I don't know what to do. I am at a loss on how to handle myself and talking with people who don't understand the delicate threads of reconciliation, just cause me more stress.
A short note: Was married for one year. Was together 6.5 years. We are both 31. No kids. The marriage fell apart because my Ex has an: EA Midlife crisis Wanted to date other women and explore the world Didn't think he ever loved me and I was the wrong person for him Didn't want a family with me, wasn't sure he wanted kids (I do)
Flash forward. Divorced Dec 9, 2002. I tried everything to save my marriage and then just let go, moved away from our home, to GA, 1800 miles away, and started my life over. Over the year we have sporadically kept in touch. But I moved on, was dating men, and had just accepted things.
Flash forward to November 2003. He books a plane ticket to see me Thanksgiving weekend. We have a great time. He leaves. My heart breaks. But I still move forward. I go home for Christmas - and see him for dinner. He buys me all these extravagant Xmas gifts, and we talk. He says:
He loves me still He is happy, but would be happier with me Realized he wanted a child with me
New Years Eve. We spend a week in FL together, at his request. He had booked a diving vacation and asked me to spend it with him. Again, great time. We talk more. He loves me, realizes it and wants to be with me. Doesn't want to date anyone else.
Here is the PROBLEM: He is STILL on MATCH.com and he last checked it 3 days ago (I checked this morning and he is still on it) HE went to a bar with the EA Saturday night and he said another girl gave him her number He just gave me his credit card number to come up and spend Valentines Weekend with him. He is paying for it. We are supposed to talk and work through things.
I feel by him still being on that dating site and going out with EA, which he knows hurt me, means he is not serious, and doesn't want this. I am not sure how to act, or respond or even what to do.
He wants to see YOU for Valentines Day. weekend, not the EA or anyone else.
But to get back together, he's going to need to stop acting like he's free. I'd go and do what he said he wants to do - talk and work on things. Then you can see if he's willing to let himself be completely with you. He shouldn't be on Match.com, seeing EA, or taking phone numbers. That isn't acceptable when you are with someone.
That doesn't mean you have to give him an ultimatum, but it's something to discuss.
Thanks for the advice. We are in that limbo stage yet where we have not decided to be together, we are talking. However, I do feel disrespected with the past events and obviously past relationship issues are surfacing. I know if we get back together, counseling is a must.
I just bought my tickets to fly - on his credit card. I am trying to watch his actions, however I still feel so angry. Hopefully more will come to light when we sit down and talk about us. If he doesnt remove himself from the dating site, and such, then I can come back here, in GA, and know I can move forward. It's just we have come so far...and this is all a shock. He came back all own. Seems now he is pulling back or reserving something in case we dont work out. And that pisses me off. Sigh. This is never easy, whether saving a marriage or reviving one.
Well, I must say; loose the bitterness and yes also your pissiness (LOL, is this a word?).
These two things will get you nowhere. And if you don't have it, pick up a DR book! Winging it, won't work!
The door is open, now it's your choice; do you want in or not! If I was you; I'd be thanking the Lord! because it looks like you may have a chance at a R with your X. The point is; do you want one?
Control your runaway emotions. Set boundaries. And BTW; good luck! Deb
I agree somewhat with the others - I would go for Valentines day and if it were me - I'd lay the cards on the table - I would let him know I would like to give us a go but this is the only way I will see it will work. If he isn't willing to give up the playboy life than he isn't worth wasting more heartache on in my opinion. In my opinion the games have to be end - he has to step up to the plate and decide what he really wants and I think should fight for you.
Thanks for the adivce. Missy, I agree with you. I didnt go into a whole description, but I am an old regualr to DB, and the book I have read many times, along with counseling and all that. So now in my opinion, since Missy you voiced how I feel, it is about setting boundaries. I am happy that Ex is coming back, but at the same time, I dont need the games or the bull. What I have been doing with him is setting boundaries, so he knows how I feel. Monday night we talked and I relayed without pointing fingers, how I felt, and that if he wanted to date others, that is fine, we are divorced, but then I am gone. I dont understand why he would go through all the trouble of visiting me, wooing me, etc, to f up now, in my opinion. I am not impressed about his past weekend or that he is still on match.com. So, that is why I posted here, to get some more opinions to see if what I was feeling was right. This time it is not about messing up, it is about him stepping up and working on things with me, honestly. Otherwise, it is not worth it.
This is going to differ a little bit from what the others have said but here goes anyway
X has made a move, this is good but you might want to remember that X is probably scared as hell right now. He isn't POSITIVE he hasn't burnt all of his bridges with you...this is more like a "sticking the toe int the water to see if it's cold" thing at this point if you ask me.
He has ventured to you that he would like to get back together, that is a HUGE step BUT if you start making all kinds of demands right off the bat then the chance is good he just might bolt again. If in your heart you would like to give him a chance again then I would recommend starting over from the beginning...start with a beginners mind. Treat him like you would a new man in your life (hopefully that is what he will be ) using the DB principles to build a new R with this man. Set boundaries yes but not demands or ultimatums...is this something you would have done a year ago if he had come back to the M instead of going with the D??
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Zoo - I understand and see your point but she has been through all this before with him. They are divorced now. In my opinion, if he is truly serious, really, really loves her wants her back with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE then he MUST stop the Match.com, no more dating, no more numbers being handed out. Period. End of Story. Heck if I was her I certainly would definitely set boundaries - let him know up front where I come from and if he loves me enough to woo me for the rest of my life then start showing me.
I am divorced as well. I am not bitter by any means (although I suppose I come across this way) but my heart has been stomped on too hard to put my vulnerability back out on the line like that and take that kind of risk.
I hope you aren't mad at me ZOO - I wasn't trying to attack you by any means - heck that is what this board is about - sharing opinions and throwing them out there. There is no right or wrong answer - just what fits your life best.
Congrats on the fact that you guys are spending time together and working toward something else.
But I must say in regards to the EA and Match.Com let that go. You aren't together YET!!!!! Play the role of the OTHER woman. Think of it this way, he's getting together with you for VALENTINES day. Imagine it this way perhaps. He's cheating on his girlfriend with YOU! Exciting isnt it. Just a little??????? There are no strings attached. He hasn't said that he wanted to go run off and get married again quite yet. Please just have fun and enjoy what is going on rather than trying to over think it. You have an AWESOME opportunity here I think. And I sense that if you allow the EA and the Match.com stuff to come up he will see you as a jealous and immature person. Jealousy and envy will destroy any chance of you ever having a relationship with this person EVERYTIME!!!!! I have seen more would be great relationships destroyed by jealousy (SP)
Please do your best to let it go. Perhaps there is more being read into his CURRENT intent than what is really there. Enjoy it. And if I may be so bold. (Why do people say that when they are going to say whatever it is anyway?) On Valentines do something with him that you had NEVER done in your marriage. Not only will that blow his mind but it will SERIOUSLY make him jealous to the point that he will suddenly start feeling VERY possessive of you. First thing he will think will be where did she learn that???? OMG I want this so much. .... etc. Example perhaps during sexual situations you were quiet, well fill the lungs and let it rip let the vilest most filthy things spew from your mouth. Pretend for that time that you are one of these girls in a porno and go for broke. I hope you get the jist of what I am saying and that I have not offended.
But that is something that YOU have to gauge. I do not know how he would react to something like that. But you sure will. Don't be afraid to be a little out of character and a little wild if you aren't or be more reserved if you are wild. The change will puzzle him to no end.
But overall I would have to say just enjoy being the OW for a little bit and at HIS expense too. I do think that the new perspective will keep you from making any judgement errors and irrevocably damage the relationship you currently are building. And besides you can have a lot more fun that way. Soon enough he will be eating out of your hands. TRUST me on this one I have seen it NUMEROUS times from working in strip-clubs. Guys paying rent for girls they will NEVER have the chance to bed. And it works.
Just have a blast being the OW and act as if the EA doesnt even phase you in the least bit. That will blow his mind to no end. That you didn't even bring it up.
But then again that might just be me and what do I know. I cant even get my W to talk to me. But I hope that it helps you a little bit.
But I hope that it helps you a little bit.