I'm doing Weight Watchers with a vengeance and devoting a lot of time and attention to it. There's an activity monitor I wear all the time and try to get to my 100% activity goal every day. That requires something comparable to a run in the morning and a walk at lunch and in the evening. Or a 2 mile hike and a mile swim. It's a lot. I'm doing the C25K app and am in week 5 of 9 weeks and my knees don't like it at first, but I'm doing it anyway. I try to get in a long hike of 3+ hours with elevation changes on the weekends since the AT is nearby with some good views. So far I've lost 16 pounds and trying to stay motivated. I've discovered over the years that WW works for me only if I devote a significant amount of time and mental space to planning and executing the program; it is NOT easy. I still have a long way to go, but since I really got serious 4 weeks ago I've seen consistent results. In addition to hiking/walking, C25K, and occasional pilates/zumba/step, I'm incorporating a hula hoop next to my TV - it's a fun way to get a little extra core work in.
Re scouts, my co-den leader from Cub Scouts is a really enthusiastic Eagle Scout and now that they're all older he's an active leader in the Boy Scout troop. He reached out after noticing my s13 was way behind and not showing up much, and they spent an afternoon together knocking stuff out and making a plan. S13 wants to get to Seabase in Florida, but first he's got to get from scout to star rank and spend a week at Lenhoksin in VA. I'm glad someone's encouraging him because I see all that and feel discouraged myself. We're not a very typeA family.
kate's_place as soon as I locate that store I'll let you know. I'm gonna get free shipping on mine from Amazon.
Thanks for stopping by, I forgot how nice the sense of community here is. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wow, great results on WW. It's worked for me to as the online version works beautifully with my need for control and record keeping.
I'm happy S13 has someone to mentor him, sometimes people show up in our lives just when we need them. I give gratitude everyday for these types of things. Sometime I'm amazed at how blessed, lucky, fortunate I am. I used to ignore these types of things, now I celebrate them.
It's uplifting that your Mom seems to be in remission and that family members are around to visit with her.
All the best to you and yours, Ad.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with Bug, this people tend to come into our lives if we are open to the need and aware of the possibilities. A bit woo woo, but I have never been in a situation where I didn't get what I needed. Okay, so it wasn't what I wanted, but the universe has a sense of humour
H came to stay with the kids this week so I could take a business trip. I had three days and nights of meetings inside the airport, even the hotel was located in the airport, long hours and lots of stress. I checked in a couple of times with the kids, and was happy not to be bombarded by H with intrusive text messages. Things seemed to go smoothly.
Getting out of the airport and in the cab home though H started a barrage of texts about something that seemed very important to him but was unimportant to me, the location of some money I had left on the table for the kids that they never noticed was there. I couldn't do much about it from the cab, and I'd be home soon so it was moot, so I tried to get H to let it go, but he insisted I answer his questions. So I wrote specifically how much, where and how I left it, etc, and he found it in one minute. I said fantastic, and he said "you could have just answered the question" - what a brat. I fumed for a minute about how intrusive and rude he is, and then let it go. I thought about how he must be stressed out from not being used to dealing with them. He probably wanted to leave everything perfect when he left and this thing hanging was causing him stress. When he's stressed, he just acts like a jerk, it is standard MO for him. He's not thinking about whether I'm exhausted, or balancing luggage on an escalator, or figuring the taxi's tip. He wants his questions answered and he wants them answered NOOOOOWWWWW. Anyway, I thought sympathetic thoughts and let the matter drop in my head. He may continue thinking I'm bratty but I'm not going to keep writing texts to get him to not think that.
I arrived home, and the place was deserted. So I guess he found the money and it was the last thing he put in place, drove S13 to scouts and took off from there. I texted him "the house looks great thx" and he texted "ur welcome".
S15 was out in the neighborhood with his friend and came home later, and S13 got a ride home even later, and then the boys and I got some time to reconnect, which was nice. I got a hug from S15. I brought them mini-ketchups from the meeting lunch. Not my best souvenir but I didn't get out to shop.
Next day S15 and his friend sat around the kitchen table with me complaining about how mean H was. S15 asked him for a couple dollars to go buy snacks and he said in a derogatory way "why should I give you any money? The government furloughed me and I'm not getting paid why should you get anything?" I validated S15's feelings and pointed out how H probably was feeling about losing his income. S15 said "I don't care. He shouldn't take that out on me. When he doesn't treat me with respect, I respect him less. I don't even want to be around him at all." I asked S15 if he would consider telling H about how H's words and tone make him feel disrespected. S15 said he didn't care about H understanding him.
H came to one of S15's lacrosse games and hung around after so he could say hi to S15, and I offered to drive him over to his car. When we got close he said, "pull over in front of that [truck in front of his car], and then be careful pulling out because those other cars can't see you." Deep breath. I believe possibly maybe he doesn't think I'm a complete moron but rather is expressing caring and concern for our safety. But I sure am tired of being treated like a moron. I've been driving with good success for 31 years now. With a smile I pulled in where he asked, let him out without arguing about his acting like my dad, and then put him out of my mind and pulled out with exactly as much care as I felt necessary and not one bit more. I might have the world's most irritating xH, but he's not the world's worst xH, there are worse ones out there.
At the lacrosse game a mom I don't know well, who was next to me, moved way over when she saw that H arrived, and said something about how he'll surely want to sit next to me, and maybe hold hands ha ha. I didn't say anything, and H sat two rows in front of us, leaving the wide space next to me gaping. That was a bit awkward. It takes getting used to, being a noncouple with your H out in public.
I'm sad that S15 doesn't like his dad right now, but I'm so glad to hear him expressing himself now. I hope that being able to talk it out around the kitchen table makes it seem less large in his mind.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think that it is great that your S15 is able to speak his mind and express his feelings. My D15 does that also and at times it is stressful as she has no problems telling anyone how it is, but I am very proud that she does not hold it in.
The little things that frustrate us. This weekend we went to wal mart to get something and as I was starting to back up, my W said someone is walking behind us. My first thought went to you have to be kidding me? I am a great driver and drive all the time and blah, blah, blah. I then stopped and thought she is just being thoughtful and careful. I do/did the same things to her. On another note, I am very addicted to candy crush and am ahead of the W as I can play at work and she cannot. Anyways, sometimes I sit with her while she plays and I noticed that I wanted to say oh move that one or you missed a great move. I bite my lip as I know how much that annoys her. I sit quietly and think in my head, you know what? She is more than capable of playing this game and playing it well. She might not play it like I do and that is ok.
I guess I am just pointing out how much there is for me to be aware of and think before I speak, and then maybe put myself in her shoes and try to see it from her point of view before I make a judgment.
Thanks for you post, it got me thinking more
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Following on what jp said, is your H like that with everyone or is it just you? It seems, from what you describe, that he might be that way all the time. Imagine being in his head where everyone is doing things that are disturbing, all the time. Not a good place to be.
What were you thinking when he first texted about the money?
Sounds like a crazy kind of meeting. You must be exhausted.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi jp! I realize that after almost 25 years, my H thinks of me as an extension of himself, an unruly difficult to control one that is not as good as his actual self, but a possession nonetheless, so every move I make is judged and criticized. My parenting, my choice of activities, my performance of chosen activities, my driving, my cooking, all of it. I resent the heck out of it.
At the bomb I went through this painful psychic tearing apart of me from him that I had never imagined. I couldn't imagine not being his wife, not being his partner, not being two halves of a whole. I learned how codependent I was, and how much we did function like only a half. I was the emotional half, and he did none of it, no connecting, no affection, it was my department. He was the intellectual half, although I'm a smart college educated person he did the big financial decisions and the bills and the man-of-the-house stuff and I relinquished those things and left them up to him. So it was hard to imagine how I'd survive without him, and then I found db and I detached and I pulled myself up and am learning how to survive without him. Now I'm a whole instead of a half, and in future relationships I'll still be a whole instead of a half, and I'll expect my relationship partners to be that too.
So when my H comes in and treats me like a half again, I find it annoying. He says things to me that he would never say to a coworker or neighbor.
If he saw me preparing to plow down a pedestrian in my blind spot, I'd accept and be glad for a "watch out!" as would any neighbor or coworker. But a neighbor who he tells to "pull out carefully" is going to think he's an a$$ and consider spending time with other friends instead of him.
I've detached from him, and I think it's going to take a lot more time for him to realize that he's not responsible for my driving, my household air filters, my misplaced kid spending money, et cetera. If I look five years down the road, after I've bought him out of the house and after we're divorced, I'll be very surprised if he's still telling me to put my turn signal on. And if he is, I won't be inviting him into my car.
I think it's great that you're realizing her point of view is not yours and yours is not hers. That's hard to learn after many years of being enmeshed in a codependent relationship. I'm still learning too, so my first response even if it isn't verbalized is annoyance that I then have to work through. Getting better at it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi jp! I realize that after almost 25 years, my H thinks of me as an extension of himself, an unruly difficult to control one that is not as good as his actual self, but a possession nonetheless, so every move I make is judged and criticized. My parenting, my choice of activities, my performance of chosen activities, my driving, my cooking, all of it. I resent the heck out of it. I really need to re-read all of your threads again. There is soooo much to learn from what you post as you are a lot like my W and I your H.
I am not condoning what your H does, but I do want to say this. For me I think the reason I was like that with my W, so judgmental and critical is out if my own lack of self-esteem and self-worth. I tore her down to make myself feel better, more important. Ya, it's a really bad thing. I was jealous, maybe more envious of how capable my W was and I fell short in so many ways.
At the bomb I went through this painful psychic tearing apart of me from him that I had never imagined. I couldn't imagine not being his wife, not being his partner, not being two halves of a whole. I learned how codependent I was, and how much we did function like only a half. I was the emotional half, and he did none of it, no connecting, no affection, it was my department. He was the intellectual half, although I'm a smart college educated person he did the big financial decisions and the bills and the man-of-the-house stuff and I relinquished those things and left them up to him.My W did the same thing and she was more than capable of managing those things, even better than I, but she felt that was what was right? So it was hard to imagine how I'd survive without him, and then I found db and I detached and I pulled myself up and am learning how to survive without him. Now I'm a whole instead of a half, and in future relationships I'll still be a whole instead of a half, and I'll expect my relationship partners to be that too.
So when my H comes in and treats me like a half again, I find it annoying. He says things to me that he would never say to a coworker or neighbor.
If he saw me preparing to plow down a pedestrian in my blind spot, I'd accept and be glad for a "watch out!" as would any neighbor or coworker. But a neighbor who he tells to "pull out carefully" is going to think he's an a$$ and consider spending time with other friends instead of him.
I've detached from him, and I think it's going to take a lot more time for him to realize that he's not responsible for my driving, my household air filters, my misplaced kid spending money, et cetera. If I look five years down the road, after I've bought him out of the house and after we're divorced, I'll be very surprised if he's still telling me to put my turn signal on. And if he is, I won't be inviting him into my car.
I think it's great that you're realizing her point of view is not yours and yours is not hers. That's hard to learn after many years of being enmeshed in a codependent relationship. I'm still learning too, so my first response even if it isn't verbalized is annoyance that I then have to work through. Getting better at it.
Yes the codependency is deep and sick with us, much to change. From what you write, you are more amazing than you could ever imagine and your H is insecure. Thanks again for your postings, wow do they hit home and help me.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
