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I worry that after years of standing we'll never be ready/able to pull the plug... even after it's long overdue. What are your thoughts on this?



I'm a big fan of the dance... need to pull out some new moves!



Once a week is plenty when things are steady. I'll tune in. Your posts continue to help and guide many of us.

When are we doing the killer climb bike ride?

T2, you have exactly the right mindset.

It is good to see those tiny movements by your wife. This MLC stuff moves so slowly because it took years to cultivate before it boiled over.

You will know, without a single doubt, when you are done.

Sometimes it is good to just say, today is not that day.

Always look forward to your posts, sweetie.

T2,

Haven't been posting much, but have been following your posts and have been really encouraged by how well you do this db stuff. You were always a role model for me when I would shift into negative/panic mode. You helped/help me chill when I needed to chill, which has been often over the past several months.

Question for you. How will you know when your wife has chosen one of the two options? Is it possible that the way she has been acting is her way of telling you she is trying to reconcile? Not sure her communication style but in my wife's case, I am literal and she tries to speak through actions (and I wonder why we don't always understand each other :)).

CB

Tx T2 and Snodderly... I have taken some time to read the posts...need to read more still.

I will not R talk with h...it may come across like an ultimatum anyway. He is not ready for that kind of talk.

Working away on ME!

Tsquared2,

I agree with others...you are such a positive influence and funny, too! I have really benefitted from your posts!

I totally identified with your comment on drama and the MLC....for sure! I've dealt with enough drama in my husband's MLC that other "drama" in life seems so small! Lol. I will never look at drama the same way again.

And, it's great that you have kept a sense of humor. I love it!

Also, love the comment above that "Sometimes it is good to just say, today is not that day." I think we have to do that A LOT!

It's tough to just wait this stuff out...but I'm learning that it does go much better when I chill out! Lol.

Thanks for all posts above. Very helpful for me today!

Tsquared.. that is my plan as well! (he doesn't know that is my plan). I do have an expiration date as well.. as I can only take so much! I think we are both starting to notice small changes of improvement with our spouses, that is very positive! I feel that I can cope better with my situation so long as things are improving.


You are doing exactly as you should! Going on living your life, on your terms. In many ways, I think our situations are very similar!

FY-


That is a tough one. For me, with kids in house, it will always be a battle within to pull the plug, unless they give me some indication that they are done with Mom and Dad's "situation". But, for me, as long as I see some signs of effort/improvement it makes it hard to quit, I'm not a quitter by nature.

What I have learned is that this stuff goes in cycles, so when W seems to regress, or do something different, I wait and see where it goes and if it lasts. Your W may just be in a cycle of taking a break from the internal processing, and thus the stepped up going out is her "mental vacation", or escape and avoid.

I'm not sure I agree with this sentiment that we won't be willing to let go. Of course, I haven't been standing around for years yet, so who knows if my thoughts/feelings will change.

I think that it is not an expiration date, but an expiration feeling or state of mind. For me that feeling is that the marriage is not satisfying my needs and that my W has no intention of making any efforts to improve the marriage. Additionally, you need to feel that you'll be OK if separated. This removes the fear of being alone or starting over again with a new relationship.

After being in that state for awhile I can see myself talking/discussing with W and making ultimatums that will either lead to improvement in the marriage or separation and divorce.

In a way, I think it is easier for me to end it now than it was 6 months ago. Months of being treated poorly, stress of various behaviors, etc. and my efforts at improving myself, getting a life, etc. make me more independent.

Would I grieve the loss of the marriage? yes, we had 22 years of marriage, mostly good and I have no regrets about my marriage (OK, a few regrets -- regrets about things I did or didn't do in my marriage to/for my W). I also would worry about the damage a separation/divorce would have on my 3 children. These thoughts delay a decision, but they don't mean it will never come to that.

Anyway, so in T^2's case or FY's case, don't you feel that if you reach a point where the M is not improving, then it is time to end it?

I do, absolutely. But then I've only been at this for a year and a half. Most people would say that's a long time to stand in a loveless M, but here in the DB MLC forum they'll tell you you're only just beginning! (and they're right, gosh darn it!)

I've read cases where it seemed to me that a stander put up with so much, for so long, that they seem to become paralyzed, unable to pull the plug no matter how bad things got. They basically learned how to stand forever. When and if this happens I believe that it's possible that that person has given up too much of themselves, in an effort to save the M.

I have little doubt that this happens in some cases, and I would hate to have it happen to me.

Yes, I want to give my M the best shot, leave no stone unturned and all that, but I also don't want to look back in 5 or more years and regret that I hung on too long, possibly losing myself along the way.

Spot on, my friend. ^^^ And only you can know when you are ready to move on.