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If you come home and has a major attitude because you are there, TOO BAD! THAT IS HIS PROBLEM!

It is your home too. If he doesnt like it, he can leave. If it makes him uncomfortable, too bad. He can leave anytime he wants to. That is his choice and his alone. Tell him that you understand that he feels uncomfortable and that you are sorry that he feels that way.

BKS

BKS

Thank you so much BKS, your advice (and everyone's) truly helps me tons. I am going to continue to journal and vent here. He didn't get rude or anything just created one of those tense atmospheres that you can cut with a knife. Interestingly when I finished eating and started to head upstairs he asked me "where are you going" I said "upstairs" he said "why" I said "to read" and kept going. (That was his backwards way of telling me I "can" stay downstairs with him). Although I didn't want to display less than PMA I also didn't want him to think that just b/c he decided to get out of his funk I was now all of a sudden enthusiastic to spend time with him. That's a 180 for me, b/c usually I either try to lift him out of his funk or I get all sulky and take it personally. You are 100% correct, if he doesn't want me home then he can go out. I am the one carrying the baby after all (which is why I came home when I did ... tired and hungry).

Congrats on your MC as a couple and W wearing wedding ring again!

As per DB im journaling small Changes. Some observations: before my latest attempt at distancing he did start coming home (albeit with lots of tense moments) again and has re-ignited his interest in the baby. He also bought the house with me (though he insists he is still leaving me and just wants easy access and a nice place for his son to live). After the attempts at distancing he started facing me on the bed (still doesn't snuggle but before he kept his body totally turned away all night), kisses me goodbye (though still only on cheek), tells me bits about his day at work and sometimes calls/texts for no reason (I don't do that anymore, only communicate about real estate and the baby), talking to me about finances (he literally stopped caring a few months ago about our bills), discussing fixing up the house, and a semi renewed interest in how I'm feeling / what I'm eating (took the "you're an adult" stance before). If I'm honest he's treating it more like a friendly business arrangement than a romance, but better than the extreme avoidance and anger from before. I will continue to distance myself as much as possible. Being by myself yesterday after work and doing things mostly thinking about my baby was a very good step. Yes I'm patting myself on the back. . Thanks for listening everyone.

Cycles down. Another night of attitude. He attended my work baby shower as a surprise and I really thought the right thing to so was tell him how much I appreciated his presence (he is quite busy at work). I said that he gives me stone cold silence. This is in between his awkward demanding in order navy ble everything (car seat, stroller) for the baby and awkward silence. Then he huffs and puffs bc he thinks that in packing (did I tell you I'm picking our condo up to be vacated in a month) I misplaced a CD cover for a work video. I didnt. Then the lat straw for him was that I let the household run out of toothpaste. So of course I react ( hard not to when it's been all night ) and tell him what a jerk he is. Right now I'm string ready to go to the 24 hour Walmart to get toothpaste. Bc I'm such a bad woman, wife and mother to be for letting us run out of essentials. Well he says I don't have to and that I'm making things worse and i could get into a car accident (I presume bc in upset). I retorted " I'm not the one with a moving violation". So back to square one kind of. What should have been a decent day with his attendance at shower is ruined. I let him get the best of me. And the only thing I'm doing differently is I didn't raise my voice too much and I'm leaving so I don't stay and continue to be upset. I paused to write this bc my mother told me never to drive upset. Cycle down. I lost. I guess if I was truly DB properly I wouldn't have told him how much his presence at the shower meant to me? Bc obviously he just did it bc my coworkers asked and he probably wanted to spare me the embarrassment of him saying no. Ugh. Anyway.

You can't undo anything from today, so just learn from it.

Practice NOT reacting to what your WAH says or does. You are cool as a cucumber...an emotional rock. Nothing bothers you. Got it?

-PM

Thanks PatientMan. You guys as all right. I'm glad I know about cycling bc then I would have been really disappointed in myself. My issue is to be truly cool I have to remove some of the "light airy" aspect of our interaction. Like I know it's supposed to be more "not mad just cool" but that's hard for me. Im going to try really hard. I am just going to go to work then go to the bookstore afterward and read. I'll leave the car for him (we share one) so he doesn't have to bother me about picking him up. And I'm not telling my whereabouts today. How can I truly be mysterious if my answer is always "at the bookstore" but that's about what I can handle now at almost 8 months pregnant. Anyway, cool as a cucumber and focus on baby not H. That's my work for today.

Journaling : Huge backslide last night. Was day 3 of mega attitude and I just couldn't help getting upset. Then we were fine last night (in terms of talking) but he is back to attitude again with me today. I know I'm to focus on me and the baby but I really feel as though he either is doing that thing (consciously or subconsciously) where he is being mean/picking fights/ignoring me so that I get fed up and leave, or that he is going to stay in the marriage cake eating (one foot in, one foot out) b/c it's not economically feasible for him to divorce me now. I feel so defeated. I didn't even want to have lunch with him today. He brought lunch home and usually I will unwrap his sandwich and put it on a plate. But lately he always tells me not to touch his sandwiches anymore. So I just took mine out and went upstairs. He stayed downstairs and we were both silent with the exception of me giving him info on quotes I got for movers.

I couldn't even be bothered to PMA and put on a happy face, I feel literally exhausted from this and I feel like I don't even want him in our lives anymore. Is this how he's going to be around my baby? Lifeless, grumpy and with major attitude everyday. If so, is it worth it to have him around? How am I going to cope with that with hormones crashing and on our hours of interrupted sleep.? I am just venting. Thanks for listening.

You are letting him get under your skin which means to me that you are not detached. DETACH!!! DETACH!!! DETACH!!!

You are letting him affect you. Remember what Patientman said, COOL AS A CUCUMBER! It will get easier the more you do it. If he is being rude or disrespectful, tell him not to talk to you that way. He seems to be exerting his control over you, AND YOU ARE LETTING HIM! STOP LETTING HIM. you need to detach. I know it is hard at first. I am still struggling with it. But the more I GAL, PMA, 180, and AsIf, the better I get at it. Practice Practice Practice. It will get easier.

Act AsIf his shenanigans dont affect you and you will take his power away. When he gets the attitude, say you dont appreciate it and then remove yourself from his presence. Go where he is not and compose yourself. Go somewhere else and cool down. Dont let him see you upset. You are choosing to let him bother you. Choose not to let him bother you and just move forward with your life AsIf you could care less if he is in it or not.

Thanks BKS so very much. I need to hear this. I know I am failing miserably at detaching but the worst part about it is so does he. Next time he upsets me I think I will just quietly put on some clothes and go downstairs to my condo library. If I can manage that that will be a huge 180 b.c he does still affect me. I am either upset and crying/yelling/questioning or asking (to no avail) what's wrong or sulking and sad all based on how he approaches me. And this is an almost everyday thing so I've got to figure out how to power through and deal with it.

I have some questions about the proper method of detaching. Was it ok today that I just took out my own sandwich and went upstairs to eat? (I didn't want to risk another "don't touch my food" episode like I have the plague or something). Or should I have just eaten downstairs with him and tried to be light and airy, while letting him still take out his own sandwich?

In the mornings I drive him to the train station. I am not a morning person, but I am even quieter than normal because I don't want to say the wrong thing to make him upset. Should I make more effort in the morning (a complaint of his though I don't know exactly how I am to change the fact that I simply do not like mornings ???)

Also do I make extra effort with things he complains about around the house? For instance I am sitting at the kitchen island typing. I just finished eating a piece of cake. He hates it when he comes home and there's empty dishes in front of me, like he thinks I should immediately get up and put it in the sink when my default is to put it in the sink the next time I get up. If he comes home and sees me on the computer with the empty dish he will either visibly get upset or not necessarily show me he is but we both know what he's thinking. So is part of "acting as if" and detaching not caring to run around trying to make things perfect for him. Or should I try to preempt it by taking care of the things he complains about as much as possible? (It's never going to be enough, if I put away the dish he will be upset b/c i didn't put the babies things or boxes that I'm packing for our move in exactly the right spot he thinks they should be in).

Also, in general is it better to detach a bit with distance (either in the home or by doing things after work/GAL outside) or do I stay put and actively try harder when he is around to be more cheerful?

These may seem like silly questions but I genuinely don't know how to approach them. I would appreciate your feedback and others as well. Thanks in advance.

Hi lost, I was just catching up on your sitch and wanted to send you a hug and some support. I know it must be really hard for you right now, especially being very pregnant. I remember how emotional and hormonal I could be when pregnant and BF! Having an unsupportive H makes it even worse! I hope you continue to try and detach, do your 180s, and GALs (even if it's just hanging out at a bookstore!). Try to keep that PMA and not let your H's attitude affect you, because stress and anxiety is not good for you or your baby. The good news is that your baby will be here soon and I will tell you that it is a lot of hard work (especially the first few months!), but it gets so much better (and easier) as time goes on and is the best thing that will ever happen to you. My S makes me so happy and I love him more than I can even describe in words. Congratulations on the baby and good luck with your sitch!