the thing -- you're not done, you're not done until you decide to be done. The majority of divorces that are filed are cancelled before they are finalized, and even couples who divorce sometimes remarry. The point is not to view it as an unavoidable tragedy.

The reality that you will see on this board again and again is that you really cannot make much progress at all with H as long as he is involved with an OW. You're simply shut out. You can do lots of work on you, but not on your marriage, because he is not emotionally available to you. It becomes a waiting game, or "limbo" as it's called, and only you can decide how long you're willing to wait for his affair to end. When it does end, there is still no guarantee that he'll return, but if you've taken Michelle's advice and done 180, GAL, and Act-as-if, you dramatically improve your odds.

Accuray

I'm discovering this is true - even with a minor EA. Getting all that emotional pretty stuff is like a drug, and it's almost impossible to compete with. So, when you detach, GAL, etc - you remove yourself as an "annoyance" and force H to focus on OW and himself, and in my opinion, it speeds up the inevitable breakup since affairs almost never last. Every nag and complaint to H just makes him think OW is better, and allows him to overlook her faults a little bit longer.

Thank you Cadet, Accuracy, and JonF.

I did see a lawyer last week to understand my rights. My name was only recently added to the title/deed in July 2013. However, the house is mortgaged in husbands name only. However, the lawyer told me that because I am named as a title holder, that my husband cannot legally sell this house without my authorisation.

In addition, our finances have always been split so there are no major issue there.

He actually said the ball is in my court because of the infidelity on the part of my H.

I mean I haven't really said much to him in days and when he asked me about deciding and signing the separation agreement and I say later, he gets upset with me. I don't feel like I am annoying him. He is the one forcing me to concede. I guess I just have to.

Hi MP, sorry you find yourself here, but you are in a good place. You'll get lots of support and info on here.

Accuray is right - tell him you still need time to sort your mind and emotions out. Give your H a date that you will sit down and discuss it with him. Accuray's words are perfect.

Stay strong, and remember you're not alone.

Hi MP. I've just come across your thread from NQ's thread. I'm sorry to hear that you are here, but I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. As someone said on here, this is a typical scenario. My H left me for an OW in 2000 and came back 8 months later and wanted to start again. This time he's been away for about 5 months. He is definitely 100% in a MLC, as confirmed by his mum last night when I was on the phone to her. Her words were he's told her that he's 47 and wants something better in his life. He's miserable with me and wanted to move on.
I'm not pinning on my hopes on his return, but I have a tiny bit of hope that he will return one day.
He told me he wanted a D back in June. So far he's not done anything about it as he can't afford it. It's a horrible sitch to be in
You seem to have the right attitude as regards to the separation agreements by getting yourself a solicitor and sorting it out that way. I just wish that none of us have to go through this
Stay strong, we're here for each other

I guess I can agree to sit down. I know he will want to do that tonight but I will say not until next weekend. I am trying hard not to even say a word to him, but he is. I am just not use to how awful he has been to me. I am not confrontational and have been a good wife taking care of him.

And he speaks to me like he does not like me all of a sudden.

Whether he is MLC or WAS, this is typical behavior. I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better, but please understand that we have ALL experienced this, some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent. After BD the WAS is not the same person they were even a day before BD. You've got to accept that the H you knew is gone, replaced by this new version that treats you poorly. He is not going to just snap out of it either, this new version is here to stay for quite some time. The sooner you accept this the sooner you will let him go and focus on the only thing you can control- you.

As Cadet and Accuray said, your M is gone. Too many people on these forums get stuck because they're trying to cling to a M that is simply dead and gone, never to return. DB'ing is about letting go of that old M, and making yourself the best person you can be with the hopes of maybe attracting your spouse back some day into a new relationship and eventually a new marriage. But for now, accept that your M is done. Sit down with your H to discuss things if that's his request, and try to do it with as little emotion as possible. Don't make any concessions to him though, if he's pushing for D then tell him you don't want to agree to anything until you've consulted a L. It's time to toughen yourself up for what you're about to go through.

Your H's behaviour is definitely typical. Don't take any of it personally though or you'll end up feeling worse and worse. As AS says, you have to focus on yourself.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself (ie, lawyer) and don't be pressured into having that talk today if you don't feel ready. Agree to set a date and stick to that date. I'd even recommend airing your thoughts about what you want to say on here so that you can get feedback as to whether it's a good idea or not. Once said, words can't be taken back and you don't want to be misinterpreted.

In the meantime, focus on making yourself a better person. Is there something you've always wanted to try but haven't yet, a hobby you used to do but stopped? Keep yourself busy so that you don't have time to dwell on your sitch. Always remember that you can only change yourself, no one else.

Stay strong and remember that you are not alone.