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Hi Mr. Bond,

To elaborate on the fights involving his parents, his mother hates me. She has come to our apartment and tried to kick me out, she has told me to my face I make her son unhappy, she didn't even want me at her house after we got married. She places pictures of my H and his ex-girlfriend around her house with none of me. She speaks only Russian in front of me yet says my name constantly even though she can speak perfectly comprehensible English. She doesn't like me because she says she knows I will pass on my bipolar disorder to her grandchildren and ruin them. We've spoke to a doctor prior to marriage who told us the odds are very low occurrence. I usually argue with H telling him he needs to stand up for me more. But, I realize I also need to stand up for myself more. I do know this is putting him in the middle. I just can't believe someone could be so nasty to me for something I have no control over. That's what I meant by forgiveness, sorry I know I sometimes go all over the place. I think I hold a lot of resentment towards his mother because of how she treats me, and I sometimes hate that he doesn't stand up for me. I guess I need to forgive how she is, and not dwell over why she treats me that way.

About the moving out of state thing, I'm not settled in it so much to give up my marriage, yet. It's more than just money. I say yet because I do want to continue on to get my PhD and there are some schools that are better versed in my field than others. UCLA is here which is a great school, but again that would require us to remain in Los Angeles costing more money. (Basically I would have to get a full time job to afford it out here and couldn't go to the PhD program) I have had a dream to get my PhD for years, and I haven't decided if it's more important than my marriage. If we could find a great school in California in a lower income area that would be great, but I'm having trouble finding that. PhD programs can take 5-7 years so it's a place that would require a huge mount of investment. This has got to be one of my top three dreams, and I'm not sure I'm willing to give it up. He just wants to stay out here so we can stay close with his parents. My parents are out here too, but I know they would want me to pursue my dreams rather than stay for them. I really have to think about this one, because it's a huge thing to give up. To clarify, they do give you stipends in the PhD programs, but the stipends are enough to live off only in some states, and others not so much. I could take out a loan and stay here but going into further debt is not really something I want to do.

You are spot on about us being two strong personalities. We are both stubborn as can be. I think that's one of the reasons we bud heads so much. We went to MC when our marriage was better about two times, but he no longer wanted to go. We both fail in the compromise department, and I've identified this problem long ago. I realize sometimes I fail to see easy solutions because I have no idea how to compromise, nor does he. Both our parents were poor models in that department. I wanted to continue going to MC so that I could get better at communication with him, but he simply wasn't interested. Maybe I should have continued with the MC alone? I'm still in IC, but her specialty isn't marriage therapy. I wonder if it would be beneficial to find someone who specializes in MC and try them...I just don't know. Also, there were times I would try to spend time with him, but I would fail to be consistent with it. Now he doesn't want to spend time with me so there's no changing that right now.

Sorry for all the word vomit. I don't know how to be concise sometimes. English was never my best subject.

"I realize sometimes I fail to see easy solutions because I have no idea how to compromise, nor does he."

I think it stems from the fact that both of you feel a need to be 'right'. Well guess what? If one person is 'right' then the other is 'wrong' and neither of you want to be the one who is 'wrong'.

There is never anyone who is right and another who is wrong. There are only differing points of view. What the two of you don't understand is that one person's opinion is no more or less important than the others.

Here's a very simple communication tactic. When he tries to get his point across, just listen, then repeat what he said ("so you're saying that ...."), and validate ("I understand what you mean."). Typical DB 101. The thing is that many times you don't want to be right, you just want to be HEARD.

Mr. Bond it's funny you said it's not about who is right, because the other day H wrote me a text referring to a past conversation stating "we'll wait and see who is right." I wrote back saying it's not about who's right, but about how we feel. He seemed in a better mood after I wrote that. I guess he does need some validation that I've neglected to give.

In terms of myself, I haven't been losing weight on a set goal, so I joined Myfitnesspal website to see if it's any good. I usually do good on diets when I keep a journal of calories. It's not that I am tempted to eat food, it's simply the fact I lose track of calories. If I can consistently keep track, I think I'll have a better time getting more weight lost in a better time frame. I'm rather short (5'4) so being even over 50 pounds overweight is obese. I want to get out of the obese range before my 29th birthday. I want to feel good and confident when I go out.
I will be home in 3 days. I'm getting an array of emotions. I'm going from not caring, to wanting to text H. I've resisted thus far, but man it's hard! I'm glad I have resisted and am slowly learning to focus more on myself. I realize the importance of doing that, but it's hard to take a 180. Patience, Patience, patience! I guess my next goal is to learn patience. Living with H is stressful because I feel like I'm hated. I don't like it at all.

Lostinpain,
I too want to thank you for your posts. It really does make it a little easier to deal with the pain when you know that others are going through, AND SURVIVING similar pain.

Thanks again and stay strong, you are understood here.

"Living with H is stressful because I feel like I'm hated. I don't like it at all."

I don't think you're "hated". I just think that your H is tired of arguing with you about seeing who is right and who is wrong.

Journaling:

Got back home from small little Iowa to busy LAX. Man was that a hard change after so many weeks. I texted H letting him know I can take a taxi but he said he would pick me up to save money on a cab. I was excited to see him until I saw him. He was still quiet and distant. He told me he was going to move to a friend's house today until he could find an apartment. He packed a suitcase of clothes and left everything else here. I thought I would be more emotional about it, but I just don't feel anything right now. I did backslide a little last night: I told him if he felt like he wanted divorce, don't stop on account of my feelings and go to the lawyer. I didn't say it in a bitter tone, but I have no idea why I said that. I've never been one to enjoy limbo. I'm a rip off the band-aid kind of person. He just told me he wasn't going to talk about our marriage and if I did continue he would sleep in the car. I didn't want that so I just went to bed.

While I was away he decided to remove all the pictures around our apartment of us together. He said he didn't want to look at them. I thought they reminded me more of the happy memories than of the sad, but I didn't really say much about it but to ask him where they were. He made the bed (something he never does), and kept my potato plant alive on our balcony while I was away. Really shocked he did anything. I didn't want to read too much into he really cares about me, so I just dismissed it as him softening the blow of moving out. (In the science world you're trained to be a cynic). I thanked him for watching over the apartment and cats while I was gone, and he said it was his apartment too so don't think anything about it.

I feel like at this point I almost want to go out find a lawyer and just be done with the whole thing. I know that's probably a temporary feeling, so I'm going to focus on other things while I let that idea set for awhile. Also, he's been supporting me since we've got married. I would need to find a job (a real one that doesn't pay crap) first before going off to a lawyer's office. I need to prepare for the worst situation in case we do end up splitting, and I need some rent money in the bank. I've decided to use the time until I get a job to just improve on myself, and it will give him more time to figure out his feelings. There will be no running out filing with a lawyer until I got all my ducks in a row, and I'm 100% sure this is what I want. Those times are both far away from now, so I need to focus on the present.

My sister is finally moving to LA this week so I'm super excited. We're going apartment haunting this week and I'll be dragging her stuff from up North and making her new place all girly. I love decorating. I also love the prospect that I can spend weekends with her more often now. I'm really close to my sister so this is good timing for a distraction if I ever needed one more.

Having a great time with sister. I needed to get sister on our family line as she had no credit and it would be a lot cheaper just joining our plan. H is the primary account holder so he had to meet us at the store to get the line for her. I focused on talking to my sister and joked around with her while H moped there. He then started to initiate talk with me, and I gave him short answers. After we got sister's phone H asked if we wanted to get lunch. He paid for it, we ate, and left. He said he was going to stop by our apartment to say hi to the cats while we kept looking for sister's apartment. He also mentioned that the energy at his friend's house is low. He gets bored being there with such a quiet guy. I thought you wanted to be alone so you got what you want? Hmmm....

There's a lot to keep me busy lately. As soon as sister gets settled in I'm looking forward to weekends together. We can explore LA, as even being here a few years I still feel like I haven't been much of anywhere. I guess that's part of my introvert side. I'm having a good week!

Just a bad day but not the end of the world. I will not let it ruin my week. I got a flat today, and also, my lab paychecks were lost while I was out so I had no money to pay bills today. Just a really cluster-something day. I finally broke down and called my parents, feeling a bit like a loser, asking for money and how to fix a flat tire.

I originally called H to help with flat as I was so used to him coming to help me without hesitation. He said "oh that [censored].Also, I have no money to give you. (yeah right, but whatever)." and that was about the extent of his help. So I tried fixing the flat, but was too weak to get the hub things off. Several people drove by but I guess I'm not sexy enough to bother anyone for a few minutes of help. So I just drove very slow back home and will get it fixed tomorrow.

When I got home, I started to type up all these angry texts to H saying how disappointed I was, screw him for not helping me...blah blah blah. And then I deleted them all before sending. And I decided to sit down cry a bit, vent on here, and get it out of my system. It's just a bad day, and everyone gets them. H doesn't need to know how bad my life is going sometimes. So now I'm just going to make dinner and relax with a movie.

Thank you for letting me vent! I love all the internet poseters here, even though I've met none of you.

I need some legal advice/ experiences I guess? (Also a bit of a personal rant, scroll to the last paragraph if you want to skip that :))

So I've been looking for jobs like mad for the last two weeks or so (since I've got back from my grandma's house), and the job market is rough, even in LA. I've even been applying to jobs that have been below my ideal income. Money is money. I'm either over or under qualified. I've sent out about 50 resumes in this short time period with only one type of job offer, sales marketing ...caller. I've took up a job doing that right before college, and I can say that I'm by no means a salesperson, the hate that is spewed back really turns down a person's soul, and it's commissioned based almost always. I rather work at McDonalds, which at this point may not even hire me. It's been two weeks, and while many will say don't be discouraged, my lovely H has threw a curve ball my way to add to the stress pool.

He texted me a few days ago that since I allegedly am in a game against him to stay in our apartment, that he is no longer paying rent as of next month. (He's only paid once since I've came back). I texted him back and told him this is not about playing a game, I don't have the financial means to move anywhere else, I'm not moving back in with my parents two hours away because I would have to drive two hours to get to school everyday, and I would gladly show him the resumes I've sent out if he believed I was twiddling on my thumbs all day watching soap operas. Not to mention I've spent most of my time in lab at school trying to get some things to work so I can generate some grant money. The money they pay me at school is not enough for rent for one month in our current apartment, nor would it be enough for a security deposit in a cheaper one.
He then goes on this tidbit about how he regrets allowing the marriage to be unequal in the beginning, and that it was a factor in our separation...hold the phone! I was going to school when we met, paying my own tuition, and paying my own loans (still am). When we got married all my scholarships dropped because of my new income threshold due to being married. He even went on about how I should stay at home and take care of any children we might have, and that his job paid a good enough sum. When we were first married he was making $80k as a single guy living at home, now he makes more and he's still under the impression we're broke. We do have a [censored] ton of debt because he went off buying new sport cars and crashing them, buying ex-gfs nice jewelry, etc, proir to our marriage, but he's comparing himself to his parents who are even further well off. That was enough money to feed my family of five that I grew up with, so I'm not sure where he gets this us being broke, and he has no money for rent. Ever since we separated, he is broke, or so he claims to be. And it was always discussed I would finish my education, and the only qualm he has ever mentioned about it is my PhD, as it is 5-7 years long and I might not have time to raise a family. (I agreed with him on this point and told him we would see where we are when that time comes). I even carried a full-time job prior to marriage and he told me that I should quit it and focus on getting better grades in school... so I did. And, yes, I did get better grades as a result. But he's the one bringing it up to begin with. Anyway...sorry to rant. Getting back on track..
So I looked up legal options. Some suggested based on my amateur search on the webs, that a legal separation would make him assist in spousal support temporarily. I don't know how true that is in California. I mentioned it to him and he said that he didn't think a separation would be helpful to either of us. (I don't know if he's saying that because he doesn't want one, or he's worrying about his citizenship status based on our good faith marriage). He finally agreed to see a mediator, and consider legal separation if it might help me apply for some aid at school, or somewhere until I can find a job. Holy crap I have almost nothing in my name but my car. I might have to sleep in my lab.
So I'm really not trying to screw him over or take his money. I always prided myself in trying to be independent. My parents forced me to pay $500/rent a month while I was going to school full time and working a 40/50 hour a week job. I think this partly led to my deteriorating mental health because I was putting on way too much, but that's another story. I never got a great amount of additional help until I was married. So I want to do what is best for me at this point. Spouses out there who have been in a similar situation I would like to know what's the next step...what's going on with him and what do others suggest I do?

Thank you for all the advice !

Forget about him right now. Have you two drawn up any legal documents concerning payment? You should get that checked out right away.