Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still about the W

Since your D is feeling neglected you need to address that. Do it without W if necessary.

But... W agreed to eat together as a family, which is a good sign. Work with this and build on it.



Don't do anything with the idea that it will change W's behavior. (even though it may) Do it because it's best for your kids and your M. Definitely don't tell W that you (or your sister!) think that you and W have neglected your girls. This will offend her and cause her to get defensive.

Instead, continue to take action to correct the situation with D(s), and inform W of what you are doing. Lead by example and invite her to join in.

See? No pressure.

FY, I agree with your approach. I cannot badger or coerce my W into paying more attention to our D(s). Just the idea that I would have to makes me sad. I did mention to my W yesterday in a casual way that D-12 seems sad and if the W could try to speak to her.

I have actually been taking what I learned from the book Five Love Languages (5LL) and applying it to my D(s). I make an effort to touch them, hug them, and so forth. Compliment them, and the other 5LL too.

Hi SailingAlone, nice to meet you! I read your posts on T^2's thread, and wanted to let you know that I think you're doing great. DB is SO counter-intuitive, the hardest (and most important) thing most of us will ever attempt.

About your W deciding to quit her job, attend school and move 4 hours away, yikes. Hopefully that is just crazy MLC talk. My H has had a lot of pie-in-the-sky ideas, that he seems to forget about immediately. I post about them on my thread in a panic, the vets tell me not to worry, and he goes on to the next crazy thing in a day or two.

I also think it's great that you got yourself DB coaching. Isn't it so helpful? I have Chuck, and he has helped me enormously. I agree with Forever that it's best for you to ignore your W's EA with that man at the gym. Chuck told me that "this is divorce busting not affair busting" and the best thing to do is to ignore the affair as best we can. He advised (and all of the vets here say the same thing) to give our spouses space and do not approach them, but be approachable and loving when they choose to approach us first (like the reaching to hold her hand thing vs. her cuddling up to you in bed). Also to really really GAL, which you seem to be doing. It's great that you are trying to show the 5 LL to your daughters, but maybe you could involve them in some of your GAL activities? Take them flying? Try to find something fun to do with them on the nights your W goes to the gym? I hate to see five casualties of your W's MLC, instead of just the two of you.

Keep up the great work

Hi Linda,

Thanks for checking in. This site and the people on it helps me so much. I've read through your sitch too, but haven't commented on it yet.



Funny about your H and his plans. I think my W will submit the application, but the program is such that she has a 1 in 10 chance of actually being accepted. So in my mind I can wait to cross this bridge if she is actually accepted.

Yes, my 3 girls have been on my mind alot lately, and I do try to involve them in different activities. I wish my W would too.

On Tuesday, my W took my 3 girls to the rock climbing gym with her. I thought this was great. Actually, I later found out that she was trying to make plans with somebody else that fell through, meaning that taking the girls was not her first choice -- but whatever, she did it and they don't know they were second choice.

Wednesday is sailboat race evening when I join 3 other buddies on the boat. This is one of the few times during the week when I completely forget about my W and relationship and enjoy myself. During the day, my W texted me if my friends and I were going out afterwards because she would join us with her GF. After about an hour, I texted back OK.

I went home a little early to spend time with my girls, I had them practice piano and I sat there to listen and offer encouragement and praise.

We did terrible in the race, but we enjoy ourselves anyway. We then went to the yacht club for drinks. My W and her GF showed up about 45 minutes later. They joined my buddies outside on the patio, while I was inside talking with some other people. I thought this was good, it showed her that I was occupied. All my sailing buddies are younger than me, 28, 30, and 35 years each. My W likes flirting with them. I joined them on the patio, got drinks for my W and GF. We talked as a group for awhile and then went to dinner at a pub. My W sat next to her GF on the other side of the table from me. An ulterior motive is to hook up her GF with somebody.

Overall, it was a good night, although I think I drank a little too much. My sister suggested to me once that my W is like this now because she is living the life she skipped over since we were married so young (when W was 20). IDK. But my W is into partying now, and she's been going out with or without me about 3-5 nights per week lately.

I take it as a positive that she wanted to be with me and my friends.

This weekend was eventful as ever. On Friday I took my W to rock climbing and then we went for dinner and a bar afterwards. We had a nice conversation. She talked a little bit about her applications to return to school. At the bar, my W drank alot, but she claimed to not be drunk, and she didn't seem to be to me. It was around 11pm, and she wanted to go somewhere else too. As we we're leaving I was in front and I get to the front of the bar and she is not there. She is back by the bar on her cell phone texting her GF (I assume, it's what she said). Then walking over to another bar, but one that has music, I reach for her hand to guide her through a crowd, and she pulled away from me.

It really pissed me off. Also, in June, it was my W who reached out and held my hand when we were alone in town walking together.

Anyway, I left her on the street, went and got the car and came and picked her up to leave. We left, and my W was all sad and maybe mad at me. At home, sitting in the car, she says the ironic thing is that I never really wanted to touch in public, hold hands, etc. This is true, and was one of her complaints. I said to her, "well, can't I change too?" This made her sad, and she didn't want to cry so she walked inside. We made up a little bit.


On Saturday, my W left to go to the gym in the morning. I made my girls waffles with a new waffle iron we bought as a "kitchen present" for my W. We gave it to her the day before to celebrate our remodeled kitchen. My W took it, said wow how great. What I find interesting is my W rarely says "thank you" anymore.

My MIL who is with us asked "where's W?" because she had a dentist appointment. I took my MIL to the dentist. My W also had an appointment. The dental office called my W who rushed over to the dentist and arrived sweaty in her gym clothes. Later that day, my W thanked me, and lately she rarely says "thanks" to anything.

In the afternoon, my W cooked for a pot lock dinner we were going to with some of her co-workers to celebrate that the hospital now has PA (which is what my W wants to return to school for). It was a nice informal dinner party. I notice at these parties, my W and I do not spend much time together -- in fact almost none. She went her own way, and I went my own way. I enjoyed myself.

At home on Saturday nite, my W went to bed early. I put the girls to sleep alone.

On Sunday, we ate breakfast and my W practiced piano. Then MIL asked her to put curtains on the guest bedroom windows. My W took the lead, and I helped her. At noon I left to go sailing in a regatta. I had a great day of sailing.

My W took my girls to a Japanese festival, and then my W went flying. I encouraged her to take my oldest daughter who expressed interest, but it seems my D didn't want to go. I'm not sure if my D is unhappy with W and "punishing her" or what? I'm also not sure how to change the dynamic between them.

At night, we both went to bed early.

you wrote: "Then walking over to another bar, but one that has music, I reach for her hand to guide her through a crowd, and she pulled away from me.

It really pissed me off. Also, in June, it was my W who reached out and held my hand when we were alone in town walking together."

I think that the difference here is that in June, she reached for your hand. And that we are supposed to give them space and not pursue, but are to be approachable when approached first. Yes, I know it svcks and is so hurtful, but from what my coach and the vets here have advised me to do. It's hard because I am the sort of woman who needs to be hugged a couple of times a day, and my H used to oblige me, but won't touch me now. And sometimes flinches away if I touch him. And I don't think you can change the dynamic between your W and daughter either. But it sounds as if you had a nice weekend overall!

Sailing

Welcome to the MLC board, I am a little late saying that, but hopefully you have already found my welcome post here and done all the homework.

If not let me know and I can post it here for you.

I just posted it for vows4ever.

Anyways I dont post as much here as I am pretty busy but keep learning and working on YOU and then you will be fine.

Linda, thanks for posting on my thread.

Yes, I think you're correct. I've thought about this, and said to myself that I need to be more careful when drinking. In this case, it was like a slap in the face because the night was going so well.

Sorry to hear about you and you H with respect to touching. The hardest thing is when you are giving them space, trying to meet their needs and there is absolutely no reciprocation or they are doing the exact opposite of meeting your needs.

Cadet, yes I've seen it on other threads and have read most of it. Thanks.