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Detachment is definitely a process. Or maybe even more so, a "heading", a far and distant island you can set your compass and sails for. But then the wind might not blow hard enough, or the current can take you off course and you have to reset. But there's no quick way there, and I don't think you know when you are "arriving", just when you've actually "arrived". Something will happen and you realize it doesn't bother you. Your boat has grounded on detachment.

Honestly I am not as violent as I seem

Nor am I as crazy as I seem, lol. What's the lyric? This is not how I am...

You do sound like you are getting stronger though. I am so glad for that.

Take care.

heyhi portia & gang-

(uh hem- me, falling down 73- getting up 74 today)

reading around this a.m. (break from hospital- nazisister visiting this a.m.- yay & yay)

portia- you are soooo echoing my thoughts in yourpost and comments- so i'm adding my big fat "YEAH - so true) TO YOUR advice/comments.



rite? i felt too like it was pressure to become something i was not - yet- but feltlike i had to somehow figure how to do it really quickly.

i'm waaaay better- by no means "there".



me too = also- feels mighty good to say exotic and rotten stuff. i'm always wanting to say i'd like to back over h - or something rotten about my mothr that drives me crazy - really really crazy. i'm such a do-gooder, pollyanna alllll the time.( I make myself sick) i don't even know why i can't bring myself (almost) to "fight" when someone is in my face attacking. feels wrong. tho, i'm working on overriding the "rise above it" voice and at least speaking calmly and saying my "peice" a bit. i see no value in martrying myself- need to stand up a bit more i guess inlife- at least i won't be soooo frustrated (which i am with all this stfu stuff)

i'm never "going for the throat tho"- that's soooo my mother and sister and i hate it- will never ever allow self to be like that. (or dismissive) people know - absolutely i believe it- people (alllll people- even kids) know inside when they're being viewed as a mosquito bothering someone- it is not a very nice feeling to have- i'd hate to ever send it out there.

(fingers crossed i don't) (what with not being perfect and all) (oh mannnn....)



me too- i am restless- anxious for something good to come along- idk what exactly- something... that shakes me loose and pops me out of this life i'm having at the moment. it could be a ton worse- but it's not "happy" at moment- and i'm not my usual "perky " (gag gag) self- fingers crossed huh?



amen- you're soooooo speaking MY MIND this morning...

xxoo good luck everyone and hope your day is a good one.

Portia  "I do believe that great things are in store for us. That has been my constant this whole past year. Blind faith that no matter what I would be fine. OK I confess I hadn't realistically estimated the time line but no storm can last forever."

This is how I feel too Portia. Honest faith, a bit wavery at times, but always returning, that in the end we will be alright. That for some reason God thought we needed to learn to be strong and self reliant and faithful to ourselves, and how to stay optimistic and compassionate, in the face of the most painful betrayal. Sort of battered and banged up, with casts and crutches and bandages stuck all over us and with broken hearts, but our broken bones and smooshed hearts will knit back together stronger than the original. 

Better not bitter. 

I'm sorry you are feeling a bit restless Portia, wishing you were traveling instead of trying to detach. Where do you usually go this time of year? You need an adventure! You too Nero. Traveling might be an excellent cure for a broken heart; I dunno, it might make it all seem worse. I'll let you know.

Hello All!

MizJ, you don't seem crazy at all but since I am one bushel short of a load these days, I not sure how reassuring that is. At least we are in good company!! That lyric will be my next thread title, I think.

That is a great analogy for detachment. Being on a boat that can bring you into an unexpected port at any time.

Does anyone else have some weird triggers? For the most part, the tears have stopped flowing. But the other night (I would note that I actually had a good day!), I was watching National Geographic Channel (yes, I am a geek, get over it) and they were showing a documentary on this pride of lions. Well one of the best huntresses got hurt in the hunt. An antelope horn pierced her leg and she lost her eye as well. After the hunt all the lady lions were bathing each other and cuddling as they apparently do, she was shunned because she was hurt. The lioness who needed comfort the most was rejected now that she was considered no more use to her pride.

I bawled so hard, I had to turn off the program. IDK. I have always had more than a soft spot for animals but seriously...

The things I tell you folks!

Nero, I hear you. I sometimes think of all kinds of exotic revenge. But if it ever came time to pull it off, I am just not that kind of person. I really could not live with myself had I done to him what he did to me. Not the wanting something different but the cruelty and abandonment. How does a person literally walk over someone's sobbing body without a backward glance? I could not have done that to a stranger.

Linda, my favourite continent to travel is Africa - best wildlife viewing in the world. I agree that all of us had some lessons to learn. Your were to be stronger and more self-sufficient. Those two things have never been a problem for me. For example, I would often go on my trips alone and meet friends along the way. But I did need to learn to be more of a partner; that in some ways I did need to learn to compromise.

But I have learn some not so positive things, too. I have never been an overly trusting person, I am private and for the most part, prefer to keep my business to myself. Being so rejected and feeling quite alone were also lessons and experiences that I have yet to feel grateful for, although when someone sings of a broken heart, I now know exactly what that feels like for real.

I don't know about trusting the universe, God, Karma or natural justice or however people want to label their beliefs. But I do trust ME. Even if my healing pace is glacial.

Bea, I did read that book. She was spot on with some of her analysis, although I don't know I found the exercises all that helpful. In fact, it was the first book I ordered. Thank you for the recommendation.

I agree with you about the exercises!! But found the book helpful - the best one for me though was 'The Search for the Real Self, which has continued to help me become myself again, and also to recognise how broken my xh is.

Portia, we do seem to have the same story, in how we handle the sitch and how our spouses behave. I was just thinking the same the other day, how somebody you spent these many years with can just coldheartedly quit the M. I remember that my H told me before that when he decided to quit smoking years ago, he did it cold turkey. Then it occurred to me that this is how he tries to do a lot of things in life, and this is how he decided to end our M. I was also thinking that he might be delusional in this sense, because quitting the M and quitting smoking are completely different things. Your SO might be thinking something similar.

I also understand what you say about the triggers. I feel strong most of the time, but there are moments of weakness, and I cry and feel sorry for myself. And sometimes I don’t even understand what triggers this.

I do trust the universe though. Recently I’ve heard an interesting perspective that when you forgive somebody, you let universe to take care of rebalancing the good and bad. I also believe in the saying “what goes around comes around”. I’ve experienced it myself in my life.

Hang in there, Portia. I can only get better for us from here.

Sorry Portia for blabbering on so, I tend to get maudlin and weepy on no sleep

I would have cried about that poor injured lion too. Lots of things trigger me too, movies about infidelity, sad songs. Love songs. I'm getting ready for work listening to H play the piano downstairs, Billy Joel "She's Got a Way About Her" and feeling melancholy. H used to play it for me, does he think of HER when he plays it now? I look at couples who look so loving together out and about, and feel envious and at the same time wonder if they are cheating on each other. Reading the heartache on this forum makes me cry.  I burst into tears the other day when a man who looked like my H 40 years ago drove past. Not too detached I'm afraid. I'm doing okay with uR's cherish your SO enough to let him go but the detaching is still beyond me.

oh geeez - portia and linda -

portia:

you're makin me laugh - i was saying a day or so ago to someone here that my family was like animal pack- they smell the injured and weak and when someone in the pack is less than tip top (me last couple years- stunned- "weakened") they either want to eat you or get you out of the pack to leave for the jackals to finish off- anyhthing to not impede the pack progress"

no kidding- it's my mother & family i guess- do not show fear- you'll get "eaten alive"

anyway- and linda- the bit about other couples. me too- i could cry sometimes when i see just old regular people- all shapes and sizes- holding hands- caring- an makes me think what the hck do they have that i don't??? the women- im as good or bad as them all things being considered- self pity- wah wah wah- i'm jealous and i don't care how icky it makes me-

also this forum- i cannot read most of it- the beginnings - the pain- i could never ever re-read my own- i don't want to remember one tiny bit of that feeling (well, anything i'm not allowing into my feelngs now-a-days- i do not want to go re-notice.)

yeah- idk about total detachment either. oh well- "trusting the process???!!! " or trying anyway\

xxo

Does anyone else have some weird triggers?

This past Christmas my S17 gave me a car decal of a stick figure family. Mom, Dad, 3 sons, 1 daughter all lined up in a row. Smiling.

I now fully understand the term "burst into tears". I mean seriously, from 0 to 100 in half a second. Poor kid. Idk what he thought.

Now it can be odd things. A stupid plastic cup we got at a family trip to an amusement park. Old couples. Young couples with children. Soccer balls. Songs - even not "love songs." Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke because it talks about a "good girl", something my H turned into an insult against me.

(yes, I am a geek, get over it)

I knew there was something I liked about you lol! I for one can spend half a day "looking something up".

I don't think too much about hurting H. I hope he "gets" hurt but I don't care if its by me or OW. Nope, my evil fantasies involve OW. I am very glad she lives so far away. Right after BD? Idk WHAT I might have been capable of. And thats scary to me!

I am private and for the most part, prefer to keep my business to myself.

Ditto. This forum is a huge exception - I presume because its faceless? And entirely under my control - as in if I don't feel like "chatting" then I don't have to. Everything should have an "escape" key, dontcha think?

This area is probably one that I could 180 a bit on (maybe say like 110? Lol. 180 would probably put me on Jerry Springer.) But I have wondered if being such a clam has had unintended consequences which have contributed to the current sitch. It is one of the things H doesn't like about me. I thought I was just fine with it but now wonder if it doesn't serve me well.

Take care



Jaye

I hope everyone is enjoying a long weekend!

Bea - I appreciate the recommendation. I will look at that book. There is something comforting about a book sometimes and that is what I found with Anderson's book as there was an example used in her book of a woman in a long distance relationship who was devastated when it ended. That single example made me validated. Even at the very beginning I had many people tell me that at least I did not live with him for the past little while and that should make things easier. Which only made me feel more nuts.

Linda, we all have bad days and bad weeks. No need to ever apologize. We are hear to support you as best we can, no judgments.

As Jaye pointed out, some of us here are actually very private people. For me, the reason I have felt at home here is not necessarily because it is anonymous but because here is a place where I felt safe. People in real life tend to slap a label on you and expect you to act in certain ways. In my real life, I am expected to be strong and not expected to need to be taken care of myself. It isn't that people are unkind and uncaring. I just do not tend to be the squeaky wheel. This is a safe environment that gently guides you and helps pick you up when you need it. There are lots of other forums etc. that we could have chosen to go to. Here is where I fit in the best - I do not want to save my relationship at all costs but recognize that letting go is a process. I hope you feel as safe here as we do.

And MizJ, I am so very glad you found yourself here. You were one of my first "friends" here and I have valued your opinions and friendship since. Especially one who likes me - geek and all. I like to think that it is us geeks who lead the most interesting lives

Nero, you are too funny! Aren't family dynamics fantastic? Really amusing, if you let yourself look at it that way. Now there is something we need an escape hatch for!

So, I will open a new thread since it looks like I am over and made sure I catch up with everyone, too.