Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

After searching 2 weeks, I almost had a break down after calling several apartments and none of them offering a 6 month lease, or if they did they didn't take dogs, or the ones that did do both were $300 over my budget. Right before I gave up, I called one more yesterday and they do a 7 month lease, they take dogs and are comfortably in my budget!

So now I am just waiting to find out if all of my info checks out w/ them and I should have a place live. In 7 days I will be back on my own. Not living w/ my parents, feeling like I'm a teenager again lol

The FT job I will be working is night time and I will be allowed to sleep for most of the time. So I'm going to start looking for a part-time day job. I will use the next 6 months to save as much money as possible. By the end of the year I hope to have a plan in place for what I want to do long term career-wise, and the money to go where ever I want, so it will be interesting to see where I end up.

I also signed up on the Meetup website and joined a few groups. One is for women in their 30's going through divorce and the others are for women in general who are new to the area I'm moving to. So I look forwards to attending some of the outings and making new friends in the new state I will be living in. (I also have some old co-workers there since H and I lived near where I am moving back to, so I do know a few people already)

Today has been a very emotional day concerning H (for some reason the last week as seemed to be the most tough I've had thus far, my mind & heart has been non-stop H), but I hope to turn the rest of the day around. Focus on the positives I have to look forward to.

The apartment manager called me back and said that my weekly gross income isn't to their standard... they said even with a co-signer they would say no.

They asked me if I have any other income........... I told her I am married, we live in different states, but I have access to his income. They said they would need copies of his information and put him on the lease.

I have great credit, I will be making enough to pay the rent. Whyyyyy?


Questions:
* Should I keep searching for a another apartment (and possibly hit this same wall again; also I called a realtor yesterday and he told me it will be very hard to find a 6 month lease, but he would send me an email if something came up, haven't heard from him)?

* Or do I ask H if he'd be comfortable with putting his name on the application?


I could scream right now, this [censored]

Any suggestions?

Mimi,

Thank you for the kind words you left on my thread.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It will undoubtedly be one (if not THE) hardest thing you will ever go through. Use this time to better yourself, to improve and become a better Mimi. You are still very young and there are sooo many years of happiness ahead of you, regardless if your marriage survives or not. I know this!

I agree about the thoughts you were pondering regarding divorce. So many relationships end up failing, often after years and years of success. Almost every marriage starts out great, or at least most do. Couples become connected, they move forward with their relationships, get married, maybe have kids and then KABOOM. It make you realize that couples are often not properly equipped to resolve their issues together. It isn't usually the fact that we picked the wrong person. Most of us are just ill equipped to handle the really difficult times and come out on top again. We struggle. We drown, and we give up. I think you made a lot of very very good points in your observation. Now, if we could only get our spouses on board with that line of thinking....lol

I hate to tell you this, but this week will probably not be your hardest. I am closing in on 9 months of separation, and I have struggled with my detachment throughout. Some days are getting easier, while some are the hardest yet. please take care of yourself. I cannot express how important that GAL is. Do it. Do it now. It will be the key to your survival, regardless of how your marriage ends up. If you do it right, it may even end up saving it!

Stay strong, Mimi.

Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words as well, I do hope you're right


Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! *wall slides*

lol I'm joking.

But seriously, I am so drained today. Yesterday was super frustrating getting rejected by the apartment. I got over it, but then my parents tried to "fix" things, that took a negative turn and that went south b/c of the questions they asked me.

I don't know how I'd handle feeling worst than I do now.

My heart dropped into my stomach simply thinking of having to call H to help with this. I don't know why, maybe fear of him saying no? I overcame the fear and called, but he didn't answer, I left a message asking him to give me a call we he could,that I have a favor to ask of him. No response yet.

My father insists on calling and talking the apartment people into changing their minds, though they've already told me that even w/ a co-signer they'd say no.
So we'll see if that works (I hate that he's calling for me).

It's funny, b/c when H and I got our first 2 apartments, it was my credit and apartment history that got us approved.
Now, I need him, now that he's no longer around.

I called a few other places today with no luck...

What questions did they ask you?

Neither did any one of us, but we all can. You WILL look back on this some day and realize how strong you really are. The key is managing yourself and controlling the hurt. That is why your focus needs to be 100% on Mimi, right now. GAL is CRUCIAL. Staying healthy is very important. You do need to feel your emotions, but not give them total power over you. You will learn how to do that as time goes on. I learn new tricks every day. One of my most powerful ones is; I remind myself when I am down, "this is just an emotion I am feeling right now. It will pass and I will be better". Usually just reminding myself of that makes my feelings settle down much much faster. I think my biggest tool is to not fixate. If you find yourself with total focus on something negative, FORCE yourself to change your attention to something happier. It is easier said than done, but it helps.

Take this as my personal opinion, not a road map for you, just a perspective that I have. First, I would not wish to take "favors" from your WAS. That will give him power over you and make you appear weaker to him. It will also set you up for financial and emotional pain. You are feeling the first signs of that already, by him not even returning your call. Take the reigns yourself, and show him what a strong, independent, beautiful woman can do on her own. Trust me, when he sees you looking better, feeling better and getting on with your life, He will question his decisions. Remember, become the spouse that only a fool would leave. Happy, healthy, attractive, fun and independent; who would want to leave a Mimi like that?

Now, I also want to say that I wouldn't just allow him to walk away and leave you stranded. But while you are working on saving the marriage, I would do my best not to add in a bunch of heavy stressors like financial stuff, if it could possibly be avoided. discussions about money early on just opens a line for more conflict, something I wish I would have avoided in my sitch. When the time comes, you will do what you have to do.

Get over that. Your family is wishing to help lift you up during a difficult time. Allow them to. Put your pride and your ego aside, and change your perspective. You would wish to do the exact same thing for your father, if the need every presented itself, right? So right now You need support, both physically and emotionally. Allow him to help, as long as it is constructive.

Something will present itself to you eventually, Mimi. I have faith that things will work out well for you. I want you to find that faith as well. It may take time, but life is going to get much much better. You can bank on that

Hi SP, hope you are well today! Thank you for your words, I appreciate your advice.


He actually did call me back last night, but my phone did not ring b/c of the poor reception where I am living, so I didn't know he called. He called again today asking why I didn't answer last night, I looked online and saw he did call twice.

I totally agree on not asking for favors, I hated that I had to call him and put myself in that position. I think it was divine intervention that his return calls didn't come through last night. Before H called back again today, I had already contacted my job to have them write up a another letter breaking down the per hour rate and hours I will be working, hopefully this will suffice for the apartment people (they said it should). I'm waiting for the job to send me the new letter, hopefully they do it by morning.

I did tell H what the issue is when we talked, but I told him I possibly have it handled now. He said to let him know if the letter doesn't work out and he will do whatever I need.

But, yes, I hope the letter works!




I agree, he shouldn't leave me stranded. He agrees as well (financially stranded of course lol). He decided (no pressure from me) that we should leave our bank accounts as they are for now and told me told to always buy what I need when I need. I am very careful about that though.

On the phone today he asked how much I will need to move in to the apartment, b/c he wanted to know how much of the check he got today can be put towards savings as he plans to purchase a car and move into an apartment himself in November. So finances will begin to be more carefully watched once those things happen, as he will need more of his money for his new life. Thanks for the reminder of how important it can be.

- When I start this new job the money will be deposited into the joint account as my current check is. After BD, H went back to "wonderland" to be re-hired, he chose to have his checks still deposited there as well (for 2.5 years he didn't like that my checks were deposited in my personal account, but he didn't tell me until counseling. So I will continue this 180). I am kind of hoping my making more money again, will help him to see the benefits of having a second income (even with him making a lot more money things will be tight for him, b/c "wonderland" is very, very expensive and now that he's a permanent employee he looses the perks that saved money like free housing). Again, I will be sure to careful about this as well though.

- After BD, he doesn't know this, but I had a debit card opened for my personal account so I can make personal purchases from there, instead of the joint account, so they are not visible to him just in case that might trigger something negative for him. If that makes sense?

- After BD, any time he uses money from the savings he is sure to contact me and say why and that it will be replaced. So he's being respectful/considerate about finances and hopefully it stays this way until whatever decisions are made.



Since the apartment people were saying what I will make isn't enough for them...my dad asked how much I will make, it's a few dollars less than what I was making when I worked there prior b/c its a different position (my old position is filled), so he started to compare this fact, as if I don't already know this. It wasn't the questions really, anything said by them concerning my sitch is slightly irritating for me b/c of things I found out (after H BD'd) things my parents did and said, that crossed boundaries. I won't go into that today though

Well the letter from my job won't work to get the apartment.

So on Friday I texted H and let him know I will need his information. He didn't respond.

The Apartment called me Saturday, I told them I'd have something to them hopefully on Monday.

I waited a 30+ hours, still no response from H.

So I texted him tonight.......... (I reallllly didn't want to..... but I'm 3 days away from moving and don't know if I will have a place to stay or not.....so I'm freaking out inside a bit). I texted him asking how was he today, and if he got my previous text and if everything is still ok to do that?

A few hours later he responded:

H: "I'm doing okay, worked yesterday, so kind of tired. I got your text and I'm going to try to get that stuff to you asap".

I didn't respond.

A few hours later he texts me a picture of a large meal he cooked with the caption:

H: "Trying to keep those home cooked meals rolling"

(I was at work and didn't know he sent this until a few hours later. I wasn't going to respond, but then decided to since he was sharing... I figured I'd give him a positive response. Though I felt it was odd....like he was trying to prove something by sending the photo.)

Me: Looks good, what all is there? (I could enlarge the photo to see)

H: Potatoes, carrots, bell peppers...I cooked corn on the cob...eggplant...steamed green beans, kale salad

(He named a few foods, then said "I cooked". Him dividing like that made me things someone else made the Potatoes, carrots, bell peppers. It's a pretty large meal, and there's 3 corn on the cob.... I'm pretty sure he didn't eat all of that unless he's cooking for the entire week. Why make a meal that big? SO now I'm wondering if he had a potluck with friends or if there's a "special" friend he cooked w/ so I purposely say the following:)

Me: Looks like you all had a very healthy meal. What does eggplant taste like?

H: It was only me.... like fried green tomatoes
(he took my bait to find out if someone was with him eating.... was that a bad idea/obvious move on my part?)

Me: I've never had those either lol. If you're not in bed, could you send a pic of your ID by phone?

(I know the majority of the info I need from him so I figured I'd ask for his ID while we were already talking then I could send all of the apartment application back in and then just wait on 1 more thing form him)

H: I am in bed, I will send it first thing in the morning

Me: Ok. I'm headed that way too, good night.

H: Good night.

So we'll see if he sends me all the info I need.
I won't text him any more about the matter.
If moving day comes w/o him helping me to get the apartment I will leave my dog here and go there alone and figure something out.

***Why I thought him sending the picture of food was odd/or to possibly create a feeling w/in me: He's only cooked 3-4 times in the 7 years we've been together. In the 4 years of marriage no matter what, I had a hot meal prepared for him at least 5 days a week. Even on days he didn't work and I did, I would come in the house, he'd be on the couch, I'd start cooking. I always took pride in the meals I'd cook. He high extremely high blood pressure and was on medication for it when we start dating. His health is a complete 180 from then b/c of my cooking healthy. Never I bring home fast food. (If I went out of town, I'd come home to fast food bags sometimes that he'd get on his own.) So my cooking, I thought, showed my love for him in a major way. I always made the meal look perfect on the plate, I enjoyed doing that for him so much and he knows that. Evey time I'd present his plate, especially if I tried out something new/different, he'd seem so surprised and looked at it in amazement, and he'd thank me before and after he finished. I loved it. When he did bring up complaints about our relationship, cooking for him was the only thing I knew for sure, I could bring up and say that's one thing I do right. He'd sometimes respond that me cooking wasn't a big deal to him, he could make food himself or pick up something to eat. He wanted more/other things from me that made him feel loved but he didn't say what for me to know what to do to meet his needs(I didn't know the 5LL's at the time, I didn't realize that my cooking--an act of service-- wasn't received as love by him even though it meant so much to me to do it, and I put so much love into it. In counseling she had us read 5LL's and his are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation)****

Hi Mimi! I don't have any advice to give, but wanted to tell you I hope the apartment hunt works out for you!

I don't really enjoy cooking (I'm a baking kind of girl!), but I have been trying to step up my dinner game the past couple of years - sounds like I could take some lessons from you!

Well, it's the middle of the day. Haven't heard from H, so I'm going to give up on continuing to reach out for his help with this apartment sitch. Whatever will be, will be.

I know I'm not supposed to snoop, but I was curious to who H has contacted in the days after he said yes to my asking for help w/ the apartment. I saw he called his female co-worker/friend's step-dad.

I believe the friends step-dad is guiding H on what to do with me. Which is annoying, this man doesn't know me, or my heart. If I am correct, I think whatever he's been feeding H, probably isn't the best info.....as he's remarried himself.


***Background on female coworker: H doesn't like to call her a friend, but I've seen her call my H her "bestfriend" on her FB page (H's FB is blocked to not allow any one to comment freely on his page, and no mentions/tags can be posted w/o his permission) She worked at his old job where we used to live. He trained her for the position they worked. She moved to "wonderland" with her boyfriend last year.

I didn't know she moved, I'd only met her once, didn't know they were so close. When I suggested H begin traveling for his job, I assume he told her my suggestion and she suggested he come to "wonderland" and got him the seasonal job there b/c the facility they work at is high-tech and H said it would be a good experience as they have the best of the best there (he never mentioned to me that she was already there, and helped him get the position, until after plans were set for it, then he claimed he told me but I probably wasn't listening...I think I would remember if you told me a female coworker from your old job helped you to get this new job. but OK.) So H and female-coworker are in "wonderland" working side by side on a new project that may take H to very high levels. H is close to her family (boyfriend, mom, step-dad and bio-dad). Obviously her mom remarried....I noticed before H came to visit in July and while he was here, he was talking to her step-dad very often, sometimes for over an hour.***


After moving, I think I will go dark on him and really every one in my life right now. I know that sounds bad. I still plan to GAL, make new friends and go to meetup groups after I move, but I want to be done with the old and embrace everything new.


This morning when I was on FB, I saw a post that was shared from a man who recently got divorced. He listed his lessons learned and implored married men/women to fix things now before it's too late, as these lessons came too late for him. It was really good.

I thought of sending it to H, prefacing it by saying I wish we had learned these things in our marriage (a lot of the things listed were problems I know H had and couldn't figure out), also that I wish he could come up with an alternative solution where he can continue to take whatever time/space he needs to figure things out on his own w/o dissolving our relationship, but hopefully he can learn from this list these apply those things in his next relationship.....and wish him well.

Hi chl0! It's funny, I enjoyed cooking for him daily, it made me feel good to do it for him... but when I'm alone, eh... it's not as fun with just me and I'd rather eat someone else's food, so I usually order something in. lol