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Found out she was with possible EA/OM at a get together for her on her bithday night. I lost it and told her how much it hurt to not be part of her birthday and asked if we could do marriage therapy. She said that she would talk to her IC @ the next appointment, what ever that means.

I need to work on 4Cs and detachment. Any advice other than keep reading?

So today was out 20th anniversary. She had asked me if I would go to dinner with her if I agreed to only focus on the good memories. I agreed and suggested we bring the kids the kids. I wrote a list of memories and shared them. I did ask for a hug, and she gave me a real nice one.

I made the mistake of mentioning a 180 I was thinking of and it upset her because I didn't do it when we were together even though she wanted me to, so I don't know if I should avoid it all together, or just wait a while.

Alright,
I went and saw the Psychiatrist today and will be starting some wellbutrin tomorrow. He said it should help me be a bit more decisive and should help me not be so "bleh" he also had me schedule with a therapist in his group. I'm feeling like I am making progress in GAL, but it also feels like I am moving towards letting go of my W. Maybe this is what the beginning of detachment feel like? It is somethng I know I need to do if I am going to stay sane and be healthy, which are both pretty high on my list of needs.

I did have some interaction with the W. She went to the doc too and is starting some new meds herself. We had talked about me hanging out with the boys while she met with a friend, but she kept changing plans and it was never concrete. When we talked, she said that the boys were going to their martial arts class if I would be willing to reschedule with them for Saturday or Sunday instead. I told her that was fine and that I would be stopping by the house and that I could always drive the boys to class.

When I got to the house, the boys told me that they were going to go to a later class, and I didn't want to linger around the house and be there when my W got home, and I didn't want to call her to ask when she would be home, because I had already seen her there Tuesday, then again yesterday for our anniversary dinner. We ended that night in a bit of a tiff when she told me that her therapist told her that since we are separated, we shouldn't be seeing each other so much.

She said it like I should have known, even though it was the first she had mentioned it. Well, back to tonight, apparently my youngest didn't go to class, so my W called me asking if I drove the other or not. I explained that they were going to a later class and I didn't want to beat the house in case she came home. She said I should have let her know I wan't going to drive them and I started arguing, but then caught myself and said that she was right, I should have communicated. After we hug up, i texed her telling her how bad I felt and that I messed up and I was sorry. I assured her that I would always let her know of any change in plans and she texted back that she was thankful and appreciated that and promised to give me the same respect if plans ever change on her end.

I texted back thanking her and telling her that I enjoy communicating with her clearly.

I went back to reread DR and I know I need to focus on my goal setting and to keep thinking small. I keep letting myself get too built up and then I feel the drop when things aren't what I hoped. I know detachment and goal setting will help me more than what I've been doing.

I just took and online personality test at
http://www.yourpersonality.net/cgi-bin/choose/getsurvey6.pl

and toward the end, it has you go over a couple dozen signs/ signals and asks you to rate if you think someone is judging you negatively or not. It was hard to go through, because I could see both my wife and myself doing each to each other. I can very much see why she decided it was over.

I know I am holding on to so much guilt and remorse. I know that GAL will help me move forward. I used to look forward to my weekends, but now I realize that I am dreading this one. I'm not feeling great, but my W did state that she loves me on the phone. It wasn't in a loving way, more like an "I DO love you but..."

I had sent her an email this morning talking about establishing the rules of separation. We really didn't set up any guidelines and I think if we had rules that she agrees to, it may help prevent her from thinking that boundaries are being ignored.

I told her what would be ideal for me as far as family/kid time. We'll see if she responds

Seems like I keep messing up.

She called last night and I got into talking about the book Hold Me Tight and explained the the book does a great job showing what went wrong, how neither of us were able to speak to each other in a way that truly expressed our feelings and caused us to get caught up in the argument instead.

She told me that she had been reading too and that she thinks she is in the mourning phase of our relationship. She went on to say that she has known me so long and that she knows my personality, and she doesn't think I can change. She feels like its all too little too late.

I asked her if she would consider returning to therapy with me. She couldn't commit, told me her phone was about to die and that she would call back, then hung up. she texted that she would call back. I texted her that the therapist I found will bill our insurance and quted the 80% success rate of the therapy. She ended up texting me after I went to sleep and it said to make an appointment.

I'm taking the boys out for the day tomorrow, so I'm just staying quite today.

I am so looking forward to spend the day with my boys today. Yesterday I was hung up on what the W would be doing, and who she would be doing it with while I had the boys, but I would rather have time with my boys than be away from them, and that's what I need to stay focused on. I'm going to just live in the moment today and enjoy it while it lasts.

I found a groupon for a stained glass into class and bought it! I've always enjoyed crafts but never developed a hobby from it. I decided yesterday that I am going to explore a few different crafty hobbies, maybe checkout wood carving, maybe painting? I'm totally open to suggestions.

OH! I've been thinking of dance classes too, that one really upset the W when she heard because I would never agree to do that with her. It made me double think if I should do it or not, which is now making me triple think, who am I doing this for?

So now, I am looking into where to take an intro to hip hop class and its my goal to figure it out and sign up within the week!

I think I may have lost all hope. W and I had a long talk where I explained how my distancing from her in our past R was a mixed up attempt to get her to show me she loved me, but her responses felt like attacks to me and made me withdraw more. I explained how this kept cycling over and over until I believe she lost the desire to maintain our bond and she let go. There were moments when it seemed like I was getting through and others that looked like I pushed her away. I know now that she does not want any reminder of past pain, and that she does not trust me to open up again and be hurt more. She had agreed to therapy with me, but I'm staring to wonder if it would just be a waste.

She also told me that she had made an appointment with a lawyer "a few weeks ago" but canceled. I asked her if she had ever googled the effects of divorce on children, and that was the conversation killer.

I really don't think I can live without her, and I know it will kill me to find out she is with someone else. I am feeling so lost and sad today. I didn't sleep most of the night, and today is a long day at work. I will do my best to stay positive, but I feel like there is little there. My boys are an inspiration to carry on, but they also connect me to her and I have a hard time not missing her when I am with my boys. It used to always be family time, and now it's me and the boys or her and the boys.