Well, I'm definitely getting stressed thinking of coming up with the retainer fee to pay the A. Actually I'm just getting stressed here period, thinking of dealing with all of this, and I like the idea better of just going away.
The one I have been told is really good is $1500.00. I don't have that to pay her, D put his on his credit card, I'm not sure if this one takes a credit card or not.
The one I talked to that I know I like does not take credit cards so if I go with her I have to have the money up front, but she isn't as expensive.
Anyway I don't think it is something you can do and forget. My understanding is once you put it in motion there are meetings and counter proposals and dividing the stuff in the house and deciding what to do with the house.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Yes, I know he is spending time with J. He doesn't try to hide it. He was there when I called early that morning. He was there when G was over and the poodles weren't barking like maniacs so they know him and he goes to our training club every week with her.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Ok, no decisions on starting counter divorce proceedings until I have been on the new dosage of my AD for longer than I have right now.
I know in a lot of ways I do feel it is over, but once I start counter proceedings I feel it is really over and right now I don't feel emotionally up to dealing with that situation. I know it is coming, but I am hoping to be just a bit more stable first.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
So I really just want to run away and I would have no idea where to go because wherever you go you have to live and I think right at this moment I am afraid to live.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: So I really just want to run away and I would have no idea where to go because wherever you go you have to live and I think right at this moment I am afraid to live.
OK. I think it's great that you got that out there.
Let me remind you gently that even though you are afraid to do it...you ARE actually doing it. Does that make sense? So...right now...every day...you are doing something that makes you afraid. In some ways...that is GOOD, hon. NOT that you're afraid (of course) but that you are doing it despite the fear. (I've always thought of you as one brave cookie!)
So...a fear of living sounds pretty all encompassing....and I suspect not totally accurate (hope that doesn't sound invalidating!).
Can you distill it down further? THIS is a beautiful place for a stream of consciousness journalling exercise...
What EXACTLY are you afraid of, Pam?
Living is too broad of an answer 'cause there's so many aspects of living...there's the physical stuff (breathing, heart beating, etc) but I suspect you're NOT afraid of those things...perhaps you're afraid of them STOPPING? (Which would be the opposite of being afraid of living, right?)
I'm not gonna put words in your mouth, kiddo.
Write down a list of everything that pops into your head that constitutes "living".
then let's figure out which of them are actually making you afraid.
I suspect the list will be smaller than you think...and will contain stuff you CAN do something about and stuff you can't.
{{{PAM}}}
Sage
PS TAKE the next step, pam and get out a piece of paper.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
OK. I think it's great that you got that out there.
Let me remind you gently that even though you are afraid to do it...you ARE actually doing it. Does that make sense? So...right now...every day...you are doing something that makes you afraid. In some ways...that is GOOD, hon. NOT that you're afraid (of course) but that you are doing it despite the fear. (I've always thought of you as one brave cookie!)
No idea why you would think I'm brave! I am probably the most afraid person you would ever meet!
So...a fear of living sounds pretty all encompassing....and I suspect not totally accurate (hope that doesn't sound invalidating!).
You are right it isn't accurate because what I'm doing right now doesn't scare me. Although I guess in the beginning it did some. No, you don't sound invalidating at all!!
Can you distill it down further? THIS is a beautiful place for a stream of consciousness journalling exercise...
You know I have still never tried this after all the times you have suggested the stream of consciousness.
What EXACTLY are you afraid of, Pam?
Of being alone, not that I am afraid living in the house by myself now, but I don't know all I need to know about taking care of a house if I had one.
But mostly of never having anyone to laugh with, to share with, to love again.
Financial insecurity is a big one. If my car goes down no way can I afford another one, and if I could just dealing with trying to find one and all that mess scares me.
Being able to afford to keep the kids health cared for, right now that is slipping some. I got B in for her bloodwork but no one else has been in for check up or shots or bloodwork in forever.
No health insurance
Even taking care of my car. Right now I know it has something wrong with it. It is making a noise and I'm afraid to take off in it on a trip. See I told you I am afraid of everything.
I am afraid of meeting people but I usually do fairly well with it. I think several of the regular Sunday morning clerks and people where I grocery shop recognize me now as I usually smile and speak.
No safety net of someone else working if something happens with this job.
Being lonely, sometimes I wish I had someone to do something with, not often, I am becoming a pretty good hermit.
I could probably keep going here.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
So keep going....get it all down on "paper" Pam...every last thing you can think of...you can cross them off later, refine them, whatever. Write it down. Don't argue with yourself as you're writing. Just write. Kind of like you're brainstorming with yourself.
There's a very good chance that I won't be able to post again today (meeting then school) but I'm thinking of you and can't WAIT 'til tomorrow to see what we can start knocking off that list!
I hope you're ready 'cause you're gonna get a bunch of babystep actions to take!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
See I told you I am afraid of everything. 
