Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

Thanks Accuray, fantastic post. Its funny you posted this when you did as I felt my mindset starting to change days before reading it, then your post helped me see it more clearly.

I will continue to just live and be myself.

There has certainly been times lately that I have forced my actions, thanks for pointing that out to me.

If you knew me in the real world I've never been one to try to be something I'm not. Most that know me well would say I'm transparently honest about myself.

I agree with everything you've said and it's exactly what I plan on doing.

Thanks again...

[MrBond]So what else have YOU been trying specifically?[/quote]

Great question, but I'm not sure what to say other than what I've already written.

I apologize for putting this back on you, but what would you be doing in my sitch?

On another note, I went through all your old threads. Your last one (when you changed name from "Stuck") ends but there no continuation. Am I not looking properly? I would love to know or read about whats happened since then.

Thanks Bond

Something I didn't give serious thought too until yesterday...

I was talking to my sister about some of my sitch. My sister knows my W well. My sisters thoughts (much like others that are close to W and I and know about our sitch) was that despite everything thats gone on, they're still surprised by W and I are going thru this. W just doesn't seem herself in the big picture.

Then my sister said "has she had her hormone levels checked"?

I have seen Sandi2 suggest this to various people.

This got me thinking.

The surgery I mentioned that W has to get done in the near future is to remove her ovary because there are multiple cysts on it. W had one cyst that we knew about for a long time, but when her recent tests came back last month there were 3.

This condition is caused from improper hormone levels.

I don't want to be reaching for answers for my W behaviour and thoughts but this is hard to ignore.

It is your W's to discover and deal with, or not. Is there any reason you think she might not be aware that her condition is caused by improper hormone levels? If she is, then there is nothing for you to do.

You just keep working on you, and if it makes you feel better to think there's an organic cause for her behavior, that's fine. But don't get hung up on trying to fix it, that's not yours to fix.

I think some of my sitch is caused by my H being depressed. Before the bomb, I told him I was alarmed by how he was acting, and concerned for him, and asked if he could get checked out for depression or some other health problem. That's as far as I can go to suggest or fix, the rest is all his to do or not do. He decided that his problem was me, and he left. It does make me feel a tiny bit better to think he's depressed, or at least it helps me feel more compassion for him in spite of the pain I felt and my kids feel by his checking out of our family.

However, much more important for me is that my sitch opened my eyes to big things I needed to address. I slacked off. I neglected my important relationships and didn't know about love languages. Defense mechanisms that served a purpose once had become bad habits that hurt my relationship. Issues from my past and in my personality needed to be addressed so I could be a happier healthier person. There's a lot more, I won't bore you. But since my H left, no matter why he left, I've looked at myself and becoming someone only a fool would leave. That's what I'd encourage you to do, rather than spending time thinking about your W's hormone levels.

Thanks Adinva,

I agree. I may find a way to bring it up as if its no big deal, then I will leave it up to her.


I was guilty of those same things. I, like you, am a better person today than I was at BD.


Me too

One of my oldest and best friends just told me he and his W just separated. I've known and been close with his W since grade school. They've been together since they were 16 years old. 4 kids. She had a EA and wants out. Showing signs of MLC.

I would say "I'm shocked" but who knows these days. He's been going through this for a year. Same length as me, and we both didn't know each was going through it.

He couldn't believe W and I we're going through this. "Out of all the couples I know you guys would be last I thought..." Man, I've heard that before. I thought the same thing about them.

I'm so sad for him and so discouraged at the same time. What is happening??

I don't know whether to tell my W or not. On one hand I don't want this to validate her, but on the other hand she compares us to other couples who "have it", and I've always said "everyone has problems, you don't know what goes on".

Thoughts?

Look at the ages on people's signatures on this board -- there is a distribution but the mean age seems to be 42 - 48 when the wheels come off the bus.

I have no doubt at all that hormones play a role, I believe my W has low testosterone, but that's not for us to address.

If being in a relationship with someone with hormonal imbalance doesn't work for you, you discuss it with her. Either she will deal with it or she will not and then you make your next decision

Don't tell her. She's always going to find something else to validate her point. It's an uphill battle.

Your two sides of whether to tell W about the other couple both involve what she's going to think: either feel validated or else to teach her that you were right about other people having problems. Both of these are looking at the wrong person in the equation. You can't control what she thinks and you shouldn't try. If these were good friends of hers as well as yours, and if she's on speaking terms with you, and you're sharing a conversation, then it makes sense to share the news. She'll feel what she feels, but it's a fact about some people she cares about, so withholding the information seems like the less good option. I wouldn't make a special call about it though. My two cents.

My other two: You have no idea what went on in the other relationship, even if the H told you his perception. The EA may have been preceded by years of the wife asking and begging for what she needed and having that fall on deaf ears. Or she got hormones at 40 and went nutso. You don't know, W doesn't know. In spite of the marked similarities between many of us DB'ers situations, it is an overgeneralization to suspect that the same thing is happening. Relationships are extremely complicated - the preferences and needs and communication abilities, emotional health, baggage from childhood, financial and child stresses, all combine in different ways.

So very true. For a long time in my sitch I was doing things specifically to lure my W back. It just led to frustration and impatience, because I wasn't seeing the results I wanted to see when I wanted to see them. I think it's kind of a normal thing for us to start out in DB'ing that way, but with time we start to understand why it's about us and not the spouse. We do our 180's, we GAL, we become the spouse only a fool would leave, and we keep doing all of that until it's permanent and it's no longer changes, it's just part of us. And then we live our lives. Maybe our spouse comes back and maybe they don't, but if we do this DB'ing thing right we get to the point where we truly know in our hearts we will be fine whether we live on with or without our spouse.



My W has been on A/D's for 10 years. There's a wealth of articles on the Internet about how people on A/D's can lose their love for their spouse and even their children.

My W is going through perimenopause. There's a wealth of articles on the Internet about how people in perimenopause can lose their love for their spouse and even their children.

My W has cancer. There's a wealth of articles on the Internet about how people with cancer can lose their love for their spouse and even their children.

^^^None of that helps me become who I need to be, or really even helps me understand my sitch any better (and believe me, I've read all that crap). I can control one thing- me. I can't control my W. I can't diagnose my W. I can't fix my W. She is on her own journey and I am on mine. Maybe our paths will join again, but there aren't any shortcuts from my path to her path.

This is from your other thread, I didn't get a chance to respond before it was locked:



I think RetroV is VERY effective if both parties are willing to work on the M, but personally I don't think it's effective with a WAS. I've heard others here say that as well. That said, the RetroV people feel that if they can just get both spouses in the door that that is 90% of the battle.



Part of the effectiveness of RetroV is that you go in not knowing what exactly is going to happen. They basically ask the participants not to describe the inner workings to others, and from what I've seen participants do honor that, and I try to as well. So I can give you some general info, but not specifics.



You absolutely do not have to talk to anyone else all weekend exceept at the beginning intros. You will not share your personal story with anyone. There are presenters who have been through hell and back in their own marriages and they will share their stories, and I promise that you will not be able to hold back the tears. It's very emotional for everyone involved. You will be given new tools for communication in a group setting, then you will go back to your room to use those tools to communicate. That's really about as detailed as I can get. There will be times where they ask people if they want to share anything with the group, but that is purely voluntary. You literally don't have to say one word to anyone but your W all weekend. That said, there are group meals and unless you're really introverted you will be talking to others, but not about your sitch. Just casual banter. I hope that all makes a little sense and helps a bit