Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separated, D filed, possible emotional affair

Mimi, thanks for your comments.


My current wife did not reveal the issues to me until we were married, or at least not in detail, and assured me that counseling and therapy had completely healed her heart and mind. However, in the first few months of our marriage, she would wake me up screaming from nightmares of her ex-husband, even though they've been separated/divorced for almost 4 years before we met.


I don't know how, but she has told herself this so much, she has taken it on as truth. By revealing it to her, with no nasty comments or snide remarks - just plain facts, that "lie" has been taken away. She literally told people I gave her zero money, and she was forced to use a credit card - when in reality, there were thousands of dollars in a joint checking account, and she spent thousands of dollars on a credit card I pay for. I did not taunt her about this. And since I carefully and calmly laid it out, she hasn't mentioned it again.


To generally answer all the money questions, she has admitted to a shopping addiction especially when things are rough. After she wracked up a ton of credit card debt, I had to put some boundaries in place to protect our family financially. They weren't severe at all - it was common sense things like a budget that we both agreed to, an agreement to call each other if a purchase was over a certain amount. I even told her to take a set amount out of her paycheck to just go blow on crap - hoping that a reasonable amount would satisfy the shopping urges.

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I actually printed out those rules a few days ago, and have started memorizing them. I'm finding out it takes a little practice to get them right!.

I did get a chance to actually use them; hoping I at least got close. W emailed me back about a misunderstanding that she blames me for, and I told her I was sorry she was upset, told her I understood how she might have taken it the wrong way, explained what was really said and my perspective in non-accusatory tones, but I was very firm about the truth of it and didn't back down from the truth.

I've done this on a number of occasions over the last week or so - really removing almost any emotion, or any discussion of R, and her usual pattern of responding with "well, I'm done, it's over" has almost completely ceased. Not taking that as a sign of change, but it's an improvement on communication.

S11 called W to see if D10 could come over and play minecraft. He left VM. She texted me later saying they were at the mall so they couldn't come, and she's sorry she missed the call.

I slipped and texted back to pick up me up a certain kind of coffee she knows I always get there, and she reminded me that we had agreed not to text, and she wasn't texting me, so not to text her either. Bleah - trying just to do a one-liner, but boy learned my lesson. Reading on the concept as the WAW as an alien - boy, does that fit.

Well, Rule #32 reminds me that's normal, and #35 reminds me communicate ONLY when urgent.

Holy crap JonF the similarities between your story and mine are crazy. My W wanted to leave me 2 months ago, then wanted back, then I found out about her ongoing EA, she tried to R and apologize, I imposed conditions for trusting her and now she says it is over for good.

Today she told me she filed papers and she has already moved out of our apartment. She raged at me for all kinds of things I didn't even do. My W has depression/anxiety issues and is on meds now. Would something like that be impacting your W at all?

Also, reading your sig line - my wife told me less than two weeks ago that she loved me and would never divorce me. Already she has completely left my life and is pushing me to sign the papers she had her lawyer prepare.

We don't have kids though so I wouldn't have any reason to talk to her after this is over.

For me the one change I've made is I've stopped arguing with her and I am trying to give her space and not call/text/email.

Had an interesting conversation today with a couple in my church. H left his W for another woman and was gone two years; they've now reconciled and been back together 5 years, and are so lovey it's almost gross!

W hung on, said they went to divorce court 5 times to finalize, and the court judge postponed it every time. The last time the court reporter's water broke in the courtroom! Anyway, she went contrary to some of the DB'ing rules. She kept her distance, and didn't bug, but did tell him she loved him and was praying for him when they saw each other.

I asked what made him come back; and he said he was miserable almost the whole time, guilty, but didn't want to give in and look stupid; but when he was back with his wife, it felt like "home".

Of course, every sitch is different, but it was encouraging to hear that not only did it work, but it took two full years. And even though two full years is a long time, they've been back together five, and have 50 more years to go.

That is a nice & encouraging story Jon. Hope you're having a good day today.

Somehow I feel a lot of WAS think this. I feel they don't want to give in and look stupid or come across as the one who gave in. How sad that is.

Weird day... I had emailed W last week reminding her of our agreement where she agreed to commit 100% and providing proof that I followed through with my side of the agreement was kept.

I had asked her in that email if she would reconsider, and she just didn't answer. I asked her if she had received my email, and she said yes, but wouldn't answer - either yes OR no. She finally sort of said she wasn't interested in reviewing it, but still wouldn't give me a yes or no - even after I said "Either a yes or no or I'm thinking is fine", so I asked if she would consider modifying it. A mutual friend said that she knows she's the one that messed it up originally. She wouldn't answer me on the modification either, so I just left it alone. It's obvious there is some confusion there so I'm not going to push it, and push her into an angry "NO!"

Then today, W's friend (who she is staying with) texted me and said W said I had a leaf blower and asked if I would mind helping her with the leaves in her yard. (Her husband doesn't do much around the house). W also texted me and said she had a couple of shirts her mom sent back from when she and I were out-of-state at her mom's place back in June. I went over and did the leaves, and our kids played, then came in and chatted a bit. It was great because I felt great - was laughing, joking. W talked to me some, then went off and sat in the corner and did Facebook on her phone. She would pop into my conversation with everyone else occasionally so she was obviously listening, but I think my happiness annoyed her. I stayed and chatted with the friend, and gave my four kids and her three Popsicles I brought over, and after about another 15 minutes, we left. Didn't want to over do it. Although, I have lost 14 pounds now, and was wearing a nice shirt that W got me, and I looked pretty good if I do say so myself!

I found out my D13 messaged W on Facebook, and W was very sweet, said she loved her, and missed her, and wanted her to come see her at her new apartment, and she was welcome anytime. D13 told me she asked her for us to get back together again - but W didn't respond. I don't want D13 involved in adult stuff, but I wonder if I should let her speak her feelings, as long as its respectful?


Reviewing my goals and accomplishments:
1. Going Dark - zero contact.
Aside from the visit mentioned above, I probably achieved 30% success on this, but that is going to continue to climb.

2. Renew my membership at the gym, and go at least 3 times a week for an hour.
This will happen next week, down 14 pounds!

3. I will get my garage cleaned and my mower working.
Mower is working, got garage 1/2 way

4. I will schedule at least two nights a week - one going out with friends, and one for me (reading, relaxing, whatever)
Scheduled a camping trip in two weeks with a bunch of guys, and invited some friends over for dinner. All my friends are married so it makes it awkward, but a couple is scheduled for next Friday!

5. I won't look at the phone bill again.
I looked at it twice, but I was looking at it 20 times a day, so I'm calling that a success. I'm not sure if W is embarrassed because of being exposed, but the number of calls and texts have dropped significantly - or maybe just laying low. I really don't care at this point - I am about being the "better option".

Great story! I was listening to a financial advice show the other day and a guy called in who was divorced for 2 years before they got back together. I have heard so many similar stories since my sitch started, and 2 years is the most common number I've heard in time that it takes for the WAS to come back. I wish there was more solid data on this so people could go into DB'ing with realistic expectations. I know I was expecting things to turn around in weeks and I think a lot of others expect that too. Many marriages never reconcile because after 2 years the LBS has walled themselves off to the WAS. It seems like 6 months to a year is about as long as most LBS's are willing to stand, but rarely does a WAS clear the fog that quickly. I think if LBS's were more patient that many more marriages would reconcile.

It was a great story - but you're also right in that it takes much more patience than most people have.

I think the older, more established you are, the easier it would be to wait for WAS to come around.

As for me, I'm 30, no kids.... 2 years can be a long wait for me at this period in my life. I could move on, find someone else and have the family and children I want before 35. Where as if I wait for H for come around in 2 years, I'll be 32, probably would need time to learn to trust that he wouldn't bail out before even considering having a child. May not ever have one at that rate. So yeah, it depends on age and where you are in life IMO.