I really think what I'm trying to do as I stablize a bit more here emotionally is to find a direction and make some decisions for my life.
I know I CAN'T let the D go to the wire court date again without doing something about it. That decision will have to be made on what to do in the next few weeks. I wish I could bury my head in the sand and pretend it isn't out there but it is and I probably really can't run away, so I'm going to have to deal with it.
I think I have been focusing much more on that lately than on doing any dbing feeling that D has made his decision as he is spending the time he is with J.
On the other hand a part of me doesn't want to give up too soon. But I can't really see any changes in D at all, so I don't think I am.
I just need to get some direction and clear thinking going here!
I do think if there wasn't a court date that I would handle things more patiently here, but I really am not looking forward to another court date.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think I have been focusing much more on that lately than on doing any dbing feeling that D has made his decision as he is spending the time he is with J.
On the other hand a part of me doesn't want to give up too soon. But I can't really see any changes in D at all, so I don't think I am
Hon, the point is to DB without waiting to see changes.
That's why we focus on the baby steps so much...and we've told you sooo many times that there are tons of great baby steps for you to focus on.
If he had made up his mind, he'd be gone...no contact whatsoever, no baby steps, nothing.
He clearly hasn't made up his mind that its over.
You can still DB.
And let me clarify...that from past posts...DBing for you means:
Pam doesn't initiate contact. Pam makes sure that any interaction that occurs between Pam and David leaves him feeling happy about that interaction. Pam acts as if she is happy, energetic and focuses on herself. Pam gets out of her comfort zone and spends one night a week with a friend. Pam takes baby steps towards finding a fulfilling job.
He has stopped contacting me, we only have contact now if I initiate something.
Except for our monthly hair appointments there is nothing there anymore, that is one of the reasons I feel he has made up his mind.
I know Zoo would probably saying I'm being stubborn and obtuse here, but this is apparently an area I do really struggle in. Do I not see reality? Do I always look at the negative so can't come up with an impartial view?
If he were a more decisivie person I would say that coming over for a visit was a baby step, but I'm not sure he didn't just come over out of a sense of guilt to repair some things and vist FB.
I don't want to be being difficult here, this is actually difficult for me to see clearly. I guess it is where I think emotionally rather than logically.
I don't think you missed any goals! As a matter of fact I think you might have added one!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I know Zoo would probably saying I'm being stubborn and obtuse here, but this is apparently an area I do really struggle in. Do I not see reality? Do I always look at the negative so can't come up with an impartial view?
I'm saying this with much love..but the answer is YES.
It doesn't matter why he's coming over. The fact that he is is a baby step.
And you can say he never initiates contact..but he set up another hair appointment...that counts!!
I suspect his timeline of initiating contact is just longer than yours...and instead of allowing him the choice to contact you...you jump in. So, he never needs to initiate contact.
It's that old seesaw analogy.
You keep shoving the seesaw up..so, he can just sit for the ride...he never has to make effort because you are doing it all.
Unfortunately, Pam gets drained and exhausted and talks about giving up...
Stop it!
Do whatever you need to do legally to protect yourself. Do it without contacting him in any way.
I'm sure your lawyer friend can do the counter-settlement or whatever it is without you having to talk to David.
Then Pam, you focus on the goals mentioned above and stop moving that seesaw.
I'm saying this with love and hope that you can see that I'm trying to help.
Do whatever you need to do legally to protect yourself. Do it without contacting him in any way.
So are you saying go ahead and hire an attorney and initiate a counter settlement proposal? I am not sure yet which attorney to go with either. I like the first one I met with but she is not a D specialist like David's is and I'm not sure how good she is at negotiating or going to court. I wish I had a lawyer friend. It just seems such a big step to go in and sign a contract or whatever to hire the A and pay the retainer fee. I guess it makes the D a lot more real and a lot closer than it seems before I take those steps.
I have also wondered how he would view my hiring an A and sending a counter proposal back to his A, I was afraid to him that would say I have totally given up.
I do see you are trying to help. And I wish I weren't so fuzzy.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I thought you had said that you had a lady lawyer friend.
In any case, yes, I know you don't want the divorce, but you had said that if you don't take action, the settlement will stay as it stands, and that you don't like the way it is.
So, that's what I'm talking about.
I have no familiarity with the legal aspect...but perhaps you could start with baby steps with this and just start interviewing lawyers?
If you already have a lawyer that you like, then a babystep would be to go talk to him/her and tell them your concerns about the settlement and whatever else.
After you get this down to your liking, you can be relieved of that stress...knowing that the legal aspect is taken care of..and now you only need to focus on your other goals!
I think maybe you are thinking of my friend the CPA.
Well I have already talked to two different attorney's and the one that has been recommened to me several times as a real go getter and D specialist is $200 just to go in and talk to her so I haven't done that yet.
So actually the first step is I need to decide what direction to go on an A.
You don't think David will see my hiring an A and starting to work on the counter proposal as a sign that I no longer want to work on the marriage?
That is one of the reasons I have been putting it off, plus not sure which A, and just hating to do it period.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You are right, I was probably thinking of the CPA.
As for David taking it as you giving up? It's possible, but I doubt it.
I suspect that he's quite clear on where you stand on not wanting this divorce.
But in reality the 2 are totally separate.
One is you protecting yourself legally.
One is the relationship you two have.
As long as that settlement is still 'on the books', I would think that you are DBing effectively if you protect/stand up for yourself. DBing badly would be to beg him to stop the settlement.
Make sense?
But honestly, so many times, it's been made clear that the legal stuff can be kept separate from the relationship.
My head feels less fuzzy! 
As a matter of fact I think you might have added one! 