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H texted me this morning about some article he read in a Canadian Women's Mag about women and infidelity. Ha. I get this text just as I'm waking up from a vivid dream of H. Of a personal nature

So we text/chat back and forth. Finally I say

J: H I feel so lost about us

H: Not sure I understand. Lost in what way.

J: Every way. How to feel. What to do.

H: Its a long time to be married. Its a long time to even think of to toss aside. Its a long time to be unhappy. Its a long time and even longer to come to just settle. It will take a long time to figure out.

J: By that reasoning when things are figured out we will have to refigure because of course more time will have passed! Lol

H: Yup

J: I have a love/hate thing for dreaming about you. In my dreams you love/want/cherish me. Its FANTASTIC! But then I wake up and remember/realize reality. And then I'm sadder than when I went to bed because post-dream the loss feels sharper.

H: I get that.

J: If you'd come home this morning I think I'd have hurt your back... Dream you said it was ok though - I did ask first.

H: Funny

J: Yes and no. Like I said, I awoke confused.

H: Well, you are just a woman.

J: Now see, if dream you said crap like THAT there would be no confusion!

H: That's why I say it while awake. To end your confusion.

J: I would have thought you'd prefer me confused.

H: Why

J: Because confusion slows decision making. Thought you didn't want me rushing things?

H: Rush what? I set the tempo remember. The man leads.

J: H, you are a funny one

And in other news.

S20 and I went to see Grown Ups 2. I found it fairly cute - typical Sandler movie. But I always love his soundtracks! Any 80's teen will definitely find some things to appreciate.

D19 lost her job.

S17B (Went to Florida one) who is in Canada was hiding and making phone calls to his we're-just-talking female-friend. Lol. He's not on an international plan so I wonder how much his chat will cost him.

And I'm off in a bit to fastfoodland.

Peace!

Sorry to hear that H let you know that you are "just a woman" J. King H has spoken again. And so glad to hear that HE leads and sets the tempo. Cheesh. Swing your partner, do-si-do!

This made me SO sad "J: I have a love/hate thing for dreaming about you. In my dreams you love/want/cherish me. Its FANTASTIC! But then I wake up and remember/realize reality. And then I'm sadder than when I went to bed because post-dream the loss feels sharper.
H: I get that."

My dream is for my H to love, want and cherish me again too. It would totally break my heart if I said that to him and his answer was "I get that." I would have wanted to hear "I do" or at least "I'm sorry." Why can't our MLCers see or care how much they are hurting us? I told my H that I miss him once. He asked what did I mean, he is right here in front of me. I said that I miss our closeness and his love, I miss physical affection and I miss sex. He said "well I don't." End of conversation.

Mz. J the government helps provide low or no cost health insurance to families with kids 20 and under. Do I sound like a TV commercial? I looked up Ohio's program -- it's called Healthy Start and Healthy Families. There are income guidelines, but with a family of six, your income might not have to be horribly low, I don't know. I have heard that we are not permitted to post links to outside websites on this forum, but you can see information about it a website named InsureKidsNow dot gov. The phone number is (877) 543-7669. I think, from my work with disabled people, that your S20 might be able to qualify for Medicaid due to his anxiety.

Hi Linda!

"Just a woman" is one of H's go to phrases.

Yeah, the dreams are definitely bittersweet. Thank heavens I don't have them too often!


That was harsh RL. Sorry you are having to deal with that.

I guess they can't care what they're doing to us because that on top of whatever else they're dealing with would probably kill them.

The fact that my H can't conceive of him not being the deciding person in all this boggles my mind. Its a side effect of his super-ego I suppose. Its almost comical, while being tragic too.

H: Its a long time to be married. Its a long time to even think of to toss aside. Its a long time to be unhappy. Its a long time and even longer to come to just settle. It will take a long time to figure out.

This bit ^^ stuck in my craw. Tell me, just from what YOU know of my H, would he have done anything that "made him unhappy" for over 20 years!! He doesn't go 20 seconds with anything that bothers him!! And if he's been so flipping unhappy WITH ME why the BLEEP doesn't he GO GO GO! (Stomping feet and waving my fist.) In fact, I asked him during the god-awful talk. "If the twins were 18 now, would you go?" HE SAID NO.

I guess, we aren't the only ones in Limbo. Our spouses aren't gone, but they aren't here either.

I have applied for the Healthy Start stuff, so has S20. The probs are that we are only a family of 4 now, as far as under age kids go. With H and my incomes together we are about $1000 over the annual cut off of income. S20, because he lives with us, doesn't qualify because he has no bills? Idk, that's what they said. Even if I show that he does pay me rent - which he does. ($200/month) The only one who qualifies is D19 lol. This is sort of odd because generally speaking, when she has a job, she makes more than S20, but there's some special program for 18-19 year olds. SMH. Its one of those cases where if I worked less I could receive more in benefits/assistance.

I really appreciate you going to the trouble that you did for my family RL. I'm very touched

We are hopeful that S20 might get full time work before the end of the year and then he could enroll in health insurance through work. If I can get full time, then that could take care of the rest of us.

I did ask, during my review, about going full time. My manager said he'd speak to the CEO because it is supposed to be a possibility at some point. And, if H chooses to become a long haul trucker there might be opportunities there too. (BTW, review went fine, and I got a $0.50/hr raise That's right, I now make $11/hr. But, I only get 25 hrs per week there. Sigh.)

H & twins return tomorrow. H goes to the Dr about his back on Tuesday. I don't know WHAT is going on regarding that sitch but H seems to be in a terrific amount of pain.

I haven't seen or heard from D19 since the phone call regarding the drug test

Sports season is fast approaching! Soon the J house will be all about S17A's football and S17B's soccer and the NFL! (I'm still very curious to know how H is going to see all the kids' games, all the NFL games, work and gamble. Ah well, all things are possible for the King.)

Cheers!

My H is due home any minute now.

Having a hard time.

I really don't want to see him.

I apologize to those who want nothing more than to see their own spouse. I don't mean to be insensitive.

Hoping to be beamed up or swallowed by the earth or ... something.

No need to apologize. It took all my strength just to face my W for a half hour or so today. I *want* to see her, but not like this. I don't feel quite up to speed on looking/acting my best, and not like the stress of all of this has affected me as much as it has.

Truthfully, J, and no offense, if I were you, I wouldnt want to see him either. I am so sorry you are having a hard time.

I hope you are ok. Please try to keep yourself busy and not pay him any mind.

(((hugs)))

Hey MizJ

I can understand why you might not want to deal with him right now. You have had some really emotional talks recently. And like the vets warned us when we got here, the R talks never illuminate or solve anything. They don't even make us feel better.

I am a bit confused right now, too. I won't hijack your thread but I truly understand that urge that the source of your emotional pain is something/someone you would care to avoid.

Take care of you.

And congrats on the raise!

How are you this morning? I'm sorry that your h is still stuck in limbo land and some of his comments have been pretty insensitive.

It's okay not to want him to come home or to see him. After all, he's been at this for a very long time and you've had so much on your plate the last few months. Please try to do something special for yourself today, even if it is to just purchase an ice cream cone.

Please take care of yourself.

How did it go last night when King H and the boys got home? Are you okay? I hope he gets good news at the doctor today.

hey miz

don't apologize - we allll understand. Geez- i carry on about how much i hate being lonely- and then i carry on about dreading seeing his face too. i know- want it both ways huh?

there's no quick- easy- one-size-fits-all answer here. we all get that- it's aminute by minute thing.

probably why we all (well - me anyway) feel so barking nuts all the time -

it's the sheer inability to sit- breath- be "sure" of anything for more than five minutes before it changes out from under us- sometimes our own emotions as well.

our stinkin life in the mlc tornado-

get picked up - twirled around - slammed into a tree- more twirling please - hit the ground, etc.

hang on and hope it's an okay day.

xxo