Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Letting go and moving forward

WH, you are amazing! I hope the empowerment that you've felt on your camping trip stays with you once you're home. Being in nature can really sooth and nurture your soul. Soak it all up.

I'm sure your kiddos are having a great time. You are creating wonderful memories for all of you.

Bea, I am just stunned by the recent developments in your stitch. (I will post on your thread.) The fact that you haven't had a major emotional backslide is a testament to your level of healing and who you are today.

Why do these MLCers hang on? I just don't get it. Our xh's ran for the hills with OW leaving us to raise our boys. I can't get mine to settle our D yet he has said that he wants it final ASAP. Here's a funny quirk about my xh - everyday when he came home he would take off his shoes at the front door. He would always place them half on the entry tile and half on the living room carpet. He would also leave cabinet and room doors partially open. When I pointed this out to him he admitted that he had a hard time committing one way or the other. So, it's no wonder that I'm in the situation that I'm in. Someone is going to have to sit on xh to get him to sign a settlement. Frankly, I'm surprised that he pushed the D since limbo seems to be more comfortable for him.

AA, yes, peace does come eventually. No one can tell you when or how to achieve it. The experience is very personal and unique to the individual. Keep reading here. The vets are so generous with their time. I have found their advice to be extremely helpful. Sometimes, especially when my faith was weak, it was all I had. Take very good care of yourself.

Thank you, snodderly. My mother is home at the moment. My brother and SIL are here. After church the boys and I will visit with them. This may be the last time we are all together. I hope it will bring some peace to my mom. She is not afraid to die, but she is really struggling with leaving all of us. She has decided to try one more chemo treatment. Her doctor offered it, but isn't hopeful. The next step would have been to call in hospice. She doesn't seem ready to make that decision. However, she is fading away. She may not be aware of it, but the rest of us are.

I've never been aware of just how fluid life is as I have been these last two years. For a long time I fought all of the changes - my broken marriage, my mom's illness, the boys' growing up. There has been a lot of anguish attached to each of these. Too much, at times. Allowing changes to happen has been a huge area of growth for me. Dealing with the feelings and fear is something that I have to continuously work on.

BMom, you sound good and ready to move forward. Before you start dating I urge you to read a blog by Cynthia Occelli. She has also written a wonderful book. I think her guidance about honoring yourself, protecting your spirit and dating is really good. I wish I would have had her mentoring many years ago.

Literally moments after I received a text from my Dad letting me know that my Mom has deteriorated quite a bit in the last few days, xh sent a text saying he is disappointed that he hasn't heard from S16 since he gave him the car. I don't know why he is expressing that to me. He has repeatedly told his attorney that I meddle in his relationship with the boys (of course, not true), but he still wants me to be accountable somehow. I responded with you can't buy love and how does he expect to receive love from the boys when everything he does is self serving and not out of love for them and their well being. I also made it clear that it's strictly business between the two of us so he isn't to contact me for any other reason. Last, he wanted me to know that he will deposit September support when the bank is open on Tuesday. Well, he should have done it yesterday since it is due on the first. He also conveniently forgot that he is to pay for my health insurance until I have a final settlement. I quickly added that to his total for the month along with school expenses for the boys. I am beyond sick and tired of hearing from him. I no longer care what his issues are. He's responsible for figuring himself out. I just want out of the way so I can no longer be the blame for all that is wrong with his life.

I know GM. Mine is trying to contact me and the kids even though he accuses me of meddling. I'm sick of hearing from him. I wish I could have a no contact order for mine but it would probably really set him off.

Hang in there GM. These guys are really something aren't they? Creep-tastic.

WH

I a so sorry about your mom GM - we need to be able to grieve in peace.



Ummmmmm one set of rules in life for normal people, a different set for MLCers. You will probably always be to blame. I sometimes think the nicer and kinder we were to our spouses pre MLC the worse they treat us now, to justify their actions to themselves.

It is all about covering up guilt and shame, projecting everything onto us so they do not have to deal with it.

Nearly 8 years down the line my xh is still insisting he never ever loved me, that he was right to leave me, and that I am making it up about how painful it was. I set the boys against him etc etc. Same old, same old. This time around I am bored.

It is great when the hurt goes away

Focus on yourself and your family. You have enough on your plate without this, and I would simply tell your xh this without anger. If we show emotion in response I believe they latch on to it as a hook.

Bea, like you, I am so bored with the same blame routine from xh. I simply no longer care. His latest text about being "disappointed" that he hasn't heard from S16 was annoying. I thought, poor you. I'm disappointed that you abandoned me and left me with two kids to raise on my own, that you have cost me thousands in attorneys fees, etc. I really don't know what he expected from me. Sympathy? A promise to make son contact him? I should have just ignored him.

My mom continues to slip away. Her kidneys have failed and the buildup of toxins and fluid have caused confusion. She sleeps most of the time now and will eventually lapse into a coma. After another trip to the ER this week the decision was made to stop all treatment and hospice services were started.

The decline happened very fast. None of us were quite prepared. My mom had wanted to speak privately with each of the boys, but the opportunity has passed. She is coherent for a few minutes at a time, long enough to ask for a drink, the bathroom, etc.

The boys are watching me carefully and ask how I'm doing constantly. I can tell they are afraid that my mom's death will shatter me again. It won't. It's sad, but I feel strong. I accept what is happening. Life just keeps changing. I have learned to go with the flow. I no longer act out of fear, clinging to people or situations that don't work or are out of my control. I feel peaceful.

I am on family leave for the foreseeable future so I can help my dad daily and sit with my mom. Even though she doesn't respond much I know she hears everything. She has been adamant that she doesn't want to be alone so that's the primary goal along with keeping her pain free and comfortable.

Throughout the last few weeks xh continues to send emails to his attorney, S16 and me. He has dropped the custody suit, but only because he believes I continue to poison the boys against him. He is fighting hard to continue to believe that. He just can't accept that he alone is the cause. While he focused on OW and ignored the boys he let the love between them die. I told him this early on, but he accused me of playing emotional games with him. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.

Xh is still demanding that I sell the house. I believe he is desperate for money and the feeling of being flush. He's a gambler after all and only feels secure with lots of money and a plan to get more. I'm glad I don't have to live with that anymore. I've said no to selling the house. I will stand up for what I want. He doesn't scare me. He will eventually run away. I don't anticipate him requesting a trial date, but if he does so be it. I'll decide at that point what's important to me.

In the meantime I feel very capable of balancing my life between caring for the boys and my parents. I couldn't have said that a year ago. I am so glad to be where I am. I don't anticipate a backslide with my Mom's passing, but if I do I know it is temporary and I have learned how to take care of myself and accept grief as part of life.