Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Interesting times

Hello my friend. Happy Anniversary. It is still a day worth remembering.

And congrats to your son and his girl. Such happy news.

I agree with BMF, there is so much info out there and somewhere he is associated with your name.

As far as whether the news of the engagement will set him back, I am guessing it wont. Even though he is still stuck in the tunnel, I am thinking he is far enough out to realize that time is moving on.

My hope for you, my friend, is that he continues to reconnect with his children and that you and he one day have whatever kind of relationship will give you peace.

Hi, thanks so much for all the replies. I got back late last night from a great trip and found the mail.

Now I have't opened it. It comes from a specialist association that my husband has dealings with and I do not and never have. I also live in a different country from the association (my xh has a home there, and I do not). Sorry to be mysterious but I do not want to be identified.

Even if it is a marketing drive, I would not pop up on this data base. So it seems highly likely (nothing certain in this world except death - people seem to find ways around taxes LOL!) that they got teh address from my xh or someone close to him. I give it out to few people, and isn't easy to find.

I have had the house three years + and have never had a single piece of mail here for him until now, or at my previous address where I lived for three years also, while the divorce was going through - very occasional communication from him, but never, ever FOR him.

I am fairly sure he is still with OW2, and he has two homes of his own to get mail at, both of which he has owned for over 5 years, and which he can and does visit without OW (as well as with her)

The organisation that sent him the mail is one that he would have fairly regular contact with . . . . . and they sent it a high cost way, not normal surface mail, which is weird for a marketing drive . . . .and they are not a wealthy organisation. None of it makes sense, but I am curious, not obsessive.

Bea,
My take on your mail is that your xh gave them the address. It's his way of getting you to contact him when you receive mail for him. He has no other excuse to stay in contact w/you because your children are grown and you have detached to the point that he is having some difficulty truly reconnecting w/you.

I have had this happen many times over the years and my xh lives in another part of the state as well. The mail I receive now is brand new things and certainly not the type of mail he use to receive at my residence 14 years ago. BTW, I did the emails to him advising him of the mail and he would never change the addresses, so I had to take it upon myself to contact the organizations and have the address changed.

What I suggest you do is send it on to him via the postal system. You can also scratch out the address and put the correct one and drop it back into the mail. If you contact him by email, he will know then that's one way to get you to contact him and have a communication line going on. It's your decision how you want to handle it, but my money is on the fact that he's given your address to the organization.

well I hae had a bit of a think about this letter, and decided that since
1. It has never happened before
2. My youngest son just got engaged (and he will be at the sedding)

I will treat it like an error - that is, despite the evidence to the contrary, that this organisation made a genuine mistake in sending it to me, and email my xh to tell him that I have a letter here, and does he wish me to bin it or forward it?

Why not? I am not angry with him any more. Taking the line 'these things happen' is non passive aggressive, and as I will have to meet him at my son's wedding next year, I might as well be superficially friendly.

I honestly have no desire to open it, bin it without his say so, or return to sender. If it happens again, that is another matter.

For me, at present, behaving as if it is a error on someone'e part seems like the best option, and I am being uninvolved, and slightly helpful..

PS I have decided that it stems form my policy of treating people the way I would wish to be treated, not on how they behave towards me.

If a genuine error had resulted in a letter arriving at my xh's addresses, i would hope he would inform me so that I could rectify it. I tend to think this wasn't a mistake, but am acting as if it were.

Ah ha!!!! Got a reply - "mysterious" he says and could I forward it to his address. Not OW2, with whom I thought he lived . . . . .. is this a baroque way of trying to tell me something? I am bothered? not really.

hey bea-

you say: "Recovering our past is hard - that is the one thing that the MLCer really robs us of. It becomes unsafe - you wonder at what point they bailed, at what point it is all false? But then it comes not to matter, )"

and i want to glom onto your idea and say yes - wonder if they ever realize what they've done to another perfectly good person & their life? wonder if they ever get out of their own self ENOUGH to even think of the repercussions of their actions.

i'm thinking maybe not anymore. maybe it's a "kind of person you are"kind of thing. maybe the people who blam thru life leaving a wake of people whove been used by them (me) or hurt by them or whatever . i didn't want to presume to include you- idk your h and what he feels or felt-

i do assume alot these mlc people- i do believe it's a type of insanity- but then i think workaholic and alot of thigns tht are perfectly acceptable in our society are insanity too.

i thik it's just another acceptable thing to do and to be. i'm just sayin.

i don't have alot of philosophy about it- i just say yeah- how do we go back and reemmber alllll the lovely bits of our lives with them and 38 yrs of past life - and not also think it may all have been a sham. (well- ws to them anyway)

0h well- i aspire to your pma and apparent handle on it all.

i'm waaaaay "better" than when i began- it's sad as heck tho- all of it. i hope your anniv. day didn't make you too blue- all the little landmarks are sad , but i guess we're stuck with it all huh?

you're sounding like you're really movin past it all - so yay you and thanks for sharin it all- and yeah, he's probably havin stuff sent to you to keep some kidn of string on you an your life. soooo- what? is there some part of them that is just another human being like us? idk man

Hey my friend. I am with you. Treat people, even MLC ones, (LOL) the way I want to be treated so, I would have done the same.

Hmmm. Interesting about the letter. Who knows? Time will tell right?

Glad to hear you are not bothered.

Nero - it takes a lot of time to get past it all - like making good bread you can't really hurry it - if you do you get a fluffy and rather tasteless loaf LOL

And yes, I can now think quite kindly of him most of the time.

I agree about workaholics too - in fact the book I like so much 'The Search for the Real self' is all about our doing things that fulfill who we truly are, and that when we are disassociated from that we do all sorts of destructive and self destructive things. There is a world of difference between working hard at something you love, and being a compulsive workaholic.

Workaholics are all about them and their needs not about the job itself or the effect it has on others. We are social animals who must, as an imperative, consider others, and learn to live with them, and have our own and the needs of others recognised.

I realised that I am so over my xh that I can think of him with affection, as well as recognising the dreadful stuff he did to me and my children. He is both Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, and I can still find it in my heart to love Dr Jekyll although he is long gone, and locked up by Mr Hyde.

I wonder if he gave my address without even thinking about it and doesn't remember doing it, then again, data bases are odd things . . . just another of life's mysteries, but how good to have the network to share things with. I do not know what I would have done without this group of people - changing in cast but still there, supportive, and listening, and full of collective wisdom.

They truly are. Years ago my H started receiving letters addressed to

The Reverend H

H's never been a reverend or anything remotely close to it.

Sometimes flukey things just happen.

Kudos to you for taking the high road. I aspire to this as well, but find it easy to slip off those "soft shoulders" onto the low road. Sigh. Work in progress!

Peace!