WR, It's very early for you to try to make a decision about your situation. We have a phrase here that we use a lot "when in doubt, do nothing". You will know when you've had enough. For now, sit quietly and allow the answers to fall into your lap.
The only one that truly knows what the outcome will be in your situation is God. None of us can predict whether or not he'll return. Try not to "assume" anything when it comes to him. Assuming tends to lead to mind reading which leads to anxiety. Live your life to the fullest, "as if" he may not return. That's all you can do for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
WR, I would suggest that you keep your conversations w/family members to a minimum when it comes to your situation. The less they know, the better.
This is great advice. Wish I could do it but my dad lives with me and knows what is going on without being told. And of course he shares what he knows with my sisters.
They don't want to see you in pain. You need to remember that if and when you reconcile they may have a problem with your spouse because of what they know about what is going on now, and that could in turn cause new problems.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
WR, It's very early for you to try to make a decision about your situation. We have a phrase here that we use a lot "when in doubt, do nothing". You will know when you've had enough. For now, sit quietly and allow the answers to fall into your lap.
I can see how this is a very useful mantra to live by.....I would think that if I'm making knee jerk reactions because of my feeling of depression than I'm not much better than H
Originally Posted By: Not Quitting
Originally Posted By: snodderly
WR, I would suggest that you keep your conversations w/family members to a minimum when it comes to your situation. The less they know, the better.
This is great advice. Wish I could do it but my dad lives with me and knows what is going on without being told. And of course he shares what he knows with my sisters.
It is great advice NQ....it must be doubly hard having dad in the house with you. My family is very "involved", which has benefits and drawbacks, so I do understand.
They don't want to see you in pain. You need to remember that if and when you reconcile they may have a problem with your spouse because of what they know about what is going on now, and that could in turn cause new problems. the day he left was the day my sisters, especially, had problems....as we go forward and my family, and by family I mean FAMILY...aunts, uncles, and more cousins than you can imagine, are becoming angrier at his "stupidity" at leaving me. they wonder how he can leave a woman/wife/mother like me (their words)
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
I talked to my coach today.....she didn't have much more to offer me other than to keep doing what I'm doing and detaching. She said that I'm in a very difficult situation with a H very deeply depressed/MLC (so it would seem) considering his utter lack of concern for me or the boys.
She asked about his sole focus on the cash, I explained his entire family is awful with money and that his mom & dad have declared bankruptcy three times and that I've always had to control the money as he wants to spend it. She said that giving him the money would either make him calm down as I no longer "control" him or could send him further away....which I already knew were the two options.
She wondered about my response to H's text about S14 (not responding to his texts and I responded "I don't know H. Maybe you could try asking him" he may have taken as an attack. Also, she wanted to know why I didn't give H the new cell login and pw (when I called in to change it to get my bills) as he seemed to be angry about it. I did agree that this made him angry, she also thought it was strange that he would change the pw first, and really didn't have a good reason not to give it to him other than I was changing the acct over to my name and he didn't need it. I have started a new Netflix acct, had to cancel his acct to get my cc info off, so now I'm wondering if I should let him know. Any thoughts?
She kept repeating that I'm in a very difficult position with H as that he has no way of seeing how good life is unless he's on FB. He's not talking to anyone or even really the boys.
I feel even more confused and lost as to what to do.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
WR, I don't see a thing wrong w/anything you've done thus far. I certainly wouldn't give him any of my account information, whether it be NETFLIX or your phone. He's a big boy and he wanted to move out, so let him figure things out for himself. Yes, they do get upset/angry w/us when we begin to take back control. However, keep in mind, if you give him the account info and the pw, what's going to stop him from accessing the data and changing it again or ordering up NETFLIX movies and having them charged to you? Right now, you need to take care of yourself and your own accounts. Your h chose to leave home and live a separate life. You need to be careful w/what you share w/him because when they are in mlc, you can't trust them w/money or accounts.
As for him not seeing how good life is, well again, that's his problem. He can always schedule times to meet up w/your sons and I'm sure you would be more than happy to work w/him on scheduling.
Please do not feel guilty about anything you have done. Continue as you have been. He's not going to talk to anyone right now because he's in mlc and it takes time for him to start peeking out a bit. This is all typical of mlc. He's a free bird and doesn't want to be reminded of responsibility. Allow him to sit in the pot and stew a while. Trust me, he'll get over it and move on to something else before it's all said and done. You have to protect your assets and finances because he sure isn't capable of doing so. Stay the course.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
For standing or throwing in the towel I'm torn. It seems that throwing it in after 4 months is craziness, on my part, who would do that so quickly BUT on the other hand he seems so determined, so self absorbed and sick, on a war path that I don't know if he'll ever come back from.
Whiterose, I think 4 months is too short, but only you can tell what is right for yourself. Compared to how long you've been married, to let it unravel so quickly doesn't make sense. Use the time on yourself to be mentally and emotionally, and in your case, maybe also financially ready to move on, if it comes to that.
About telling family members, Initially I had told my family about what was going on, but I soon saw that it wasn't helpful. I tell my parents almost nothing. I do talk to one sister, but only in general terms. No details. If you patch things up with you H, you don't want the relationship between him and the family poisoned by what you said to them, so that is one reason not to tell family.
I didn't think I had either but maybe I didn't give it to get back at him.....I could see how'd that was something I did subconsciously.
Can you clarify what you mean by "move onto something else before its all said and done"? Do you mean something to be angry at me about? I'm continuing to go forward, as much as I can each day. Just finished my application to foster children and will bring it in to the ministry tomorrow.
SA you're right it sounds far too quick, especially, considering the amount of time we've been together. It just seems so much easier and this level if anger and disdain towards me, and to some extent the boys, is overwhelming which isn't healthy......but, what if he does snap out of it and tries to work on coming home and I've done things that don't make that possible? It's all so stressful. You're making huge choices that affect everyone and I don't have all the info......goes against my "planner" instincts.
I will start choosing my words carefully going forward for sure
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
WR, When it comes to the mlcer, you'll need to toss your planner instincts out the window. Why? Because they are emotionally all over the place and no one knows how they'll be from one second to the next. When you h spews at you, change the subject to something about the weather or some other trivial matter. That will cause him to stop and regroup.
What I meant by "move onto something else before it's all said and done" is that he may be miffed right now about the phone and NETFLIX, but he'll find something else to be angry about again and soon. He could be angry that the sun is shining or someone cut him off on the highway, it doesn't necessarily have to do w/you.
As for wondering the "what ifs" about doing things such as taking care of the phone and accounts, you have to take care of these things or you'll end up in the toilet when it comes to finances. They do not watch how they spend or charge things. They don't care if the bills aren't paid on time or the monthly payment is paid. If your name is on anything as "joint", you need to be concerned because this affects you and your boys when it comes to the phone, electric, water, insurance and mortgage. You do not want your name associated w/his if he's not paying his bills. This will ruing your credit very quickly.
If he wakes up, he will appreciate the fact that you took care of you and the boys the best way possible. No, the huge choices that you need to make only affect you and your sons. Your h doesn't give a fig about any of it. Sorry to be so blunt...but YOU must take care of you and your boys. Please don't rely on him to do the right thing because he won't. Expectations are at zero at all times. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
WR, What I meant by "move onto something else before it's all said and done" is that he may be miffed right now about the phone and NETFLIX, but he'll find something else to be angry about again and soon. He could be angry that the sun is shining or someone cut him off on the highway, it doesn't necessarily have to do w/you.
Ok....I thought you meant in his anger but I just wanted to make sure I understood correctly.
As for wondering the "what ifs" about doing things such as taking care of the phone and accounts, you have to take care of these things or you'll end up in the toilet when it comes to finances. They do not watch how they spend or charge things. They don't care if the bills aren't paid on time or the monthly payment is paid. If your name is on anything as "joint", you need to be concerned because this affects you and your boys when it comes to the phone, electric, water, insurance and mortgage. You do not want your name associated w/his if he's not paying his bills. This will ruing your credit very quickly.
All the household bills are in my name as I have always been the one to take care of them....the only one of major concern was the cell bill which is now under my name and well, netflix, was no big deal I just created my own acct. I am wondering about itunes though as it's his acct...I have one but all the purchases over the years were made with his acct The mortgage is in both our names and the one visa that I am a secondary on but he does not have the card for it-I kept both
If he wakes up, he will appreciate the fact that you took care of you and the boys the best way possible. I'm thinking BIG IF here
No, the huge choices that you need to make only affect you and your sons. Your h doesn't give a fig about any of it. Sorry to be so blunt...but YOU must take care of you and your boys. Please don't rely on him to do the right thing because he won't. Expectations are at zero at all times. Okay?
I meant in terms of going on with fighting for my marriage or not....that is the huge choice I am struggling with. I am actively working on ways to bring in more income to take over the mortgage, I've asked my parent's to co-sign for me (as I won't qualify on my own-they've said yes) All the household bills are in my name so I am taking care of them, as I always have, S14 goes to an "independent school" which only means we pay a portion of the cost to educate him, It's a catholic school, which H has always paid for both boys. I've got it with my lawyer that he needs to continue to pay this as it was how it was done while in our marriage and it is above and beyond child support. IF he were to stop paying I would go to the school and apply for a bursary to cover it.....he wouldn't have to change schools or anything. My vehicle is in my name. We have a joint bank acct but my money has never gone into it. His paycheques did but, as he in now having to transfer money in, I'm guessing his goes into his personal acct now. Part of me hopes his personal visa got wise and has cut him off but I think that would be too much to wish for
OH for the record, not offended by blunt....I prefer to know where people stand and especially that you come from a place of concern it does not bother me:)
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
WR, You can continue to stand and yet move forward w/your life. Leave the door ajar, just don't have any expectations. Unless you absolutely need a divorce to settle up finances, I wouldn't rush into it. Now, if he does file, there's not much you can do about it. People will advise you to drag your feet if that occurs...please keep in mind that if you drag your feet, it will cost you quite a bit of money to do so. Lawyers aren't cheap and each and every meeting, call, text, email, etc. costs money. Lawyers love to have mlcers come to them because it's actually good money because mlcers are off the charts and will come up w/all sorts of things to fire back at the opposing side.
Unless something changes, I would sit quietly and wait and see what he does. Now, if he starts screwing you and the boys over, then I would have to have a very serious discussion w/my lawyer about what would be required to ensure that you and your boys are taken care of.
I think it's best to allow things to settle for now. He needs to stew in his mlc pot for a while. He may very well contact you again and act like nothing has happened. You can never put your finger on them.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
