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Hey Nero ~

I know you don't mean it to be funny, but every time you use the word "boinking", it makes me laugh

Yes, they can be selfish and rude. The cheating is just the icing on the MLC cake.

I remember trying to have everything "just so" so that H might actually love his home again.

Then I got to the point where I was like - screw him - he may no longer love our home, but I love it and love taking care of it. I really don't give a sh!t if he notices or not.

But after all this time, I think he is beginning to notice. He thanked me one day for putting a clean towel in his bathroom! I've only been doing that for 11 years lol! Then again, I wonder if they have noticed stuff we do the whole time, but just don't say anything?

Anyway - sounds like you may need a nero dance party - maybe a little "Groove is in the Heart" will pick up your PMA!

Onward and upward girl!

hey hi-

i laugh myself about boinking- lets get real. there's LOVE - there's REAL LIFE - there's SEX - with L and without. there/s excitement- there's contentment- there's tons and tons of stuff making up a r and a m and a life than just being excited about geting boinked.

ta da

i'm thinking afteryesterday that this guy's mlc is plunging me into "replay" because now or then i think of something ancient and stashed away in the dead letter office of my mind- and then i look at it with full knowledge - or with irritation and think - WHAT THE HECK am i going back TEHRE FORE???

IT'S wierd and i hope serioyusly that i don't get into some wierd mlc myself.

i can get the whole thing of someone coming along making you feel wonderful and you go sex-bonkers. whoopee

i want my own freak out- i wanna have fun first and rest oflife next-

i wanna be 18 again also, btw.

i've alwasy had a good time in life- i can't look back and remember the terrible times - guess i just let them slip away. good or bad? idk -

last few years are my biggest most deadly brush with serioys misery. i don't think i ever want to go there again-

i can see how my dad's death amd takin care of him could have soured my mother from ever even wanting to love anybody- give them a chance or get married again.

BUT = that's a long long time (since 1969) for a woman to just be on her own and have nobody to love or share her life with. yeah- i know, us kids. perhaps we were a giant burden as well, the whole "responsibility" for us thing i think ground her down- oh well- huh??? people's lives

now that i'm here- i don't have anything of note to say-

glad to entertain you. we need to laugh- even when it's painful stuff- if we don't i'm afraid we all become glum and depressed and just becomg other people that we are not.

xxoo hope your day is great - no kidding.

Hi Nero

Hey my sun loving friend. We, are not loving the sun here too much, it’s a little chilly and I love it.

You sound good, like your coming into your own sense of where your at with your gone but not gone H.

We are not going to revisit the misery anymore and we need to crawl out of this last bit of yuck were sitting on. How can we give nut balls like our H’s such power over how we feel? My H feels fine as long as he is avoiding, drinking, or smoking, I don’t want any part of that.

Nice look at what you want your life to look like, with your garden, and sun with a face!

My life looks like me participating in my life once again, fit and pretty, working and coming home happily to my kids, my g-son, and my dog who really does L me tho my S22 says dogs don’t L, hum I don’t buy it!

My new quilt is on my bed (because there’s no H to always thro it on the floor) and plans for the coming weekend to get out and GAL!

If someday or somehow H want’s to be a part of that plan he has a small window left before I slam it down on his hands. Wow, that would be a lot of work on his part, no real believing in that, and that’s going to be ok!

september is still a long way off. so don't be too bummed or scared by 'FINALITY" - it may or may not be.

Your right, the one reason I don’t like telling people things is because you then feel kinda obligated to go thru with it, but here nobody treat you like that, thanks!

I hope your as good as you sound, you are a kick! I’m so glad I met you and everyone here is really there for you when you really need it, so don’t disappear Nero.

<3 dm

hey hi yourself

we're such big girls these days- i love it and hate it. it's sad but uplifting somehow too - huh?

i agree - never again- that sort of misery. my buddy yesterday on phone - her h had a mlc- he's a ship captain and gone all the time- she raised kids on her own pretty much, etc. - he had his mlc- she had given lawyer a downpayment- gotten him to buy her a house in nc (to stay around family when he was gone- BUT REALLY her place to go live because she was leavin him) decision made. She had rented a storage unit for extra furhiture- and somehow due to a hurricane (can't remember exact sitch) it turned aorund. she stayed- he is recommitted- she says she'll never feel the same old love- but she's pretty committed too - and she'll never allow herself to feel THAT again. this true story that fell in my lap out of the blue- it's interesting - people's STORIES in life.

she did it on her own just going with her gut - the stuff she says is EXACTLY what mwd says do- maybe alot is instinctual if you don't let your anger or emotions make you explode-ANYWAY- it's a good success story - i like hearing it.

ANYWAY AGAIN -

I BEG TO DIFFER also- dogs do love- men are merely jealous of something they cannot understand- love til the bitter f'ing end- blind, total, you know- women & dogs. i'm not offended by the comparison at all- my thinking is they possess soemthing we all should aspire to - a sort of purity of emotion that is not clouded by almost anything. like a child's love. it's adults that screw children up and turn them this way or that- i'm pretty sure. i'm like a dog- treat me kindly and feed me and i'm yours forever. too bad this dog had to learn this lesson the hard way.

i do think even dogs can feel your anger or dis-loyalty. hey- like that elephant clip on tv when he pickes up his stinking handler of many years and throws him against the wall. i like it- i relate- even the stinking elephant HAD ENOUGH. IT Makes me smile when i think about even animals having their limit. (aren't i a sad & wacked out bundle of whatever???) poor old handler- shoulda been nicer. it's sooooo little for anyone to ask isn't it>>>???

oh well huh- i keep thinking i should get a dog- but then those old committment issues raise their ugly head - idk- how do you continue to have an "issue" if you can see it clearly??? you'd think it would "pop" it like a soap bubble...

wouldn't ya? spontaneous cure-ation if you can recognize the NEUROSIS? oh well- workin on that all...



yupper - i just don't care anymore what "they" say/think. honestly

this mlc took any secretive issues i had and blew them to he!! - talk about feelin like i was goin down and needed a hand- i don't even care. anyone who likes me is going to have to deal with h in my life if he stays there- or not say "i told you so" if he doesn't. but i don't give a d@mn really what any of them think or "have to" say.

i'm the guy sitting there all alone all the time- it's my stinkin life & survival here. if i can figure it out properly- i'm doin what's good for me. if i screw it all up totally- i'm the one takin the lumps. who deserves an opinion of that all besides me?

i've always had red hair curly (from day one it makes you know you're different - so you HAVE to find your own way to feel good about who you are - or be a freak) . sounds dramatic doesn't it? but honestly- in the 50s you needed straight blond or brown hair or die.... (I was THE ONLY red haired kid i knew of in grammer school - ONLY) not to mention my beautrifdul, petite constant sidekick. makes you find who you are and what YOU have to offer the world pretty darn quick - the sheer comparisons alllllll the time. (2nd of 5 girls) (over achieving older sister) (i'm guessing it's why i'm an independent spirited kinda gal) (and i like to laugh more than ANYONE in my family- what a bunch of serious women- what a major drrag of a way to go thru life) i NEED to laugh every day or die maybe...

ALL THAT REALLY matters is that we can look ourselves in the eye and feel okay about our decisions/actions and $crew anyone else and their opinion. honestly- i just don't care what i've told who- i am amazed at the brilliant supportiveness of some girlfeinds. my sisters- more back-biting & wierdness than i'd have thought. An eye opener- a hedk of alot more judgement. tho, i have to say, it's my mom's catholic upbringing maybe - she's judgment central. i just don't give one d@mn what she thinks of me either (but realize she can still psh my buttons or hurt my feelings - always a surprise when your mom doesn't want the best for you or is jealous!) - saddish - but i've gotta save myself from those who want to pick away and destroy you one bit at a time (or subjugate me , whatever the heck it is) . i can't fathom where it comes from- i just know how it feels. maybe it's them having their own survival technique from feeling inadequate or soemthing. the need to keep someone else perfectly good 'DOWN" , WHAT? "where they belong"??? i can't figure this one- it's sick i feel

i don't even care anymore- her journey. h too- his phycosis i think.

and also that me, i have to keep a safe distance & shield myself from it. i'd never ever tell my mother ANYTHING about my feelings, life, etc. her in particular- she'd save me if i were bleeding or needed somewhere to live (physical help) - but her mouth & what she says is awful - anyone else- don't care.


EVEN THO I'VE never been gracious at being bossed - too darn independent. i can see how i've become a bit "cowed" in this r, in this m. talk about losing your identify- wah wah- poor old not-h, losing himself. what the he!! abbout me??? lost and treading water for years while he dishes out the crappola.

i look bck and can't even imagine how the heck i got to be her. fog clearing on that a bit- I CAN DOIT - RECAPTURE my me-ness. i'm just sayin no to that all.

well, i take that back- i can easily see my own insecurity about my dad dying and whole family (mom & five daughers) plunged into a vastly insecure & differnt life (and poor as pooh) to boot. oh well huh???

so i'm thinking my h always had the money (and therefore the "power") (his house, h is life, his career supporting us) i let it be that and bought into it all the way. my upbringing. who knew he wasn't "father knows best" kinda guy.

i'd never met anyone that screwedup in their emotions and homelife.

i do have some serioyus money issues - thankfully i'm the worlds biggest "saver" - either smart or fear motivated. i'm okay with that-

it'll be interestring to see how it all plays out in the end- i don't honestly think i'm afraid of being homeless. i've been looking at alllllll the many many bums living around us down here- there are quite alot- ya just find a covered kidn of doorway (usually a business empty at nights) to sleep in- put your junk in a shopping cart (tho, i think i'm going to go with possessionless - except sun hat & sunscreen somehow so i don't bake alive if it's here) and find a dunkin doughnuts that th rows out the donuts at end of day. or somewhere- saw giant bags of popcorn once outside back of movie house- i could live on that! the popcorn diet. i don't think it scares me- somehow fcing the worst thing and coming out (well not yet) dead-

maybe i'll be free going forward and fearless of anything that could transpire- howlong can a girl be afraid? it loses it's juju

ok - i'm outta here- better wak before sun too hot- h visiting his old aunt she's jacking him allover theplace- what the heck is it that would make someone really weak and old & needy- beat up on the one person they have coming around? is it showing themselves they're still tough? is it some sick human trait - hating the one you need the most?

OH MAN- I THINK I'M ON TO SOMETHING THERE- THE DESPISING THE ONE YOU ARE FORCED TO ASK FOR HELP...

they become the enemy because they see your soft underside? or have power over you????

im going with that.

have a wonderful day- OH YEAH- I'M SAYIN THIS AND I MEAN IT. YOU AND I ARE GONNA MEET UP AND PROBABLY BE BUDDIES FOR ETERNITY. IF NOT HERE- THRU E-MAILS AND who the heck says we can'tvisit???/ it's been a wierd and tough ride this mlc junk- if dopey old college roomates form a bond that lasts forever- why not this? it's a wierd but powerful thing isn't it- riding thru this awful episode in our lives???

so no fear i'll disappear- i have a notion this journey is going to become a formative thing for both of us- part of who we are/become- soooooo - ta da - we'll al ways know each other and keep tabs on what the heck is up.

so say we all.

xxoo now i need to go say hi to linda and make sure she's perking along as well - i hope i'm as good as i sound too.

i don't know why im okay being here- maybe just habit of years- still awaiting h announcing he's goingf on a trip and see if my head explodes. maybe i'll be pleasantly surprised and say "whatever". one hopes & fingers crossed.... that im half the man i want to be when the time comes - woo hoo

i don't know how you did it- do it with it all in your face all the time- no wonder you are power girl & DONE DONE DONE

Nero,


you are ONE in a million



Take care

hey wait-

whattya mean - exactly? is this a good thing? or should I be going over to the mirror for some sour searching or what???

eeeek

ya know gang-

just walking along for past half hour or so- baking along i should say- sun getting high-

and thinking - me, all powerful & "who i am" , etc - walkin along.

and i'm thinking what in the world is going on with people who NEED to chip & chop other people down to feel good.

as opposed to hand out some feel-good & positive outlook about themselves - to make them feel good- which results in us feelin good.

I'M THINKING the whole struggle in life across the board may be that one thing-

people who want someone else to feel good about themselves- and people who want other people to feel badly about themselves.

i'm assuming there's a very good reason for both-

aside from each side's particular neurosis maybe of it being a big "upper" to make someone smile and feel good- it sort of radiates back on ya- so you feel good and want to smile too- you know, like a good joke or something truly funny & finding someone to share the laugh -

on the other hand- what the heck radiates back onto those who hand out sour-puss-ieness and criticism. i'm not thinking it's sunshine-

WHAT could they possibly be getting back from it all???? makes them feel big to make someone "lesser" squirm. i got nothin on this all..

i'm, just sayin. if it makes us dopey and it seems "they" criticize people who want to be liked and are crowd pleasers.

it's a very nice gob of feedback usually- being GLAD to please - i'm not saying kiss butt or really be icky sweet- i'm just sayin (laugh & the world laughs with you- cry and you cry alone - rite_) or sompthin

so- does it make me psycho? or what

i don't see myself changing and i reallly BELIEVE , at the end of the day, that it's important to get along with the world around us- including the people. no matter how wierd or jacked up they may be - everyone has some "story" and soemtimes it has a nugget of true wisdom in it - somewhere.. if ya look or can stand to listen.

that's it.

my usual "quandry" in life- i'm talkin bottom line here- not all the clap trap in magazines and all that feel good junk-

i'm wondering really- deep inside- what the heck is goin on with people???

i'm also thinking WHY DOESN'T THERE EXIST A PERFECT RECIPE FOR NO-FAIL FUDGE - I WANT VANILLA CHOC. CHIP - LIKE YA buy at the fudge shops at the shore for a ridiculously high price- but it's sooooo good you can die - and have to eat every morsel immediately.

of course- its so darn expensive that is not a bigh problem- open- bite- done. umnnn

i tried a few times - it was total pooh - don't even ask how you can screw up fudge- i'm even not so bad a baker- but for better or worse - i'm gonna conquer the fudge thing (and soon)somehow

and i'm also thinking- why isn't there a very very simple- recipe for peanut butter cookies that does not require margerine or butter - and how come i cannot find any darn margerine down here that is 100% oil??? anymore.

if the world were less concerned with stupid old margerine (and health preaching) and just let it be (100%) as it should be-

and chopped meat was just ole chopped meat - 100% or 80% lean is perfectly good enough. ":THEY " HAVE changed a lovely old home-made burger into a thing of the past because we can't even get some good old (rarely but a treat nevertheless) hamburger meat that actually tastes like it should rather than a blob of wallpaper paste with paper mache mixed in- yuck.

what is the world cming to????? more manners please !! and less judegement and more fat please!!! and ability to make the darn call yourself - instead of "whoeverthehell" making that decision for us. where is the faith in people to make a good decision- all this nagging from every corner of the universe- like do americans have brains at all anymore???or do they REALALY NEEEEDDDDD every single magazine, news story, show telling them what we allllll know- eat less, exercise more and have moderation.

ta da- oh man- if i'm not w2isdom girl today - idk what!!

thanks alot

xxoo no-ot too crazy at all. i'm just sayhin

okay- i'm goin out on a limb here and predictring that my h's crabby mood today-

he's trying to screw up his courage becaue now that his aunt is home from hospital and safely planted with a nursemaid at home- he can go boink his lover woman - get a fix of youth - reallove- masculinity- power - you know, the REAL reason for his existence (ick ick ick - )

whattya bet-???

me- still planning to be cool as a cucumber- we'll see huh.

temper??? anger??? who - me???

Nero,

I believe your anger is already ready to go, it's just waiting for the whistle.

Here's what I do. I look at him and say what am I really missing out on if he were not to leave. Dinner, talks, walks, respect, flowers, ML, tenderness, nooooo!

He is a user looking for something to dump his frustrations onto, so why would you want that to be you. It's nothing, meaningless and you are so much better to not be treated that way. If you were dumb to the issue you would be fine, but you know, so why would you want his lies, and ick around you.

Look at him and say, Nero...you could do so much better, this is not your H so why cry over an alien. Understand your still wanting and crying over what was, as time goes on and you really look at them you can see how long ago that really was, it's not there anymore.

I wish they sold temporary silent drops we can take just before we know we may burst, it's not worth it in the end, they feel no pain, and now your a puddle.

stay strong!!!

Nero, I agree with you completely.

I feel the same way regarding people. I am a simple girl. Doesnt take much to make me happy.

I try real hard to do the right thing. I am nice to everyone. I try to live a life of dignity and believe everyone should laugh each day.

And I often wonder why people are the way they are. What do they get out of making others miserable? What do they gain from being so mean?

I've decided that it is something severly lacking in them. All of them.

It is so much easier to just live your life. It is easier to be kind and friendly and helpful. Easier to not judge and live and let live, isnt it?

So, I feel sorry for the lot of them. It must feel awful at some point to realize that all the stuff they've done has brought them nothing. They are no happier, nor fulfilled.

But I have also decide that I will not allow them to rain on my parade. I continue to live my life the way I choose to and let them all blow in the wind.

Now, I want to assure you that neither I or Princess Rosa are ax murderers. Though my hair can get a little crazy in bad weather, too.

And it makes me smile to think we are going to all meet. A great big smile.

I want you to imagine, if he comes to tell you what you dont want to hear, the three of us laughing and eating without a care in the world.

Nero, it is his loss all the way around. Believe that. His loss. There isnt anyone else like you in the world. I feel sorry for him.