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Well then that's where I need to get...to where h's antics do not get under my skin!

I think it helps a lot to go into our interactions with the mindset that I will not take what he says or does personally. I need to do more of that whenever I'm with him.

After a while of doing that, it doesn't bother me. It's when I began to see his lack of pursuit that all these little things add up again! And then I'm mad at how casually he treats me...like I'll always be around to put up with his dumbbutt!

Cindy

Off the record, what kind of boundaries are you thinking about? Do they match up those 9 goals you set last week?

Wiley,

Well the MC said that my boundaries need to be such that they put more responsibility on h for how the r progresses. I have one so far which involves getting respect. H is too vague when making plans almost non-committal so MC has suggested that when that happens I should plan on ending the conversation or leaving. MC said that if I was his GF he'd have the common courtesy to tell me the specifics of the date and give advance notice. But I digress...

The MC said that I should also remove all pressure from h regarding us getting together on Sundays. I should no longer initiate dates but encourage h to be responsible for setting those up by saying "h, I feel as though I have been putting too much pressure on you by calling each week to initiate dates. I want to respect your feelings by not pressuring you but I do want you to know that the boys and I love to hang out with you and would be open to hanging out. So h if you would like to hang out please let me know by Friday, do not leave a message."

MC said that h needs to be taught that I want respect if he wants an r with me...so now he has the responsibility of deciding if being respectful to be with me is something he wants. By freeing h to initiate dates, setting them up, I give him the responsibility, frees me, and helps h see that he has to do something for the r otherwise it won't happen.

MC has said that my h is passive agressive in that he makes it so that if anything is going to happen it will be my doing. He has no responsibility.

What other boundaries can I do that would shift responsibility to h? Got any ideas? I bet you do , please share!

Cindy

Ok, yesterday evening had to use that "He May Be Teething" article posted by JJ!

My s had left a message for h which h did not return. I found h on the caller idea at 9:15pm though.

My mind was going crazy cause it was h's day off. I wanted so BAD to call and grill as to his whereabouts. I thought to my self...hey we are married isn't it my right to know where he is at any given moment? Didn't even think for a moment that he was doing anything innocent! Assumptions AWAY!!!

Well I didn't call! And boy am I glad I didn't.

He called last night and I didn't bring it up, didn't ask what he'd been doing. AND he volunteered the info all on his own! told me he was at his friends house helping him build planter boxes and a deck. (said he was extremely sore and tired) I told him that he was very helpful to do that for his friend.

!!!!

H asked us to come visit him Saturday night. Mentioned he was invited to 2 super bowl parties and was not sure which one HE should go to. No invite for me !!! In the past he would just ASSUME I was going to go and not ask.

So now I guess I need to call and get clarification of plans for Sunday?

I think to say to h: Hi. After our talk of weekend plans, I feel a little unsure as to what will be taking place on Sunday. I understand that you will be going to a superbowl party Sunday night. This is where I'm not clear...do you want the boys and I to go home Sunday evening? I'd like to confirm with you that this is what the understanding is so expectations can be clear. No problem for me either way to go with you or go alone...I have a sitter for the boys because at work today some co-workers invited me to a superbowl party. Can you let me know Saturday afternoon what you prefer to do so I can confirm my plans for Sunday night? I'll be expecting your call Saturday. Thanks!"

I want to go with h but don't want to pressure him. I need to know what he plans for Sunday evening so I'm not sitting there in his living room suddenly caught unawares by his 'get out, I'm leaving' statement! I want my message to be cool but I also want to indicate that either way I've GOT something to do!

PLEASE ADVISE!

Cindy

Question: Would trying to clarify Sunday plans constitue pressure on him?

I would probably plan on using the sitter and going to the party. Is this not a party you can take your boys too? But, leave the option open if your H suddenly invites you. Cover all your bases without involving him, and expect the worst-case, which is he goes to a party without you.

BTW, good job on the no-call. Assume the best, which is what it sounds like happened. So, what's the best case scenario about him not inviting you to a Sunday party?

FF

Well see that's the deal....should I just get up and leave Sunday afternoon...say I have plans? Or should I ask first to see if he wants us to leave? I don't want to piss him off by making plans over his unvoiced plans or getting my feelings hurt when he says he's leaving and I need to go.

I need to find out if we need to leave when he leaves. Wouldn't it be rude to just go when he may want us to go with him?

I HATE THIS CRAP!!! it's totally disrespectful to not SAY what you want....he throws me for a loop with this stuff he pulls.

ARRRGGHH!!! What should I do? Ask about leaving Sunday and NOT mention my party plans? I feel like I need to at least say I'm going out without him...or is that wrong?

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

Lets see where we can improve and make you more attractive to him:

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My mind was going crazy cause it was H's day off. I wanted so BAD to call and grill as to his whereabouts. I thought, hey we're married isn't it my right to know where he is at any given moment?

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Ok, theres the needy, worrying, wondering, obssesing Cindy again, which from a male point of view, is less than attractive, something I'd probably run to the hills to get away from. I know you're just thinking that and not saying that to him, but still, its not a winner's mentality. The confident Cindy doesn't worry, knows her H is a big boy and can take care of himself, trusts he uses his discretion when you're apart. You take care of you're wherabouts while you're seperated, he can take care of his. AKA, don't worry, be HAPPY.

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He called last night and I didn't bring it up, didn't ask what he's been doing. AND he volunteered the info all on his own.

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There you go, thats the WINNING Cindy in action, no pressuring, no expecting, and look what happens..

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Mentioned he was invited to two Super Bowl parties and wasn't sure which one HE should go to. No invite for me.

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Well, he did invite you and the boys over saturday night, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. The WINNING Cindy calls him and in an upbeat manner says.."Hey saturday night sounds great, let me know what time we should stop by. Wow you got invited to two parties?, I just got invited to one. Not sure what I'm going to do either, got a sitter lined up for the kids though just in case...Anyway, talk to you soon, gotta run.." Talk about putting respect back in the R, there you have it. You're not pressuring him to invite you, which your response would have done, even you think it won't..My response makes him wonder a little more what you're up to, rather than wonder how he can hit the party without you.. and probably will cause him to pry a little deeper into what you're doing sunday, because now you've made it clear that you're not really expecting to be with him and you appear to be just fine with it, you've got YOUR OWN PLANS.. He'll probably suggest you come with him..

You just have to know how to play the game Cindy, and it starts by being happy with whatever the way things are, then you see them start to inititiate and pursue you a little more, because they don't feel PRESSURED, they'
re more at ease..

Have fun.

Wiley,

Ok, my h and I have firmed up the Saturday night plans; I know what time to meet him. We talked about him being invited to 2 parties last night.

Today I realized I did not think about Sunday plans until AFTER we'd hung up. So how do I go back now and firm up plans for Sunday?



Or should I assume I was not invited, on Sunday plan to leave his apartment, and go to my own party? Is this too presumptious? And will I be shot down for ASSuming? What would you do if it was your w and you playing out this situation?


Cindy

Hi Cindy!

GREAT JOB on not making that call yesterday afternoon!! I know it must have been pretty tough not to do, but just look at what benefits it reaped for you! Keep the "teething" idea, and not making too many assumptions, in your "more of what works" column!

Re Super Bowl Sunday, let me put this spin on it. What if this were another friend of yours, and not your H, and you had confusion on what the plans were, what would you do? Do you think asking for clarification might be in line?

If so, how would you ask this friend?

Try not to "over DB" things. I think that this may be a case where some simple communication is called for. If I recall correctly, this is something where the two of you had some difficulties in the past, and this may be a good place to start to make that change.

So, how might you be able to ask him for clarification on whether this was an invite, or if he said this just for information or comments about what he had going on that day?

Honestly,

I wouldn't bring sunday up at all, let him call the shots. And be perfectly ok with whatever he decides, just have back-up plans in case sunday he says.."well, gotta go.."

You have to remember Cindy, the right thing for him to do would be to watch the Super Bowl together as a family IF he was really, really trying to send you a message. My guess is, he will choose to go to the parties by himself, I could be wrong, but thats where I'd put my money. So, it falls back on you in terms of how that sets with you. The winning Cindy accepts it for what it is now, and in the name of the R, you just bite the bullet on your plans until he makes HIS decision. Then you happily agree with whatever he decides, and file it away in the memory banks if its not to your liking. Again, this is an opportunity for you to see WHAT YOURE TRYING TO SAVE..Just let him call the shots and perhaps he'll surprise you, and you'll be better off for not trying to push for an answer.

Think of the big picture, not just sunday, becuase three weeks from now, what happens sunday is in the rear view mirror anyway.