Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New to This - An English Man In Trouble

So she is NOT in the same place as you are as you thought. Don't pressure her and just take things slowly.

Yes i have come to the same conclusion alothough part of me has been burying my head in the sand and just been hoping things would improve. I have gone back to the drawing board and started concentrating on me again maybe something i have let slip these last few weeks with the expected outcomes .
Rightly or wrongly i spoke to W on Sunday night and told her that i was unhappy that i thought we had made little or no progress these last 3-4 weeks and mentioned that i had seen little or no effort from her to improve things on her side which she agreed on. She was ok with the most of it but did say she thought the pressure was mounting again to which i replied that i was happy to work on our R if we were both on the same path but not on my own, thats me standing up for what i believe. She sent me a text later that night saying she was glad i had spoken my mind and that we should discuss the next night a way forward.
This didnt happen monday or last night but i am not pushing it just pulling back and getting on with my own thing. She has been different since and suggested we go for drinks after work on thursday and even asked if i wanted to do something 'just the two of us' for my birthday on friday, the big 40 I declined because i wanted to do something with her and the kids which is the truth and she was fine about it.
We go on holiday on saturday for 2 weeks in the sun and this has been something i have been looking forward to for weeks however now i am starting to get cold feet and maybe not quite looking forward to it as much.
Thanks again Mr Bond

Well feeling pretty emotional tonight.... After the initial highs of a few weeks ago I find myself off to bed alone before hitting the big '40' tomorrow. I guess I had pictured waking up with my wife in the morning but not to be. The romantic in me had thought I would be there by now, difficult to keep a positive attitude tomorrow. I guess I should be thankful I am still here and still trying to get things back on track but the San miguels haven't helped lol

Well a quick update on my situation:
I have just returned from 2 weeks on holiday with my wife and kids and we had a great time, a couple of minor issues along the way but we talked them through and stopped them becoming bug issues. Whilst away my wife has started to read a book called 'project happy ever after' which i can only take as a positive and since our return at the weekend we have returned to sleeping in the same bed again which i am happy about. I am still working on me and my issues and it looks like my wife has started to work on 'us' too, a long way to go and i am going to make every effort not to expect too much too early or add any pressure into it.
One area that has started to cause a few issues is my mother.... When i told her we were going to try to get things back on track she said she didnt think she could treat my wife the same as before for a long time as she has seen how much hurt i have been through (a typical reaction no doubt for a mother and son). our first few visits to my parents home didnt go well and she didnt speak or look at my wife (not in a nasty way) which was noticed by my wife. I visited my parents and discussed with them (my dad had noticed too) and she was upset and said she didnt know how to move forwards, i told her how important it was for me and she promised to work on it, this did happen and i was very proud of her however the last visit before our holiday and our visit on our return seemed to revert back and has really upset my wife even to the point she thinks other members of my family are treating her differently too (something i havent noticed if i am honest), she has indicated that it could be a major stumbling block for us and wont be offering them any chances of looking after the kids or invites to family parties we have planned, even as far as going out/upstairs if they call round. I have tried to be diplomatic about this with my wife but i can see this turning into a major problem, it seems to be a case of start working on one thing and another thing comes to bite you on the #ss!!!
Any advice on dealing with this would be greatly appreciated as always.

Thanks always H

Not having the best of days today....
My wife was in a foul mood last night, i did my best to help out without pushing and tried to remain happy with myself (for too long she would bring me down with her moods). Whilst helping her with the kids dinner i picked up a hot grill and burnt my hand and she showed little or no concern and kind of acted as if 'what idiot would pick that up' not the best response and not one i would have given had the roles been reversed. My mother called round last night and was full of chat to her which was great although my wife evn took a negative out of this by saying this wasnt the norm and probably wont last, where is the positive thinking???
Is it wrong that i am starting to get my own doubts about how things are going, part of me sometimes thinks to hell with it and i will be better without this marraige it still feels like i am the only one trying. She indicated 5 weeks ago that we should try dating but has never initiated any kind of affection and i dont feel we are any further along. Her view is that things will get better in time but i am not sure how long i can live like this.....
I yearn for the day when she wants to discuss our R as i dont want to bring it up as i dont want to pressurise her and i am just not sure how long i can take this. Maybe this is just a passing phase for me because i do want nothing more than to get my marriage back on track but i would just like a small glimmer of some encouragement/progress. I have planned a date night for us on Saturday and i guess i should be positive and look forward to it but now i am not so sure.
The highlight is my son is the mascot for our local rugby team tonight and we are all going to cheer him on, i have never seen him so giddy!!!!

You are going to have bad days.

You are going to doubt.

You are going to not be happy with how she treats you sometimes.

You are going to question yourself and your tactics.

You are going to yearn for better times.

Know this ^^ going in, but don't show any of it to her on the outside. With regards to her, you are an emotional rock. Nothing she does or says affects you in any way. You are cool as a cucumber around her at all times.

As you live out that ^^, follow what the others have posted to you:

• Read DR
• Detach (some of which will come from acting like I described above)
• GAL
• Read sandi2's rules daily until you have them down pat.
• Work on becoming the man you want to be, and don't let anyone or anything get in your way.

You can do this.

-PM

Quick update:
I have had a great few days. My son did his Mascot duties on Thursday night and i was so proud of him running onto the pitch in front of 15,000 people he looked so small but loved it so much, a very proud moment. All our respective families came along and all seemed to get along and made big efforts with my wife which i could tell she was pleased about. I had a night out with my pals on Friday evening which was good to vent some frustrations with people who were able to listen without passing judgement. I did a 10 mile run on saturday in preperation for a half marathon i run in a couple of weeks, it was nice to blow some cobwebs off and i find this time a great time to think and rationalise things in my head, boy i was gasping for air at the end!!
My wife and i enjoyed a night out on saturday which much to my surprise went really well and even ended with some intamacy something that hasnt happened since before my S happened
She sent me a text yesterday thanking me for a great night and weekend which is something she has not done for a long time, all in all a positive weekend.
A couple of things that do bother me that i was hoping for some advice on....
Its pretty clear to me now that my wife isnt in the same position as me in putting everything into trying to get things back on track (it has taken me a while to figure this out for myself). What should i be doing in preperation for her getting there? One of her major issues with me has been my inability to not listen to her something that i have really given my all since she brought it up, one thing i struggle with is that like anyone i am not perfect we had a situation on Saturday when i offered to iron her dress, as it is fairly delicate i had the temp on low however she threw a tantrum because i hadnt turned it inside out, she said she told me to do that and said words to the effect "see you never listen to me". I thought this was really unfair, i am not perfect and missed that nugget of information but it seemed to be a little knee jerk considering the progress i have made. I did pull her up about it but i cant help thinking until she is in a better place a small thing like this could be the breaking point again, not a nice position to be in worrying that every miniscule thing i do is being watched so closely and could end in tears, its a tough way to live.
What should i do on the intamacy front? my wife initiated on saturday night, up until then since being back in our bed we have pretty much been sleeping on seperate sides and this has returned since Saturday which i find quite strange, should i make efforts to move this forward or wait for her to bring this up?
Its funny i read Crimson's thread more times than is probably healthy and it does give me a reality check on where my situation is. On one side i have to be happy where i am at present but it sure does suck that i seem to be sat on a razors edge and that it could change so quickly.

Thank you all for listening to my ramblings, maybe i am posting too much but i find it so calming to write down my feelings

Hi PatientMan,

Thank you for your reply, its only just shown up on my thread?
You are so right about the things that i know but it can be so hard maintaining a PMA, i guess the only thing that keeps me going is the belief that it will be all worth it eventually i would always think 'what could have been' if i threw the towel in. I know i backslide sometimes when i get the 'put downs' and my wife is having bad days but hopefully these will lessen in time.
I dont think i have fully answered the question on 'what man i want to be' in my own head as yet which is a worry. I guess this man is totally focused and can roll with the punches and be at peace if things dont work out for the better, maybe i am still trying to be a man my wife wants (or thinks she wants). I am not at the point of having the guts to say 'this is me' i am happy whether you want to stay or not, that is not saying that i havent changed so many things for myself and can see a better person for them, if nothing else these forums have helped so much on that front and i will be eternally grateful for all the help and advice i read and get (from my thread and others).
My wife has asked us to sit down tonight for a catch up on 'us' and i aim to listen and validate. One thing i have noticed with her at present is that everyone and everything seems to grate on her. Work colleagues, bosses, her family, my family, her friends, me and the kids, she normally most nights has a complaint about someone or something. It seems she has her own personal set of standards that no one can meet, surely this isnt healthy for her and i so want to rationalise this with her and talk through. I cant see how we can move on until this issue is raised. I think we have all been through periods when everything seems to be an issue so it could just be a phase, my worry is that the situation we are in has caused this.

I will let you know how tonight goes, i am not panicking about this which is a good sign of where my head is at today.

Thanks again for the advice PM

H

Just Updating to keep me focused:
My wife and i had our discussion on 'us' on thursday night i could tell she was up tight about it and she brought up she hasnt had any of 'her' time these last few weeks since our return from holiday, never having a chance to soak in the tub or read her book, i listened and validated well and her parting shot was that things are improving slowly, i kept fairly quiet as i could tell she was uneasy about discussing.
I had a rollercoaster of a weekend, we did a mexican themed night for the kids on friday which was great fun and we all enjoyed, something we never did enough of, after the kids were tucked up in bed we sat and had a few drinks and enjoyed each others company.
I had to work on Saturday morning which was a pain but helps with the bills I found a 'lump' on one of my testicles during the week which has worried me and i brought it up on Saturday night, she was very good about it offering to take me to the doctors, i booked an appointment for sunday morning at the walk in centre and they put my mind at rest to some degree and told me to speak to my own doctor as soon as i can.
I put forward a day out into Liverpool on Sunday (for all of us) which she was keen on and we had a really good day out as a family however it turned pear shaped as the evening went on. W had a couple of mosquito bites on her shoulder which i suggested we get her some anti histamine tablets on our return - she replied that i didnt need to tell her that and she already new that - ouch!! She also got caught out with womens monthly issues whilst we were out, we looked for somewhere to buy some bits from whilst we were out to no avail however on our return home i offered to jump on my bike and get her some bits, this i did as i thought it was the right thing to do however i could tell she was in one of her moods with me and to be fair at this stage the kids were tired and not helping the situation although they probably sensed the atmosphere wasnt good, on my return from the shop we didnt dicuss further and she went to bed clearly unhappy.
Yesterday morning i got an early start as i needed to go for a run before my half marathon in two weeks on my return her mood was no better and she indicated that she was taking the kids out for the rest of the morning and i wasnt included. I did push a little to try to understand her issues as my views was that i was acting as a helpful husband throughout her views were somewhat different:
My bringing up the anti-histamine was me controlling her.
Not stopping on our way home for her essentials was again me deciding what we do, i indicated that she could have actioned this too but she replied as has been for years what she says doesnt matter and doesnt get listened to.
Me going out to get her the bits she needed leaving her with washing to bring in and kids playing up was not fair - It was late and dark and we had a couple of drinks so i didnt feel comfortable her going out alone in the dark - again me controlling her.
She indicated that she is very tired and never once got to have a sleep in over the weekend or time to her self to have a bath or relax - if i had discussed my lump earlier in the week with her i could have actioned earlier and she wouldnt have been left with the kids early in the morning.
Her parting shot (with tears in her eyes) was that we are not communicating and its not got any better and she probably have a better life if she was a single mum - painful to hear!
After she left i did send her a small text indicating that i understand her concerns and that we need to work on them things to have any chance of us improving.
She did seem to have relaxed on their return and we had her parents round for a BBQ last night that went well, after they left and we had the kids in bed we did talk through the communication part briefly before she took an early night as she was shattered.
Its our 9th anniversary today and we did cards this morning, i arranged for the kids to write us a card and they brought her in a bunch of flowers which put a smile on her face. Her card to me said that its been an awful year and hopefully things will get better. I am cooking her her favourite dinner tonight although understandably celebrations this year are on a low burner.
Apologies for all the detail i havent expressed my own views on all of this, alot to take in from the highs and lows of the weekend - but writing down has helped.
Life is tough!!

H xx

Well our anniversary passed off without any problems, we had a nice evening with a couple of drinks and i made a nice dinner, it was good to chat and get things back on an even keel for now. I have been keen to promote W getting some time for herself and to catch up on some sleep and rest something i think i let slip over the last week, not listening to her issues fully and supporting. Its difficult because i think its a fine line between controlling and offering help - "why dont you get an early night?" can be seen to be controlling in her eyes and me being mr helpful in mine.
I really worry how long i can wait for my W to get in the position to work on us which i guess is normal... There are days like today when i feel pretty low and think i should set some boundaries for my own future. I am in the difficult position that my wife thinks things will just get better in time and doesnt want to discuss in any way and she closes down the shutters whenever i try to instigate discussions on moving baby steps forward. A fatal mistake but i looked through old email/texts this morning and we had such a wonderful life something i yearn so much to get back to. I can live without the sex for now but some days i just miss having that someone there. Although we are back in the same bed its like there is an iron curtain between us, we cant even go to bed at the same time, last night we were both tired and i said it was time i went to bed and she said ok i think i will go downstairs and watch some TV for a while (she seems to have put her help book away for the time being). Its as if she cant get into bed at the same time as me, whenever i have gone to bed she has been asleep, whenever i go to bed she stays up until im asleep.
Days like today i wish i had the guts to say - i cant continue like this and need for my own wellbeing to have some commitment from her and that i have my own personal boundaries that wont allow myself to stay unhappy like this and i deserve to be treated better, alas i dont have them guts yet and i am continuing on this merry-go-round for how long i can keep this up i dont know. I hope people dont think i am being gready, reading some stiches on here i know i am in a better place than some but its the 'no plan' that i struggle with.

Sorry for boring you all again - thanks H