Hi Tad, sorry to hear about your mother, I've read your situation and your relationship with your mother, I believe nows the time to get really close to her. And hopefully you will both get a healing. I sense in you some form of a rejection issue from the very distant past. I suffered with a rejection issue for over 40 years, but I believe it's now been sorted out!
Love and Best Wishes to you and your family. And please send my love to your Mum.
I am so sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. Having just gone through this myself (the news came only two months after BD) I know how hard these next few months will be for you and your family.
During my parent's illness, I received very little support from my xSO. So I drew my support from others who all needed to draw support from me. I don't know if you have a large extended family or if you are an only child, but much responsibility will fall to you. Be as present as you can while she is able to function. Try (I know how hard it is) to forget about what your ex-W is doing. Keep your children informed of thier grandmother's progress, if they are not able to visit.
Laugh when you can; your mother will appreciate it as well. Let her take the lead.
If your ex-W wants to ask your children how their grandmother is doing, let her. They may need to talk about it. There is no propriety over grief. Don't insist that she talk to you. Antonia's post is spot-on.
This is going to be hard, Tad. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother.
Right now...you and every one around you need to remain positive.
As for your xw...
Everyone has given you good advice. Focus on you and your mom. Leave her alone.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sorry to hear this TAD, my father has been in this type of condition for the last 3 1/2 years and I understand how difficult it is.
Going to put a quote from your last thread here
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I'm just posting this here as a reference for everyone, even though I know you started a new thread, tad.
I think many people have heard about the "7 year itch" and some may understand that people, in their adult lives, go through "transitions" every 7 to 10 years, give or take. Those transitions can often include re-making themselves, including some behaviours.
That said, once a person makes a lucid choice to become "version 2" of themselves, they are going to stick with it, own it, embrace it... for likely the next 7 to 10 years... until their next transition.
If we look at MLC as being a transition, just in crises, the same can hold true. If someone comes out of transition, or what an LBS and others might think as "stuck" (because they are continuing to be someone that we don't recognize), it holds to reason that it can take 7 to 10 years before they decide, in their next "normal" transition, to return back to a person we more recognize. At that next transition, they may come to realize what they have done in the past (their behaviour during MLC and "after") was inappropriate.
Thanks Cadet... sometimes I post stuff that actually makes sense...
Tad, I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. My mother has been in the hospital for the past week due to some extreme pain in her hip. Dr.s still don't know what it is and I don't think any of us want to fear the worst. It will be really good for you to spend the time you can with your mom and also do your best to encourage your kids to visit as often as they can, without pressuring them too much to do so.
On what KML said, I do hope that you take that option for alternative treatment into consideration. At the very least, if no other treatment is available except for the "clinically unproven"... well... what is there to loose?
Thanks everyone. Mom seems to be in good spirits. I mentioned the treatments above to her and she told me that she would be open to anything. She has a meeting with her doctor next week to discuss treatment options. She is upbeat. She says that she is fine with whatever the outcome might be.
As for me, I just don't know. To be honest, sometimes I feel like just throwing in the towel. I mean, I just don't know. Life just seems like one loss after another. I'm tired of losing.
The situation with my mom has actually taken some of my energy off of my sitch, but things still are bothering me. I think it is because her wedding is now just two weeks away. I guess in two weeks, my story here will come to an end and I will be declared the loser.
She is still bragging all over FB and it bothers me. It shouldn't but it does. I know, it has been over 2 and a half years. I just wish everything would just stop. Go ahead, tell me how pathetic I am....I know.
Lately, I have some really good days, but maybe I'm not as far along as I thought. The anxiety isn't as frequent, but it is twice as bad when I do have it.
I came on here today to vent, but I really don't have much more to say except that mom is doing well, X is doing FABULOUS and I'm just......here.
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Tad I've never posted on your thread before, but I wanted to let you know I have those moments too. I think we all do. But the thing is to just breathe. You don't know if your X is truly happy. It could be all an act. She might think she's happy, but just be in la la land.
I will tell you FB is the devil. It's all one big "one up" on your so-called friend's. Ignore FB. I am lucky my H is not on FB. I would occasionally see a post from H's family regarding the OW, but I think she is off FB now flowing H's orders because things were getting posted that I was using against him in court.
Hang in there Tad. We need to all pull for each other.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Boy, do I understand. I, too, have a sick mom. There are days when I want to give up because my life isn't working. No matter what I do it doesn't get better. Dealing with lingering stress and grief can start to feel like a way of life. Don't let it. Find a way to nurture yourself back to good emotional health.
Society must be really tough on a grieving man's soul. I see it with my boys. They don't receive near the compassion that I do. I have wonderful friends that give me big hugs, little gifts, encouraging words, etc. Outside of our family my boys don't receive anything. They go through each day hiding their feelings, but inside I know they're crying.
I remember from earlier posts that you once had a career you loved. Is it possible that your joy and self worth partly disappeared with your career and not just your marriage? You've had two major losses, but which one is really keeping you from recovery?
Please don't continue to sabotage your happiness with fb. It's not good for you so don't go back for more.
Tad, you are not going to be declared a loser and your story doesn't stop here. You're story is still being written. Keep turning the page. You never know what will happen next.
Thanks everyone. Mom seems to be in good spirits. I mentioned the treatments above to her and she told me that she would be open to anything. She has a meeting with her doctor next week to discuss treatment options. She is upbeat. She says that she is fine with whatever the outcome might be. VERY Sorry to hear about your mom. My mom has rapidly accelerating dementia and they call it the "Long Goodbye." My dad got cancer in his liver and died in 8 weeks, lucid til the end.
I don't know which is easier b/c both sure sukk...very sorry.
The death of a parent is an UNDER RATED event.
For you to even be talking R talk with your EX wife is pretty much some form of denial on your end about what really matters now.
or you are addicted to your target of misery (ie your EX wife...).
But even if you have the world's smoothest R with your mom AND strong faith
I would still focus ONLY ON HER NOW...
As for me, I just don't know. To be honest, sometimes I feel like just throwing in the towel. I mean, I just don't know. Life just seems like one loss after another. I'm tired of losing. If you were truly GAL you would have a lot of "GAINS" to add in your life's scorecard. You are a healthy employed man in the US of A...go travel to Africa if you need reminding of how lucky you are.
You have dragged on with the whole "woe is me WHY did she leave???" for so long now I have to assume it's a trait of yours.
was that part of why she left but she does not want to tell you that right now?
She MAY feel guilt about leaving. Even if she did it for "the right reasons" it can't feel good to hurt someone.
But she may also want to be easy on you at this time.
Saying "i was bored so I left & then met OM" sounds shallow, but saying "YOU bored me" sounds worse. Stop asking her why. There is simply NO ANSWER to that question that can help you in any way.
Read that^^ again please...and stop asking her and stop thinking about her or her wedding or putting your sons in terribly awkward, unfair to THEM positions.
Are they allowed to see their mom get married without feeling a dumpload of guilt from you? Can they have fun?
Are you going to GAL that weekend or stay home...waiting...???
The situation with my mom has actually taken some of my energy off of my sitch, Dear God I should hope so!!! ...
but things still are bothering me. I think it is because her wedding is now just two weeks away. I guess in two weeks, my story here will come to an end and I will be declared the loser. Your "PMA" needs an overhaul...big time.
Hard to see these types of comments from you at this point.
Are the anti depressants helping at all? My guess is you need an adjustment. No offense meant
She is still bragging all over FB and it bothers me. It shouldn't but it does.
It shouldn't "but it does". When will you see these "events" as CHOICES YOU MAKE b/c that is all they are. You choose to wallow for reasons unknown to me. Get off facebook. There, problem solved...2 and half years and you still here about her there? Man, it would take me 2 weeks...
I know, it has been over 2 and a half years. I just wish everything would just stop. Go ahead, tell me how pathetic I am....I know. seriously? Snap out of this, be a decent man and a good son. Go be with your mother!
Lately, I have some really good days, but maybe I'm not as far along as I thought. The anxiety isn't as frequent, but it is twice as bad when I do have it.
I came on here today to vent, but I really don't have much more to say except that mom is doing well, X is doing FABULOUS and I'm just......here.
nothing to add to YOUR situation that you can hear anymore...
But what KML (?) said about cannabis is true. I'm not here preaching "it's party time!!"
but the reality is that it DOES help MS, some cases of Lou Gehrig's disease and yes some forms of cancer. Also some brain tumors.
My h is an MD and wishes the DEA would allow him more leeway as a pain management physician. But it's a bear for him being in a federal facility at the moment.
The latest research will probably lead to it being legal for medical purposes, but do what you can for her now,
or you will feel a lot more like a "loser" than you can imagine. So now,
GO Show up for your mom.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
for some 25 years your mother was her MIL and is the grandmother of her sons.
Your Xw has some good memories and bonding with her mil, so don't assume this has much to do with you'
and don't make it about you. Let them reconnect if they've been apart.
I hated the idea of losing all my inlaws if my h and I divorced.
My brother and his wife divorced a decade ago. She and I were like sisters and when he filed, I vowed to stay close. We have.
We vacation together every other year and speak often...my brother has never mentioned it bothering him.
IT is not about her hurting you. It's about YOUR MOM and HER relationships with the people in Her life...
I hope you'll read up on Cancer and Kubler Ross's book on Death and Dying. It helps a lot.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
