Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separated, D filed, possible emotional affair

I know it sounds absurd, but a lot of WAS's do think this way. They think that if they don't have intercourse then they're not engaging in an affair. We talk a lot around here about how EA's are just as damaging as PA's and sometimes even more damaging because an EA can feed a WAS's fantasy in ways a PA cannot. But most WAS's just don't see it that way. You can argue with her about it, but she will never come around to your way of seeing it. So it's best just not to respond to texts like that.

Or she is just lying. That seems to be common among WAWs too.

@AS - I only responded because I found it sort of comical.

RockJC - it's very possible. I only give her a LITTLE bit of credit because she has never lied to me before, and had extremely good morals previously. However, the realistic side of me understands many times those are the first to go out the window.

As D13 would say: "OMG!" This just keeps getting better.

I texted W about the replacement birthday present I got her that was coming tomorrow, and told her she could either pick it up tomorrow night, or I could drop it off Saturday morning. (Earlier, I had made an agreement with her to give her an action to go along with words she didn't believe, and that action was replacing a crappy birthday present).

I also reminded her I needed a copy of the dissolution to review.

She got snippy and told me to just keep the present, and I told her that it had her name on it, so would be useless to anyone else - and I said besides I keep my side of our agreement. This goes back to her agreement on 8/16 to commit 100% to our marriage and then going back on it.

The following text exchange was classic - if read in the context that I have been DBing about 6 weeks, and much more heavily lately. Remember that at this point, I don't really care about keeping the rules, I'm ready for dissolution.


Me: "I keep my word and MY side of our arrangements."
W: "Yeah, for maybe the last 6 weeks, guess that makes you man of the year."
Me: "Sorry, I don't live in the past anymore. Have a fantastic night, hope your job interview went well."
W: "Of course you don't live in the past. Why would you care about the damage you've done to me."
Me: "I've done everything in my power for 6 weeks, but apparently I'm just 'acting'".
W: "Yeah, but 6 weeks doesn't magically fix everything!"
Me: "No, you're right, that's way too short an amount of time. But you're the one cutting off the time".

I then had to go help D13 with a hair dyeing mess with this all-natural henna. W didn't respond, so I sent about 40 minutes later:

Me: "Sorry hair dye catastrophe - anyway, lemme know when I can review dissolution copies. Have a great night!"

Look, I know that right now you think you want out of this M, but it is WAY too early for you to know for sure if that's what you want. I went through something similar a few months after BD, I became convinced I was done and even considered filing for D myself. But a let the cooler heads here prevail and instead of acting on my feelings I took a step back and centered myself. Sure enough, after a month I felt much differently, I was right back to DB'ing and standing for my M. What I thought was a definite desire to end things was just in fact some temporary emotions that were clouding my judgement. But if you asked me at the time, I was POSITIVE I was done.

So give yourself some time. Quit pushing your W. There's no urgency to ending your M, give it a few weeks and see if you feel the same.



What do you hope to gain by digging at your W like this? Lots of anger here. You cannot think clearly from a position of anger, that's why I'm thinking your judgment about ending the M may be very clouded.



Anger from her side too, but she does have a point. We are constantly telling people on these forums that this is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes months and months of consistent changed behavior before a WAS believes the changes may be real and not just tricks to get them back.



Not sure how you meant that, but it comes off sounding very sarcastic/ condescending.



Also a valid point. She DOES feel hurt and damaged by you, and you're acting like it's no big deal, it's in the past to why sweat it? But it's a huge deal to her. Even though you think you're done, this is a person you will be coparenting with the rest of your life. You should strive to have a good R with her even if the M doesn't last. And to have a good R you need to learn to validate instead of arguing/ dismissing her feelings.



Every WAS thinks that at first. Like I said above, it takes many, many months to get their attention. You're not seeing changes in 6 weeks so you want to throw in the towel? That's an unrealistic timeframe.



Is she? Weren't you just complaining that she's not responding to the dissolution fast enough for you?

I read your sig again and it sounds like all 4 kids are from previous marriages, so the coparenting probably doesn't apply to you. I still think you should work on diffusing those fights before they start though (through validation techniques), it's a skill you're going to need for future R's.

It is an extremely interesting shift when the WAS loses the power over the LBS; the dynamics are fascinating. I think I'm taking advantage of that, and you're right - I'm angry, and at the moment, I don't care. I'm sure this momentary anger isn't going to erase 3 years of love, but it's healing and freeing. I should have been more selective in some of the words I used, but I was gloating a little.

Although, I actually did text W earlier this morning and basically said:
Me: "I DO care, that's why I started working on behaviors before you got back. This situation isn't about me not caring, its about you being in control"

W: "I guess you're just gonna be b!tching because I don't do everything you want. I don't know why I even bother to try. You'll never change."

Me: (after blinking a few times) "I don't really understand what you're saying; I'm not asking you for anything. I am offering to sign the dissolution you want. I'm moving on, like you want. You'll never have to see or speak to me again. Why is this not the happiest day of your life?"

No response. This day makes no sense.

I agree with AnotherStander, you sounded a bit pushy in that text exchange. It sounds like you are wanting credit for being nice and trying the past six weeks.

At this point, I'd seriously forget about the present. What's the point? To even the score? All it's doing is reminding her that she wasn't important enough to receive the present on her actual birthday. Trust me, I learned this means a lot to women, at least my W anyway.

The changes you are trying to do are supposed to be for yourself, for the long run. Six weeks in the grand scheme of things is not that long. And the text exchange makes it sound like you are doing if for HER, not for yourself. I'm not sensing your heart is really in the DB process, it's just an exercise because you feel you "have to do it" at this point to try and save the marriage.

And as strange as this sounds, I am cringing as your story develops, it seems like there's too much texting. Trust me, I went through all of this two years ago. In my sitch, and in others close by that I witnessed, texting almost always lead to trouble and was counter productive. If you really NEED to have a conversation about the relationship and where things are going, do it in person or over the telephone. To me, texting is also a bit immature. This is your life partner and most important relationship you have, isn't it worth voice-to-voice communication?

I think of texting like road rage. People feel "safe" saying and doing mean things that they wouldn't have the courage to do face to face... and its those things said that lead to trouble.

That's my 2 cents... sorry if it sounded harsh. I'm just trying to apply the lessons I learned to help you. : )

I'm more journaling our story and interactions than my personal goals or achievements so maybe I should be more broad in the approach. Believe me, I knew there had to be significant changes in how I approached situations, handled arguments, and I've been working very hard on those. I would not have a chance if I was only working on "saving the marriage".

And I couldn't agree more on texting - that text exchange is about the longest I will allow, then I just stop texting and call. If W won't answer, I end the conversation.

However, soon I'll need to file a legal response if she won't do the dissolution, but she says I'll just lie about her in court. (Says the woman lying about our relationship, her EA, etc) I told her I don't lie, and she said, "You lied about ever loving me." So I quit texting, and I actually just left a VM with her stating I was confused as to what direction to take, and I'm just leaving it alone.

Sheesh! You can't win if you fight for your marriage, and when you stop and give them what you want, they start actually having a conversation.

I know the last couple of posts have not been very good DB, but I sort of hit that wall where I was done. I know I've only been DBing for 6 weeks, but our mutual friends even say she's crazy - and some of them liked her better than me! So the true efforts have been going on for months - bettering myself, being kind to her, etc. I've been taken advantage of, uncovered an EA of some sort, and much much more.

I don't need revenge, but if my options are to go to court and defend myself against horrible grounds that are not anywhere close to truth, or sign a dissolution, I'll sign. I'd rather end our marriage with some dignity.

Your texts continue to sound really passive/ aggressive to me, and controlling/ manipulative. I think that's why she's not responding when you keep pushing the dissolution, she's probably thinking "oh now he wants it on HIS timeline, same old controlling/ manipulative H he always was."

Now I'm not saying you were the worst H ever, I am trying to help you see things from her point of view. You keep using words like "crazy" to describe her, but actually a lot of what she's saying makes sense, you're just so busy trying to defend yourself that you can't see it.



The exchanges may be short but they are extremely damaging. NTX_Dad is right, you should either refrain from texting at all or keep it strictly business. No more cheap jabs.



Are you in a no-fault-divorce state? If so then it doesn't matter which of you did what, it's irrelevant to the case. Most states are no-fault because the courts finally realized what a minefield it is trying to sort through all the he-said-she-said stuff to determine fault.



Bwaaahaaahaa! Well that's a big fat lie now, isn't it? EVERYONE lies. It's like that old joke about masturbation, studies show that 90% of the population does it and the other 10% lie about it.



You should hear what they're telling her about YOU!