While I know it is hard on you to hear you W say these things, I think it is great she is opening up to you. Even though she "says" she doesn't feel safe with you, she continually shares her thoughts and feelings with you. Actions speak louder than words, right?
A close friend of mine had a horrendous childhood, including abuse. I remember having a conversation about her life (it was awhile ago, maybe when we were in our 20's?) and she said she didn't realize how messed up her upbringing was till she was a teenager and started going to friends' houses and seeing their families. It was a rude awakening to see what was "normal".
She still struggles with everything to this day.
I wonder if your wife still struggles with the reality of what happened to her all those years ago with her brother - and instead of dealing with that, she focuses on you.
You are so compassionate and understanding FY - I hope that one day, your W will see how very much you love her
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
She's also concerned that a birthday party we're going to tomorrow night for my nephew may actually include a surprise 30th Anniversary party for us. As you can imagine, she is really not up for that, but says she'll somehow manage to get through it if it happens.
So last nights party went ok, no Anniversary celebration included. Wife was there before me, as I had to work late. When I came in she did not acknowledge me. We spent most of the night apart, but did join each other while telling of our vacation "swimming with the whale sharks" story. W was quiet and withdrawn when I first got there, but opened up and had fun interacting with everyone later. Lots of smiling and laughing. Did I mention this was with my family? They have no idea of our sitch, and W and I are keeping up appearances. Yay!
We drove home quietly and went to our separate bedrooms. Like the band "The Cars" once played, Let the Good Times Roll!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
But to me that is proof positive (and I have examined this wearing T^'s goggles and white lab coat) that our old spouse is still there, buried. And if and when they escape, they will love us again.
Who could argue with T2's goggles and lab coat?! Thanks Linda.
Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious
While I know it is hard on you to hear you W say these things, I think it is great she is opening up to you. Even though she "says" she doesn't feel safe with you, she continually shares her thoughts and feelings with you. Actions speak louder than words, right?
I think so too. I continue to encourage W to talk to me when she feels like it. Yes, I now have crazy mad listening skills! I'm not going to allow some OM to come along and top me here. This is why I see the "ignore them" technique sometimes advised to be so misguided.
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A close friend of mine had a horrendous childhood, including abuse. I remember having a conversation about her life (it was awhile ago, maybe when we were in our 20's?) and she said she didn't realize how messed up her upbringing was till she was a teenager and started going to friends' houses and seeing their families. It was a rude awakening to see what was "normal".
My W knew she had a messed up childhood even then. Hated being the outcast at school, hated coming home to her abusive (mostly verbally, some physical) Mom. Actually the Mom thing seemed to hurt her way more than brother. It was way more ongoing. Says she's mostly over all the pain now... except with me.
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She still struggles with everything to this day.
Ouch!
You are so compassionate and understanding FY - I hope that one day, your W will see how very much you love her [/quote]
Thank you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"I continue to encourage W to talk to me when she feels like it. Yes, I now have crazy mad listening skills! I'm not going to allow some OM to come along and top me here. This is why I see the "ignore them" technique sometimes advised to be so misguided."
Me too! I am afraid some DBers are embracing LRT way before Divorce Remedy recommends. Almost as one of the first things to try, not a last ditch effort.�
You keep warding away those OM Forever, by being there for W when she is ready to open up, and then giving her space when she's not. Easy to say, hard to live. But you're becoming a master!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
While we were there she started to open up. Told me how going out for a nature walk with me today was a reminder of how she doesn't want to hold my hand or even touch me. How she can't go on like this, not being happy. She knows she still can be happy, but is afraid if she waits too long (to make a change) she won't ever be able to.
This is tough, I haven't read your entire sitch, but I see that you've been doing this awhile. it is difficult to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. Last night after dinner at a restaurant and a R talk initiated by my W, when leaving I tried to hold her hand. She had both hands buried in her pockets. She told me it was cold and she wouldn't take her hand out to hold mine.
Sad, and makes it tough to stay together. I always think about the paradox that she is there with you, yet she won't hold you hand and feels inside that she doesn't want to be with you.
I think inside she is conflicted and somewhere, deep down she does appreciate you and want to be with you, but on the surface she is unhappy and doesn't want to be with you.
Me too! I am afraid some DBers are embracing LRT way before Divorce Remedy recommends. Almost as one of the first things to try, not a last ditch effort.
Dang straight! Many DB'ers don't even recall that NC is part of the Last Resort Technique. To be fair though, most newbies are pursuing way too hard, and need to back off. (read STHU) But if your spouse is in MLC, for years, you already know better than to pursue. You better have a better plan than no (or almost no) contact if you want them to stay, I figure...
If you don't, why would they want to stay?
Originally Posted By: SailingAlone
...it is difficult to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. Last night after dinner at a restaurant and a R talk initiated by my W, when leaving I tried to hold her hand. She had both hands buried in her pockets. She told me it was cold and she wouldn't take her hand out to hold mine.
Sad, and makes it tough to stay together. I always think about the paradox that she is there with you, yet she won't hold you hand and feels inside that she doesn't want to be with you.
Very true. All we can do is give them the space they desire right now, and be there when they are ready. Let them drive while secretly adjusting the wheel every now and then!
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I think inside she is conflicted and somewhere, deep down she does appreciate you and want to be with you, but on the surface she is unhappy and doesn't want to be with you.
I think so too... I hope so. I mean, it's been a year and a half now, and she's still here. Clearly she doesn't want out that badly.
What are you waiting for sweetheart? Hurry up and recommit to me already!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, she may say she is over what happened with her brother, but, that is not something you "get over" on your own. And having an abusive mother is extremely difficult to live through and rears its head later on if not dealt with in some way.
As far as the ignoring, I think that is confused with giving them space.
I really feel she cannot fully recommitt to you as long as she associates what happened in her childhood with what happened with you.
I think T was right with what she wrote:
Originally Posted By: takesvowsserious
I wonder if your wife still struggles with the reality of what happened to her all those years ago with her brother - and instead of dealing with that, she focuses on you.
I really hope that she begins to see that she needs to get help to deal with it all.
And you are doing the right thing in letting her talk, seeing she it is safe to do so with you and giving her plenty of space to figure it out.
Oh and I hope you dont mind, but, I want in when you take TVS out for her birthday. LOL!
Hi Linda, thanks for checking in. I've been doing fine, really digging in at work, bicycle riding and repairing, along with other projects around the house. Going out with friends now and then. I'm told that I'll be allowed to offer another 8 week TKD class at my workplace in the next month or so. I really enjoyed running the last one, and my students loved it too!
No new dreams have been mentioned to me. Last time W had one she said it happens every 4 weeks or so. She accepted a hair brushing from me a couple nights back just like she's been doing.
The SA with brother, and the March 2012 incident with me is only part of W's pain. Mostly it seems a desperate search for happiness, with the feeling that something is missing deep in her soul and time running out to find it. She doesn't seem angry at me.
Since her "awakening" when her Mom died, W's been big into "signs from the universe"... the thing is, I know people can often interpret signs in many ways, depending on what it is they want to see. She's convinced that she's missed out on life... and love. She recently told me she's not happy, but knows she still can be happy if she doesn't wait too long.
Look! There's a sign for me!
One of the things W told me at BD was that she wants to be independent and discover who she is. Was always "afraid to live life". Now seems to be searching for a new identity, and of course can't do that with me around! I know everything about the old her, and was the biggest part of it. This is why she has separated herself from me. I represent the old her that she's unhappy with.
Thankfully, this half of her has been giving the other half plenty of space!
By granting W all the space she desires, she seems content to stay in our home while treating me civilly, even if she is withdrawn and cool. I believe she has to figure out who she is/wants to be, before she'll really love me. I don't know if I'll still be here when this happens, but I'm here now, with no plans of going anywhere any time soon.
Originally Posted By: uRw
I really hope that she begins to see that she needs to get help to deal with it all.
And you are doing the right thing in letting her talk, seeing she it is safe to do so with you and giving her plenty of space to figure it out.
Thank you. I hope she figures it out too. (and soon!)
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Oh and I hope you dont mind, but, I want in when you take TVS out for her birthday. LOL!
Awwww, I'd love to get together with you and TVS and RH and... but I'm not sure how we could do that. I'm also a little concerned that going out with all you hot women may not exactly be the best DB strategy for me right now!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
