Sweet, might be a 2x4 for you, but I'm no expert, I'm in the same boat though.
"I think one of my problems is that I keep looking for some sort of big sign about what I'm supposed to do/think. While that would be nice, I may never get that"
I think holding on to hope is going to make you focus on him, his actions, and his words. Expecting anything from him is a losing battle. I know it is tough but don't. Have you gone NC?
It sounds like to me he is there when he needs something but not when there is nothing to be gained. It is damaging to you.
My stbx is the same way. She has no desire to talk to me, to be around me, unless there is something she needs. It [censored], I feel a stab in my heart each time I see her or even get a text from her.
"Brobafet, I'm sorry that you have to deal with your w cheating on your for two years. My xh didn't do anything until he decided to "separate". So I still think it was cheating because we weren't divorced, but he doesn't think that way. agree to disagree i guess."
It was more than two years, it started in 2005. Her excuse was I was angry and hard to talk to. She never tried, not until I found the My Space and emails from her. She also said that it wasn't cheating because we were separated, she also said that she didn't believe in God, or our vows, yes I continually tried to speak to her spiritual side, also reminding her of the good things about our M, a no no when you are DBing. Well we weren't separated with the first two, With #3 we were separated. Then I had a one night stand in Las Vegas, I can't justify it. It was wrong. She never showed remorse. She gave this attitude that I should drop it and move on, we werent allowed to talk about it. Then there was abuse from her, physically harming me. Not that cheating isn't abuse.
Listen sweet, you need, I need to start focusing on ourselves. We say we are but we are not. Your letting your x continue to control the situation. The part where you said he is ditching you once again. I'm sure this did nothing but boost his ego. You said "He says he'll be jealous when I start dating other people" Uhhh duh dude, your not giving him any focus if you have someone else lined up. This will kill his ego. He'll no longer get that little boost from talking to you any more, or getting to go to a bar/restaurant you and him loved to go to, saying something that may push a button, and cause you to say something that will only serve his ego.
Take care of you, Go NC, see how that does. I'm sorry this is tough, but you have God, you have DB.com you don't need him. If he comes back and is willing to work on your relationship and not talk about all the women that are lined up because he now has a mask on, a shiny new car and his awesome 1 bedroom apartment. Then give him the chance. Let him work on him and you and you. You got this!
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
So, I'd been asking for a sign and maybe I got one. Last night I worked an event and realized I left something in my car.
When I walked out to get it, an older woman about 20 feet away who was tailgating called out to me and asked if she could tell me something.
I walked over and she said "God wanted me to tell you everything is going to be okay. You're going to get the news you were waiting for soon and you're going to be okay. I have no idea what it's about, but I had to tell you."
A few months ago I would have written her off as a crazy person, but you never know. I've been telling God that I'm not good with subtle hints and saying that I just need to know what to do, even if it needs to be knocked into me!
Originally Posted By: brobafet
Sweet, might be a 2x4 for you, but I'm no expert, I'm in the same boat though.
Hmm, can it be a 2x4 if I agree with what you're saying? lol
Originally Posted By: brobafet
Have you gone NC?
It sounds like to me he is there when he needs something but not when there is nothing to be gained. It is damaging to you.
I haven't really gone nc, but I don't initiate contact. I let him make the first move. If he wants to call, text, or see me, he has to put forth the effort.
And I got another example of him "using me" yesterday.
The other night at dinner we were talking about a movie sequel that was coming out and he said that one of our friends planned to go see it friday for his birthday.
He invited me to come, but I told him I already had plans.
Yesterday, I get a text from him, asking what I'm doing on Friday night.
Seems he forgot that he was going to have his son this weekend and was trying to get me to watch him so he could go to the movie and then we'd all meet up for dinner after.
I told him I already had plans and reminded him that he'd invited me to go see the movie.
I think it's tough for me because my love languages are quality time and acts of service, so I actually want to help him/spend time with him.
But I would never watch his son so that he could go out with friends to something I'm also invited to. He'd try to do that in the past, even when we were together, and would then complain that we never did anything together. Did he ever get a sitter so the two of us could go out? Of course not.
Originally Posted By: brobafet
You said "He says he'll be jealous when I start dating other people" Uhhh duh dude, your not giving him any focus if you have someone else lined up. This will kill his ego.
Well, I've tentatively got a date lined up for Monday night, so we'll see how I do. I'm nervous and not sure if I'm ready, but I guess I won't find out until I try it. I don't have anyone else lined up, but I do have options. I just don't think I'm ready to put up with anyone else right now.
Originally Posted By: brobafet
Take care of you, Go NC, see how that does. I'm sorry this is tough, but you have God, you have DB.com you don't need him. If he comes back and is willing to work on your relationship and not talk about all the women that are lined up because he now has a mask on, a shiny new car and his awesome 1 bedroom apartment. Then give him the chance. Let him work on him and you and you. You got this!
Brobafet, I know I don't need him! I've always been independent and I just need to remember that. I love him, but I'll be okay with or without him.
And it does get easier to not think about him when I don't hear/see him for days or weeks. It's hard at first, but then I keep myself busy.
I'd been trying to decide what to do, but I think it may be a good idea not to see him. If he knows that I'd always be there, he has no incentive to become a better person. He hasn't had to actually miss me yet.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
The woman tailgating....huge 2x4. Digest those words on a minute to minute basis. God, heard you he spoke to you and now he is telling you to be patient.
When I pray and I'm asking for something I try to be a specific as possible.
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I'd been trying to decide what to do, but I think it may be a good idea not to see him. If he knows that I'd always be there, he has no incentive to become a better person. He hasn't had to actually miss me yet.
I know that if I were seeing stbx daily it would drive me crazy. The unfortunate thing is I'm going to be soon. Well more like weekly. I'm moving to where she went to so that I can be closer to my kids. Its devastating that she is capable of hurting me the way she has and show no remorse for it.
I wish her being away from me and me going nc would have the effect of her missing me and maybe seeing what she is doing is wrong but I have to let go of that hope. Besides I don't know if I want her to come back.
Keep on praying it is working!
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
So, I'd been asking for a sign and maybe I got one. Last night I worked an event and realized I left something in my car.
When I walked out to get it, an older woman about 20 feet away who was tailgating called out to me and asked if she could tell me something.
I walked over and she said "God wanted me to tell you everything is going to be okay. You're going to get the news you were waiting for soon and you're going to be okay. I have no idea what it's about, but I had to tell you."
A few months ago I would have written her off as a crazy person, but you never know. I've been telling God that I'm not good with subtle hints and saying that I just need to know what to do, even if it needs to be knocked into me!
Wow!!!
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
So I've learned to accept, at least for now, that if xh can't even figure out what he's doing or why, there's very little chance that I can.
Although I am tempted to work on a second master's in counseling after i get my mls because there needs to be more ic's and mc's who use db'ing principles.
So, as the possibly crazy lady told me the other night, I need to be patient and just wait to see what happens, but I will be okay.
Anyway, I need to keep myself busy. I'm working three nights this week, two of them at singles mixers, possibly a lunch with friends tomorrow, and most scarily, a date tonight!
I haven't been on a first date in over 8 years, I think, so this will be interesting. I'm not sure if there will be any physical attraction, but he's a smart, interesting guy, so we'll see what happens.
Xh is just spinning right now, so jealous because he thinks I've been going out and he's trying to convince me to move to his apt complex.
Apparently he's not sure if he wants me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. That doesn't work for me. And if he does decide he wants me, since we're D, he'll have to compete with everyone else.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
So I've learned to accept, at least for now, that if xh can't even figure out what he's doing or why, there's very little chance that I can.
BS, you already are. I doubt he is on a website called Divorce busting and working his feelings out and trying to become a better man. In fact I know it. He openly flaunts that he is seeing other women and that he doesn't really need you. You are figuring it out. Get it in your head that you are doing the right thing.
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Although I am tempted to work on a second master's in counseling after i get my mls because there needs to be more ic's and mc's who use db'ing principles.
Do it, you're right, there needs to be more ic's and mc's that use these principles. It would have been nice if my xW would have read the books, and done some of the work herself, you can lead em to water.....
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So, as the possibly crazy lady told me the other night, I need to be patient and just wait to see what happens, but I will be okay.
Anyway, I need to keep myself busy. I'm working three nights this week, two of them at singles mixers, possibly a lunch with friends tomorrow, and most scarily, a date tonight!
1) She wasn't crazy, she was an answer to a prayer. You asked for it and you received it, in spades. God gave you the biggest 2x4 you could receive, don't turn away from it. He told you to be patient...are you?
2) Awesome, get out do things. You're single again. I'm guessing cat lady isn't in your future.
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I haven't been on a first date in over 8 years, I think, so this will be interesting. I'm not sure if there will be any physical attraction, but he's a smart, interesting guy, so we'll see what happens.
Don't expect anything. Just enjoy the conversation.
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Xh is just spinning right now, so jealous because he thinks I've been going out and he's trying to convince me to move to his apt complex.
Apparently he's not sure if he wants me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. That doesn't work for me. And if he does decide he wants me, since we're D, he'll have to compete with everyone else.
He wants you to move to his complex? Why so he can keep tabs on you? Creepy....much to creepy. He wants his cake, don't give it to him.
He's not sure if he wants you? Did he tell you this? Or is it his actions that show you this? He'll have to compete with everyone else? In my opinion he already lost. He's a tired horse that cannot run any more. You don't need the guy. Go on those dates, don't expect anything. Have fun. Enjoy your now free life, the freedom of not having to look over your shoulder, or wonder what he is doing, who he is talking to or texting. Sweet your worth so much more than what he is giving/gave you.
-Brobafet
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
I mean that sleeping with someone while you are seperated, but still married is cheating. It is hurtfull, it destroys the relationship, it makes reconciliation even harder and he never should have done it. A seperation is not a free pass for infedelity. Your husband's view is wrong and he only holds it because it justifies what he has done. He knows it is wrong.
Don't second guess your values. You see things very clearly.
