Well I admit now I am lost as to what is going on in this thread. As for being disinterested, MarcD I do have to agree with you somewhat, although I would term it best, not willing to be hurt again. Take the power back. I don't want to ever go through life disinterested or playing games all the time (although sometimes we have to or more appropriately, we do unconsciously), with acting as if I could care less.
What I can do is keep my own power and control my emotions. I am learning. It is hard. I would say it is retraining my brain every day to think positive thoughts, versus the negative ones that seem to control my emotions sometimes. And I realize part of my issue is I don't trust Ex yet. At all. But I willing to try, if he is.
Last night, he called and we talked. He is taking his ad off the internet, and made it clear he only wanted to see me and could not wait until I came up soon. He was even talking about when we are old, and decrepit, would I be able to beat him at tennis...
Then he called again two hours later, to ramble on about his tennis, etc.
I came to realize something last night.
1. Obviously we both still have communication issues. That has not been solved yet, because it is twice as hard to see each other being this far away.
2. Second, I ALLOWED him to cross all my boundaries while we were separated. Basically I showed him how I wanted to be treated: with no respect. Granted, I DB a lot and there were times, that I could see results immediately.
So I am taking small steps, defining my boundaries to him all the time, and trying to communicate in effective ways. Our "summit peace talks" for V-day weekend, will hopefully prove to be interesting and maybe, hopefully a new start to a better relationship.
Thought I would recap. This is more a log for me, than anything else. We are getting back together, in about 3 months, when my lease is up. Well at least we tentatively agreed to give it another shot, get married again, start a life.
V-day weekend was very good. Our "summit peace talks" as I liked to call them, went very well. I arrived Thursday night, and we were both awash in smiles, and beer, at a local bar. It was nice. Afterward, we went back to the house (my house) and it felt a little weird, since I thought I would never be there again. However, it felt right at the same time. Ex had pictures of us all over the place, and I asked him, did he have these up recently, and he said no, he had put them up last January (when we divorced). Interesting, since he had women in the house, at had at least two relationships, I can imagine that made them uncomfortable. It touched my heart, because it meant he never let us go, in his heart.
Friday, we spent the day going to bookstores, holding hands, getting some dinner, to make at home, movies to watch. Very nice.
We talked Friday night. I had a list of 7 things I needed to cover with him, that are important, going forward. He understood and agreed to all of them. He had 2..which of course we fine. We talked about trying for a baby this year, about what will be different for us both, going forward, how we need to love and respect each other, and turn to each other to work things out. He said I was wonderful! That he always loved me. He didn't want me to leave. Said he wanted his life to start and he wanted his life to start with me. A girl he has been on a few dates with, called him Saturday to see if he could help her with her computer, and he said he could not talk to her, I was there. Impressive! Also, he ahs been slowly telling people we are getting back together!
There was one issue, we are still working on. I wrote him a letter explaining exactly what I need. He can reflect on it, and think about it when he wants. I think being firm, keeping my boundaries with him, showing love and respect to him, and letting him know I need to know his needs and wants too, is what will make this work. I know I don't need him, and that makes all the difference. Now we are equals.
It made me smile ear to ear. Sunday, we went to see his parents, and they were so excited. After he dropped me off, he went back to see them and told them this time, things would be different between us, (this coming from his mother in an email to me)...
Now forward to me now, I still I am very scared. Still weary. Still need time to process all of this. And I hope with this time we now have apart, I can truly sift through all my emotions and come to an understanding about whether this is the right thing for me or not. All I know is he is my best friend and I love him, like I have never loved anyone else. I am just waiting for my heart and mind to meet. And to continue to DB, effectively for the rest of my life.
this is awesome and encouraging news...you are getting back together with x!
As for your list of things that need to change...were the specific? I mean you said detailed things not just 'you need to respect me'. How will h show you he respects you?
Also I suggest reading Michelle's book "Getting Through to the Man you Love" to help nail down the perimeters of the r.
Here were the detailed things: (they be different than other people's since I am divorced and no longer saving the marriage)
1. My name on the house (he NEVER did that when we were married - very WRONG to do that) 2. Share expenses and create common goals (he had a hard time sharing money) 3. No more EA outside of work (work relationship only) 4. Move to another house if it calls for it 5. Spend time together, set aside quality time together (we failed to do that and drifted apart over the years) 6. Show me I am the best thing that happened to him 7. If he becomes unhappy. or I do, we discuss it and figure it out.
8. Here is the one he had problems with. He said to me when I asked him for a promise of commitment, that he could not predict the future and he could turn out to be an [censored] in ten years and have an affair. I told him NOT GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER for me. I won't tolerate that. I wrote him a letter detailing what a promise of commitment means to me: show and say your love, understand that there will ALWAYS be temptation, but what kind of person is he...a man who acknowledges that and understand the consequences of that, or a man who does what he want, consequences be had. I told him if he even has one pinky toe out of the relationship, that means someone else can get in between us. He has to have the intent in his heart to be committed, even when life gets bad. And if he is not happy, he at least lets me know, before he does something, so I have a say in this also.
I think I every right to ask this of him. It is a strong prerequisite of mine, as would any woman or man have. I know the future is always uncertain, but you can predetermine your actions by what is most important to you.
So, we'll see. He never responded to my letter, and that is okay. He has called me every night to just say hi, so that is a good sign.
So, at least know you can see why I am still thinking things through. I think with Ex, he is a bit dense. He believes trust and commitment come in time, through both of us working at it, and he is right, but you also need to have both feet grounded in that belief as well. Not the I am the best thing now, until the best other thing comes around. I wont stand for that in my life. I deserve the best, as does he.
Need more specifics on your goals or he won't do them. Your goals should be action oriented.
Quote: 1. My name on the house (he NEVER did that when we were married - very WRONG to do that) 2. Share expenses and create common goals (he had a hard time sharing money) What common goals? Save money for trips? Save money to repair house? How much money? Trips how often? Be very specific in your idea of what common goals ARE. 3. No more EA outside of work (work relationship only) So this means no hanging out with his buddies? How will you handle mens night out? Will you have a ladies night out? You two need individual time. Is this a consideration? 4. Move to another house if it calls for it 5. Spend time together, set aside quality time together (we failed to do that and drifted apart over the years) What night a week will this be? What will you do? Who will set it up? This needs to be laid out now so that you don't get off track and lose sight of together time. 6. Show me I am the best thing that happened to him Is he to bring you flowers? Tell you he loves you? What are you looking for here? 7. If he becomes unhappy. or I do, we discuss it and figure it out. Maybe a couples devotional geared toward building intimacy. Check some book at the store that y'all can do together say every Sunday over breakfast? If he's horribly unhappy, will counseling be an option?
Just some ideas. If you read the book "Getting Through to the Man you Love", this will help you realize that action oriented goals for a man are vitally important. And goals can't be vague where men are concerned cause then they'll just let them slide. They need to know their actions will PRODUCE some tangible result. And you'll need to see results to be happy...if goals are too vague how will you know you've reached your goal?
This is VERY helpful, Cindy. Thank you so much. You are right. I think we are off to a good start, him and I. More to come, and more stuff to talk about it. Thank you again.
