I don't know about cards but I believe cemar's reference is to the "love bank" theory...
in relation to chapmans "the five love languages"
we each have our own ways of giving and receiving love (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time) one woman will be thrilled that her h vacuums the floor each week and that's enough for her if acts of service is her love language but if she's a physical touch gal and he's vacuuming instead of giving her a little sum sum well then he's waisting his time isn't he? or is he? wtf knows.
each time our partner speaks our language it is considered a deposit in our love bank.
so therefore sex (in the hd's case or the physical touch case) would be considered a deposit.
the more deposits you recieve the more likely you are to over look the withdrawals....
a tough line when what should be a deposit is suddenly look upon as a withdrawal...but that's pshychology for ya!
It's really not about sex for me, it's about the BIG picture, I need lot's of physical loving and touching (not just sex). But to me Love is almost entirely PHYSICAL. If it is not physical love, then we are companions, not LOVERS, and God knows I have absolutely no desire to be companions, Lovers is FAR better.
My wife I guess shows me love by keeping house, working finances, cooking, raising kids, BEING A GOOD MOTHER. THis is where the problems start, she is focused on being a mother, rather then FIRST focusing on being my LOVER. We should ALWAYS strive to make our spouses FIRST in our lives, even ahead of kids.
Now about the sex and me taking away lovebank points. I can spend an hour on foreplay and then she flips on her back and says, "OK, Let's take care of you". That just really ruins the moment for me. I still go ahead and swallow my pride and have sex with her, but it makes me feel REAL UNIMPORTANT to her. She is withdrawing Lovebank points even while having sex!
Quote: Now about the sex and me taking away lovebank points. I can spend an hour on foreplay and then she flips on her back and says, "OK, Let's take care of you". That just really ruins the moment for me. I still go ahead and swallow my pride and have sex with her, but it makes me feel REAL UNIMPORTANT to her. She is withdrawing Lovebank points even while having sex!
oh c'mon cemar at least she rolls over and let's you have your turn...most of us women get left wanting more just as our h's finish their business.
Since you say it's not so much about sex, why not try for more hugs and cuddles with no intent of it going further than that?
as far as putting your spouse above the kids? I think that's a hard concept for most women to swallow (no sexual inuendo intented). I of course understand it...heck the kids wont be around forever and if we dedicate all of ourselves to them and/or work well then what the heck will we do when they grow up and move on to their own lives??? become the pain in the a$$ mil that doesn't know how to let go of the child that is now an adult with it's own children?
ok I'll stop you're not the one who needs the lesson.
however cemar there may be a way that works for both...what if you for now accepted that the "family" is of first concern and put the "lover" on the back burner? you may find that w appreciates your "focus" on the family and therefore may be more receptive to being lovers?
Hey, she started reading the book! That's the good news. The bad news is that she is questioning Michelle's underlying proposition that the solution to addressing the desire discrepancy problems is having more sex. Well, of course I told her that was a gross oversimplification of Michelle's theory, and that she needed to read the whole book to give it all a chance to seep in. She said that I had a need to have sex to feel loved. Once again, I told her that she was oversimplifying, and that, by doing so, she was being dismissive of my views on this subject. I told her that I felt loved, but that I didn't feel as close to her, that I felt our marriage lacked intimacy, that I missed the feeling of her naked body next to mine, that I missed touching her breasts, etc. She said, "Why?"
Now, how are you supposed to answer such a coldly rational question about your feelings? "Well, dear, the seratonin levels in my amygdala are insufficient to bla bla bla". Or are you supposed to say "well dear, it's because my mother failed to nurture me sufficiently during my infancy because she bottle fed me, rather than breast fed me"?
Two intelligent people discussing (arguing) their positions, neither one wanting to budge.
I told her that, as the book says, our marriage, if this continues, is at risk for infidelity. She said, "if you do that, you're just avoiding addressing your problem." My problem, of course, is her view that I am obsessed with sex and need it in order to feel loved.
I figure I'll give her a couple of weeks, check to see if she's picked up the book and read any more of it, and then hit the subject again.
Great!!! She is reading it. I hope the best. H told me over a month ago he would read it and when I asked him the other day he got very defensive about it so all I said was, chill, I was just asking since he said he would read it.
Anyway, glad your W if at least reading, good luck
Wow! How to aurgue a case for sex with a lawyer! Tough one! I think maybe you need to give your wife another book to read. Michel's book does not touch it deeply enough, the deeply ingrained sexuality in men, it literally is part of their SOUL. Have your read "Secrets about Men Every Woman Should Know" ? Yea, I know it is written for the women, but I have read it and I consider this the perfect "OWNERS MANUAL" for me. It probably explains best the TRUE importance of male sexuality to a woman. I am guessing that most women have a REAL hard time comprehending male sexuality. They see sexuality as an ACT while to men it is their DEEPEST EMOTION. Connecting sexually to a man is similar to a women connecting with communication. Here is a link to the book at amazon:
Maybe you should read the one for men to understand women as well.
Dr. Laura's book, which I have not read yet, would also probably be a good source.
I see you also have a problem similar to mine, the wife sees it is your problem, not a COUPLES problem. Until she sees it as a problem you BOTH share, not much will happen.
Quote: My wife I guess shows me love by keeping house, working finances, cooking, raising kids, BEING A GOOD MOTHER. THis is where the problems start, she is focused on being a mother, rather then FIRST focusing on being my LOVER. We should ALWAYS strive to make our spouses FIRST in our lives, even ahead of kids.
Cemar, I totally agree with you on this point. It is very easy to let the demands of being a parent take over to the extend that the spouse becomes second best. I came across an article illustrating this point in one of the parenting websites. Its here . Maybe you could send your wife that article. Do you think she would get offended or defensive? Its really not difficult to take care of your H while looking after the kids even though its difficult and sometimes unrealistic to find time alone. I thoroughly enjoy giving my H a massage while reading to my toddler and so do the two of them!
Quote: I told her that, as the book says, our marriage, if this continues, is at risk for infidelity. She said, "if you do that, you're just avoiding addressing your problem." My problem, of course, is her view that I am obsessed with sex and need it in order to feel loved.
Wow! Is she willing to compromise with you AT ALL? I know you weren't impressed with counselling, but I think you need to ask your doctor for a recommended Marriage Counsellor or Sex Therapist. Her turning this around on you as if you're the one avoiding a problem is just mind boggling!
Hang in there Hairdog
She needs to have the ball in her court, where it belongs. The next time she says something like that, ask her for some recommendations and suggestions to help you overcome your need to make love to your wife. Of course, in a loving way. Let her know that you wish she would let down her wall a bit for you and help you understand what's standing in the way of your sexual/intimate relationship.
Maybe the more she has to think about what she says to you and back up her comments, the more ridiculous she'll find them.
Quote: I am tired of being hurt when you dismiss my feelings about this issue using terms that frame me as dysfunctional.
While I wouldn’t call my thinking "obsessive", I will admit that I am rather "focused" on improving intimacy within our marriage. By "intimacy", I mean both physically (touching, kissing, hugging, making love), and emotionally (words of affirmation, emotional support, sense of common purpose, shared values and parenting styles, and the ability to voice our thoughts and opinions without fear of retribution or undue criticism).
Don't forget about these words... make sure she heard them and addresses them.
