Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

Well....it happened. Our first R talk since bomb #2. He brought it up so I went with it. He explained to me that he appreciates my efforts, and that he doesn't want me to think it is going unnoticed. He has seen a drastic positive change in me and loves it. BUT....he is very skeptical it's lifelong. He has asked me many times for this change and I have never followed through in the past. And he is somewhat pessimistic about it all. I don't blame him. He stated that even though we have had a really good two or three weeks he isn't 1000% sure we are good an back an our marriage is on track. He said leaving isn't in his mind anymore but at the same time he isn't going to rule it out because he just doesn't see me sticking to my changes due to my past track record. He is a policeman and therefore he finds it hard to trust me with this and have faith in me. He explained he is lied to everyday and so it's hard to separate his way of thinking on the streets and his way of thinking with me. He just told me its gonna take time for him to fully believe my changes are lifelong and i just told him that's all I need. I can talk his ear off telling him it is but actions speak louder than words. He said he isn't going anywhere but to expect that he will have good days and be happy with me but those bad days and skeptical days are gonna creep up and he won't mean to me mean or angry with me but it is going to be his skepticism peeking through and coming out. Wasn't sure what to say to get him to believe I've made the changes and are sticking to it so I didn't say much.

The one scary thing he did say was that he isn't sleeping well at all. And the last time that happened was right before he left last time. And he doesn't know why he can't sleep. He said leaving isn't in his mind right now so he isn't sure why. And it scares me to death....

Chl0901 - I'm definitely keeping up with my end of the bargain. Was feeling well about things until our talk last night. Scared me to death.

Neither do I.

The best response you can give him is "I understand how you feel and I agree that I haven't been able to change as much as I wanted, but I'm trying." And make the changes stick, because as you now know, he is serious about leaving if they don't.



Don't worry about the things you can't fix, worry about the things you can fix.

I understand I can't try and fix things i can't fix but its to hard. He came home from lunch today in such a terrible mood. No affection whatsoever. And cold and tired looking due to no sleep. He says he is so tired and I don't know what to say?! I'm shaking inside but cause I fear he is going to alude his no sleep to not being happy and walk out.

I'm trying to stay positive but its so hard when we seem to have a breakthrough talk and it seems like its made things worse.

You are borrowing trouble you don't need and mind reading again. There is something going on with your husband that he doesn't want to talk about. You are going to let your fear of what you can't control affect your ability to do what you can control.

As for the cold behavior, have you tried what I suggested? Not withholding affection per se, but managing how much affection you demonstrate based on how he acts around you.



He has already seen that your attempts to fix things before were apparently only to keep him from leaving, and once it was "safe" you backslid. So if we were keeping score, you're starting out in the negatives this time. You have to keep the changes going no matter what he does because if you backslide again then he will assume that this is another attempt to manipulate him into staying. And this time he may really leave for good. Why should anyone be trapped in a relationship that doesn't meet their needs?

If the changes really are "too hard" then you need to take a good look at why you are trying to get him to stay. Fear of being alone is a pretty bad reason to stay married; you shouldn't be forced to become someone that you aren't.

And frankly, that "I'm a police officer so I can't trust people" thing is a crock. It's not fair to you to have him continually question your motives. I realize that things are up in the air right now, but at some point—preferably after you have demonstrated that your changes are real and permanent—he has to choose to have faith in you again.

You are 100% correct. I hit panic mode again...and fixer mode...what can I do to correct this situation. I still haven't learned that i can't fix him. Not sure if that's a natural feeling or just me. I have to try and work on that. Cause now i sit here with my stomach in a pit...




I haven't but you don't think in my circumstances and with love and affection vein out issue that that is a good idea? What if be assumes I'm starting the backslide?




100% right. I don't debate that....



Definitely not. The changes are nice. Make me feel good. I feel happier an they are coming more naturally to me. It's all a good and positive thing and I'm definitely not doing it to keep him. I WANT to be a more loving affectionate person.




I guess I understand where he is coming from which I voiced to him but I ask agree and asked him to try and put the criminals on the street and me in different categories. I understand he is leery of my changes lasting but i asked he has faith in me. He said he does and that's why he is still here. He believes we can get there.

Called my therapist today who knows Chris an just thinks he is acting on his emotions right now which can be dangerous. And he is so up and down due to his emotions. He compared them to the weather. And what he needs to figure out is how to handle his emotions and deal with them and not blame them on very thing around him.

So question...how do I act if he comes home still in a terrible mood?

And also in our talk last night...he said its just gonna take time. This was bottled up for months and be is still very angry at me. Do I ask how much time? Do I just keep on keeping on? Do I ask for a certain time limit?

That's why I was clear that you should not withhold affection, but you can moderate it based on how he treats you.

I get that he wants you to be more physically demonstrative, but who can be loving to someone who shuts you down like that? I mean, that's basically his complaint, right? He loves you but you aren't giving him what he needs. It's completely reasonable to want the same thing from him.



So why do you take him at his word when he talks about how unhappy he is, but not when he talks about wanting to be with you?



Talk to him. If he's unhappy and doesn't want to talk about it, then tell him you're giving him the space to deal with it himself.

Right now, I wouldn't ask a question that you may not want the answer to. (Besides, R talk, remember?)

What if he tells you he's giving you a year? What if it's three months? Do you really want to live for the next three months terrified about whether or not you're going to "pass"?

No I guess not. But I'm terrified he is thinking a few more days, or a week. We have had a few ups and downs the past three weeks but things were going so well and he was kissing me and touching me all on his own and then boom. Wakes up today and it feels like we are back to square one. I don't understand how you can tell me how you are skeptical but still have faith it can be done or you wouldn't be here one night an then be completely gone the very next day. He even told me he has noticed he has good days and bad. And the good days he is happy and sees my changes then he next day he is feeling skeptical leery and has a bad day...it's such an emotional roller coaster ride of emotions...