Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Don't come around here no more

Urg! Had a response all type and my phone went dead!!! Rats!

Just as an FYI I am not fighting full custody. Just primary placement. I am not trying to keep their dad out of their lives but I think they need stability and they should spend the majority of time with me. I do not know this OW nor do I think their dad has their interest at heart. Only his own. I especiallywant primary placement in the school year.

H is back to pushing 50/50 placement again. I have never felt comfortable with that and have never agreed to it. It's too hard on the kids. He is saying unless I agree to 50/50 he will not take on any of the debt for the credit card or the second mortgage. He wants me to agree to the original settlement he sent back in January which I thought was a joke. 50/50 placement, child support at $300 a month less than the state formula allots, no maintenance and I take on the credit card and the second mortgage. And I can take the furniture he allows me to take.

I don't think there is any negotiating with this man. Any time I have said I would like to have "this" he just says no and says I am being unreasonable. It's his way or the highway. I'm going to have to fight for the minimum. Heck I have had to fight this whole time and I don't have anything!!!

I will move out of the house once H agrees to support and maintenance. If I don't have an order he doesn't have to pay me anything. I have looked around and I don't think there is anything to rent that I can afford. I am a bit nervous about this. I want the dog but need to find somewhere that accommodates pets. That usually costs more money. Right now we don't even have $100 in our account.

I am not trying to make excuses. H is the king of manipulation. He is trying to build precidents. I know how things will be once the D is over. I saw him with his ex-wife. I know how nasty and vicious he can be. I have to protect myself. Because H will use every opportunity to get me financially. And if he can, he will take the kids from me.

I have to be on my toes every minute. There is nothing he won't do.

WH

I agree totally, WH. If that helps.

You do know how he will likely be. You also know that now is the time to negotiate. Later, you'll have nothing to negotiate with. Until then, you have a place to live and a can be around to raise the kids. Don't give that up if you ask me. The trick here is to make it so you a) don't have to go back to court (costly and draining emotionally as well) and b) you have the kids best interest at heart. You do NOT need to negotiate with him. That's what you're lawyer does for you. You won't get anywhere. If he's trying to send you things directly, have him send them to the lawyer only. No response from you is needed. That takes the burden of his harassment off your shoulders. Believe me, that's worth the money you're paying your L. You only need to talk with your L about the deals and take the emotion out of it. Mostly anyway. He'll filter the junk based on your criteria and his knowledge, and that's a combination that won't be beat.

Hopefully you don't have to respond to H directly at this point. And you are not being unreasonable, if that helps. The judge is bound by law and case history to favor the kids, not you nor H. It's your L's job to make sure that happens. Let him work for you.

Take the pressure off of you, WH. As much as you can. Let the L know about H's past history and your concerns, and see what he has to say about a strategy to come to terms. Let him know about the combative situation and see what he feels he can do about that. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Peace,
AJ

AJ I can always count on you. I'm so glad you take the time to write to me. : )

Had a wonderful day with the kids. We got up, ate a quick breakfast and headed to the library for a free ice cream social. After eating our ice cream outside D picked out 9 books by her favorite author. Lol! S renewed his book which he has been too busy to read. After we left the library we headed to the grocery store which was having kids day. A free carnival with games and free lunch for the kids. The fire department, EMS and police department was there, they had a bounce house, face painting and other things. Kids got to hang out with friends and have lunch and snacks. Afterward we bought some groceries and headed to the thrift store to drop off some items. We stopped in and S found a shirt and a "man" bracelet, while D found a shirt and pants and a toy. All that cost me $11. We came back home, washed our fruit, made some cookies, rode bikes and scooters and took the dog to the dog park. Then we headed to the sport store to see what kind of shoes S wants for back to school. Then got a few more groceries and some puffy paint for D to decorate the shirt she didn't want to tie die. I made dinner of spaghetti and meatballs and a healthier version of chocolate gelato. Watched some tv and bed. I wish every day was like this, but oh well. Can't appreciate the good if you don't have some bad, right?

In better news, my lawyer spoke to the GAL and got to the bottom of some things. I really felt like the GAL was on H's side. My attorney explained that wasn't true. Of course, H has been twisting the GAL's ear with all kinds of stories. Many of which are not true. My attorney set him straight and gave him the real story. For instance, H told the GAL that one reason I need to leave is because I am living in "his house free of charge". Excuse me? Just for the record, I am on the title of that house. My mom gave us the $25,000 at closing so we could even move into the house because H misread the paperwork. And I am not living there "free of charge". I work ful time and my wages are directly deposited into the joint account along with H's. I may not make A's much money, but I still work and I still bring home the bacon. But looking back H always told me I needed to make more money and that I wasn't living up to "my true potential" (whatever that means). I told H money wasn't everything. I was happy with my job and taking care of my kids. And maybe we should live within our means instead of trying to get means to live at a certain threshold.

It all makes so much sense now. H had to go through this. I guess I should be surprised this didn't happen sooner. I wish I didn't have to go through it. Or my kids. That's the worst part. The kids. But I'm doing whatever I can to protect them.

H and OW deserve each other. He told the GAL that he was angry because my attorney and I stuck our noses in OW's custody case and "screwed it all up". My attorney explained we didn't have anything to do with her case not going her way. She had 50/50 placement with her ex. Meets some guy and decides she's gonna marry him and try to take the kids 150 miles away from everything they know and their dad as well? My attorney told the GAL there is no way the courts are gonna let her do that. We had nothing to do with that. And the GAL said, well, you are right about that.

My attorney told the GAL I have been looking at places and I have a list of items I want and I have my own marital settlement sheet to prove that I do want to move the case forward. And I do. But H doesn't. He just wants me out of the house and let the rest hang.

In other news, D lost her first tooth last night. She's so proud because she pulled it out all by herself. I'm glad I was here for that.

I also told H we can trade weekends so he can take the kids camping on his birthday. I told him if you want that weekend I will take this coming weekend (so I have two in a row) then he can have the 16th and 23rd since I have a prior committment on the 23rd. Then we will resume weekends as we previously had them. I was not going to let him trick me into losing Labor Day. I know that was up his sleeve. If he doesn't like my idea about trading, then he can forget about it. I also told him I still held my conviction that the kids and not to be around OW and her family. He is trying to wear me down.

Hopefully the good weekend will continue and I can get my bearings back. It's good when H is away. He's probably plotting against me some more. What happens when D is done and there's nothing to plot? No ploy? No games? Jo one to blame all your bad decisions on? Does the focus shift elsewhere to does it turn internally and they pop? Lol! Like a kernel of popcorn??

I know time is the answer. And I am starting to see how it isn't me. OW thinks she is special. She isn't. She's easy. And convenient. And a good target. Her karma is coming. She has no idea what she's in for, but I do.

WH

WH,
I'm glad to read that you and your children are having a great weekend. You needed a brief period of calm and fun. Please listen to AJ and do not attempt to negotiate anything more about the settlement w/your h. Allow your lawyer to do his job. He's been there for you throughout all of this. He knows what he's up against and I bet he's seen this type of behavior before, i.e., most lawyers have.

I hope that your peace and quiet continue for a while. You needed this break to regroup. Enjoy your Sunday!

Thanks Snodderly.

I don't believe H will agree to anything unless a judge tells him he has to agree. And even then it's not going to be so easy. H knows I will not discuss anything with him regarding the divorce. It is strictly kids and finances. There is nothing else. H was really nice the other night. Too nice. I wasn't feeling well and he brought me dinner in bed (!!!) and I told him thank you, but wasn't feeling well enough to eat it. He then told the kids not to bother me because I wasn't feeling well. He never bothered to do that when we were together, why now? He also told me how to wash D's white pants that were so dirty they were practically brown. I listened and just shook my head as he walked away. I've only done the laundry for the last 15 years. I think I got it covered.

D is wearing the outfit we got at the thrift store yesterday. It's absolutely adorable. Not bad for $5. S is wearing his shirt too. Looks good! We stopped at the store today to get a few things for back to school. Both kids got new shoes, D got two outfits and socks, S got sport shorts and new shirt all for $130. I love deals. We are at the park now and S is pushing D and her friends on the merry go round.

Tomorrow I am taking the kids to the state fair, if it doesn't rain. Pray it holds off.

WH

Ok the next phase is coming.

H is mad. Which I knew he would be. He always is. He sent my attorney an MSA which is basically an exact repeat of the MSA H sent in January that my attorney and I dismissed and said was unacceptable. H wants to lay far less than the state mandate, no maintenance, and he wants 50/50 placement of the kids on a 2/2/3 schedule. Number one I have never ever agreed to 50/50. That's what the fight is about and number two, I would never agree to the 2/2/3 schedule. Too hard on the kids, but it's easy on H. No way.

At least he's on board with the property part, or so he says. He agrees to refinance in 90 days, but I don't know how he can possibly refinance now!!! He disclosed to my attorney his personal debt. It's unbelieveable j

Sorry hit submit too soon!

H is mad. Which I knew he would be. He always is. He sent my attorney an MSA which is basically an exact repeat of the MSA H sent in January that my attorney and I dismissed and said was unacceptable. H wants to lay far less than the state mandate, no maintenance, and he wants 50/50 placement of the kids on a 2/2/3 schedule. Number one I have never ever agreed to 50/50. That's what the fight is about and number two, I would never agree to the 2/2/3 schedule. Too hard on the kids, but it's easy on H. No way.

At least he's on board with the property part, or so he says. He agrees to refinance in 90 days, but I don't know how he can possibly refinance now!!! He disclosed to my attorney his personal debt. It's unbelievable how much debt H has amassed in a year. Not only does he have our marital debt, but there's over $10,000 in personal debt, not including what he owes the attorney. How can someone get that much debt??? I think H has painted himself into a corner. He lashed out at me like a rattlesnake.

I don't know what is going to happen now. I want it to be over, but now is the time I need to be smart and hang on tight and fight for tenacity.

In other news, a dear friend and co-worker was fired (let go) yesterday. He had been there over 25 years and it's such a shock and it really disheartens and angers me. He's been such a support for me. I wish I could repay the favor.

WH

2/2/3 sounds like a terrible arrangement. My W is demanding 50/50 and I offered alternating weeks with a Sunday evening exchange.

I just think that sounds like a more workable arrangement, even though its all lousy. I guess I will be an expert in juggling kids soon enough.

2/2/3 is not convenient for anyone but H because he can't handle the kids any more than that. It's harder to make plans and determine who does what when. Right now that we live together I have Mon and Tues, H has Wed and Thurs and we alternate weekends. So one parent has the kids 5 days at once. He can't do it. He gets flustered. It's normal for me. No problem. I prefer this because I can make arrangements and appointments for the kids on my days. And if something is going on that day it's easy for me to make arrangements for the kids, not have to figure out which Monday is mine, etc. Then the kids know what to expect as well. Less confusion is good for everyone, unless you are H who thrives on confusion.

I don't know why H would think I have gone through mediation and a GAL stating I am not in agreement with 50/50 and expect me to change my mind? Hope springs eternal?

WH

WH,
I'm sorry to hear about your co-worker. Is it possible for you to stay in touch w/him? I'm sure he would love to hear from you once the dust settles.

As for your h, he's bound and determined to get his way. He's really trying to wear you and your lawyer down. As for paying less than the state mandate...unless the judge is in his pocket, I don't think the judge will agree to that either.

Please don't be surprised if he changes the property part (again). If his credit is bad, I seriously doubt that he'll be able to refinance. Sounds like he's been spending quite a bit on someone or something. That's a lot of debt! Be thankful your name isn't tied to it.

Hang in there...you are going to encounter some rough seas ahead, but I have a lot of faith in you and your lawyer.