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You need to get a grip on your emotions so that you can ACT, not REACT!

Emotions will be your downfall if you dont control them. If you need anti depressants to help you then go and see your doctor.

Its time to start working on being the better option....the first step of that is acting like the better option. Which for men is showing strength and being fearless in the face of a tough situation.

What are your 180s?

No affairs in the past. Suprising I'm okay right now as I was expecting the worse. I am going to go home and act as if I don't know anything. When I am with my wife, I am going to be positive and act like I have my stuff together even though I don't. I need time to digest this and figure what my next course of action is. I spoke to a deacon friend of mine today and he was telling me that I should continue doing what I'm doing (follow the 37 rules), GAL, DB, etc and wait to see what happens on the next several months. This is going to be hard. DBing when there is not another OW or OM involved is nothing compared to having to deal with an affair (I've now been in both situations). I feel violated, raped and ashamed. I thought I was getting closing to reconiliation/piercing and now I know that I am far from it. I am still in denial I think. I know that if I confront her it will be over - so confrontation is a no go at this point. Maybe this is what I needed to find out in order to detach, get cold and hearten my hard while somehow trying to DB(what a paradox). I am more lost and confused...

When I started to go to school I did hardly any chores around the house, was absent from my daughter's events, etc. Now I do 100% of the laundary, most of the cleaning and have been very active in my daughter's life (taking her to dance class, helping her out with homework, and just doing fun things together). I use to be very tight with my money and now I am more loose - I took my family on two vacations the last month and a half without complaining about money. I've been very postiive and upbeat around her (other than this past weekend when I backslide). Apart from that, any other free time is spent studying.

This morning she told me that she felt like she was in a prison and that I don't give her her space. I don't know if this is in reaction to this past weekend or if she's felt that way for a while - so I am going to work on being more distanced. Not picking up the phone each time she calls, avoiding her when I come home and allowing her to initiate/come to me. Give her as much space as she needs without asking her what she is doing or acting like I miss her/want to spend time with her.

Most of the time my wife is out of the house when my daughter and I are home (unless its past 9 pm then she is normally home) - so its hard to GAL when my daughter is always with me but that's okay - showing my wife I am a great dad is one of my 180s and addresses a major concern she had of me.

This past weekend she told me she is frustrated that she is not losing weight - so I told her we can start working out in the morning - so I will start doing that this week. Yep, this is going to be a tough journey.

I'm not sure what the vets think of the laundry and chores, but in my non expert opinion, I think its beneficial for HER to be doing that. If it is usually her DUTY then it should still be her duty, just like maybe trash and lawncare is yours....

If you were leaving, would she start pushing the lawn mower around? If she did, would that make you rethink your position?

If anything, you are enabling her affair by doing all of her chores for her, giving her more time to engage this OM and to think about him etc...

No one ever won over the heart of their wife by doing housework!

Also, this may confuse you a little, but a DB coach would probably tell you NOT to distance IF distancing (neglect) was the cause of her moving away from you in the first place. It will look like "more of the same" to her, and will reinforce in her mind why she NEEDS to leave you. Be very careful with this.

If she has complained of emotional neglect, you should try to engage her emotionally, while detaching yourself emotionally. Confused yet? =)

What emotional needs do you think the OM is meeting for her? Can you work on meeting those needs while you can?

It is good that you have been showing that you can let loose and enjoy a vacation while spending money. She thinks you are not aware of the OM so this will come across as very genuine. Plus, when you official "find out" about the affair, you can then pull back on the spending of money on her and it will be a strong message that she will not be treated as your wife since she is not ACTING like your wife.

It is actually I think a good position to be in. I mean as good as it gets when you are faced with an affair. When the spouse doesn't know that you know, I think you can show genuine change and not look like you are competing.

Don't get carried away with obsessing over competing with the OM. From what I have read and learned, there is some comparison going on in your WAW head over which man is the better man, but its not probably as much as we LBS make it seem. There is A LOT of "Husband or not husband" going on in her mind most likely though.

Keep being an awesome father and the best husband you can be WITHOUT being a wuss. Show confidence and strength while around your wife. you do this by:

1) Practicing strong eye contact while she is talking to you.
2) Stop what you are doing and LISTEN carefully when she talks. Pick out any EMOTION she mentions and zero in on that emotion. Validate her for feeling that emotion. VALIDATE VALIDATE!
3) Speak in a soft voice and speak SLOWLY when you talk to her.
4) When you stand, try to have good posture. When you sit, sit back and spread out to cover a large area. That is how confident men sit. No fidgeting or awkward hand movements.
5) DO NOT argue with her about anything. She may try to start arguments to "show herself" that you ARE the unlovable person she NEEDS you to be in order to walk away feeling she "did the right thing". Don't fall into this trap! At the same time, dont bend of backwards and be weak. This is a balancing act.

Keep posting. We are all here to offer our support.

I agree.



I doubt learning they are having an A will automatically do all those things. From what I've read, the LBS has to work on detaching, and as for being cold, etc., you may be shocked to discover that you aren't for any long periods of time.

I think I remember reading somewhere back in time, that the 180 of doing chores (ironing, washing clothes/dishes, etc) means nothing to the spouse. To them it is an inconvenience, and you are getting in their way. Focus on helping with the drying, hanging up clothes with the spouse instead. Focus on the big issues, not so much the small issues.
Continue to be active in your daughter's life, stop worrying so much about the money (my big issue) and continue to be positive and upbeat. My two cents worth.

Thanks SM34 and Sandi for the commetting. Okay, so my wife use to complain about me not helping around the house and taking our daughter to our events. So know I am showing her that I can be responsible and help with the chores - so that is one change she has mentioned to me on several occassions that she notices. In the beginning she would ask me why I am helping when I never did before. She used that line on me many times in the beginning and some now too.

As far as distancing, that is tough. It was a complaint of her that I never put family first, that I neglected the family for school and work. So whenever there is an opportunity to go do a family event such as a BBQ at her brother's house, being invited to go swimming with them, etc I am sure to attend those events. When I am home and not spending time with my daughter - it's tough. Sometimes we will be outside watering the grass together and working on the garden together - I know she enjoys that. But when we are inside, it's tough because she gets annoyed if I am in the same room as her, if she is trying to text her friends on the phone, etc. So I try to give her space while somehow making it know that I am available to her. This morning she told me that she recognizes the changes in me but that she is not there. That she still does not trust me and can't even imagine being emotional with me. She told me that I am not giving her the space she needs. Apart of me senses that she is getting annoyed because she has to being sneaky in other to text or talk to OM. So I want to give her the space she wants while at the same time showing her that I am available if she needs me.

She has been slowing doing stuff like poking at me when she gets up in the morning and kidding around but this seems to be on her terms and not mine as she is not always in the mood or gives the impression she wants to be left alone. This past weekend I got her some pajamas as a gift and wrote he a note telling her that I enjoy pampering and taking care of her. She told me she really appreciated that and misses the cards I use to write her. This past month she has been in a lot of back pain so she would wake me up in the middle of the night (like 1 am ) to go by aspern, a heatpack, etc. Several times the last month I had to leave work early so that I can take care of her because she was in so much pain - so know she was really appreciative of that but absent of such events I find it hard to show her that I want to be there for her without invading her space or pursuing.

Thanks hotwheelsaust for the advice. When I went on a mens treat - she kept asking me who was going to do the chores around the house since I was going to be gone for several days. As far as focusing on the big issues, being available and there for the family was the biggest. So now I go to all my daughters events, any family gatherings and offer to do things as a family and if my wife says no - then I just take my daughter. I agree on trying to stay positive and upbeat. I made these changes so fast (literally in about 3 three weeks instead of gradually) that she thought I was being fake for the first month and a half but now sees that the changes might be real. I must continue to be positive and consistent without being needy (my big problem)

I understand fully how quickly these changes can happen. I literally changed overnight when I realised how serious this was. Your W probably will keep complaining about what you do, even if it is a 180. I think they continue to want you to stay the same, that way it makes it easier on them to be in the right about the sep. When they now complain, you know they are seeing and acknowledging what you are doing. And if those things are the right things, then continue.

This morning we were talking about one of the parents at our daughters that has a maid. She joking said that the husband is probably sleeping with her. I responded back by jokingly saying that maybe we should get a maid then. She then said that's okay as look as you comfort me and take care of me. I asked her what she meant by comfort and she said you know, go on dates, etc. I responded by telling her "who said I wanted to go on a date with you" She replied by saying "that's okay - I can get a date somewhere else" grrrrh. I probably should not have said that but I was trying to play around and give the impression that I was not needy. I later text her wishing her a good day and telling her that if she hasn't noticed, I am still hot over heels for her (I know - pursuing - I should not have said that but luckily I think she just ignored it). This is getting harder since I know there is an OM. Grrhh.....