Looking back it makes it more difficult later on than it does easier at the time.
When life is teaching us these lessons we need to pay attention or we keep getting the same lesson over and over and over...
Quote:
I didn't mention the part about paying.
So then you can't expect her to pay, unless you've both talked about it and come to an agreement. If you can't afford it on your own, what will you do?
Why didn't you mention it?
Later in you reply you say this:
Quote:
She has agreed to go and pay for MC.
So which is it?
Quote:
I do realize that. In the past I have been blind to her manipulations.
That's like saying she cast a spell over you. Here's where the boundaries come in, if you know what they are no one can manipulate you without your consent. This is all on you. Assigning roles and then blame, says you have to power. Is that the way you want to live?
There's a little book, the four agreements, that you might find helpful. You can find it many places, I often see it in thrift and used book stores here. It was a hot item several years ago but what it says is a distillation of personal boundaries and taking responsibility for our own life. It takes about an hour to read.
Good luck, you're thinking.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Looking back it makes it more difficult later on than it does easier at the time.
When life is teaching us these lessons we need to pay attention or we keep getting the same lesson over and over and over...
Quote:
I didn't mention the part about paying.
So then you can't expect her to pay, unless you've both talked about it and come to an agreement. If you can't afford it on your own, what will you do?
Why didn't you mention it?
Later in you reply you say this:
Quote:
She has agreed to go and pay for MC.
So which is it?
I emailed her the details and said it would cost us £** each. I said if she was willing we could get an appointment on Friday. She said she didn't have £** right now. I said that the 1st of the month is Thursday, that's when I normally put money in your account. She OK I will take it from that. I said do you want me to give you £** less for the month and I will just pay for the MC and she said yes.
Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
I do realize that. In the past I have been blind to her manipulations.
That's like saying she cast a spell over you. Here's where the boundaries come in, if you know what they are no one can manipulate you without your consent. This is all on you. Assigning roles and then blame, says you have to power. Is that the way you want to live?
There's a little book, the four agreements, that you might find helpful. You can find it many places, I often see it in thrift and used book stores here. It was a hot item several years ago but what it says is a distillation of personal boundaries and taking responsibility for our own life. It takes about an hour to read.
Good luck, you're thinking.
It is like saying she cast a spell over me.
How would it work though if like in early May, I thought w were having sex because we were coming back together where she was maybe doing it just to see if she still could get me back.
How would a boundary prevent that from happening?
I have found a PDF of The Four Agreements online, I will read it later.
Thanks
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T, is your W wanting to ML while also still pushing forward with D? If so then I guess she just sees it as a purely physical connection? I'm not sure how long you continued to ML after BD, but for W and me it was a few months, pretty much right up until she moved out. It was REEEEEEEALLY awkward. There's a big difference in ML with someone that really cares about you versus ML with someone that's just looking for a physical release. If you think it's going to make you feel used, then don't do it.
T, is your W wanting to ML while also still pushing forward with D? If so then I guess she just sees it as a purely physical connection? I'm not sure how long you continued to ML after BD, but for W and me it was a few months, pretty much right up until she moved out. It was REEEEEEEALLY awkward. There's a big difference in ML with someone that really cares about you versus ML with someone that's just looking for a physical release. If you think it's going to make you feel used, then don't do it.
Hi AS,
Fartiltre advised me to update my sig and I think he was correct. W has said she wants back in and has agreed to MC and Retrouvaille.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
There is no specific time to have sex, like after the first marriage counselor appt.
The right time is when you feel emotionally connected and feel like you truly are moving towards reconciliation and she is not trying to use sex as manipulation which she has done in the past.
Odds are pretty good she can't ML without it being a purely physical connection.
I'm not going to say its not in a woman's makeup to do so, as I feel a woman can do it, but it is not just a physical connection when it's with your husband you may be wanting to divorce.
Make sense?
It's purely up to you what you chose, but your eyes need to be wide open to all of these possibilities.
Your standing strong and making the right moves for a true and pure attempt at reconciliation. Your showing you can't be easily manipulated and that you are serious. I wouldn't do anything to hurt that.
I think so. I need to be aware of what I choose and have to live with it.
She said late last night that it wasn't nice to get knocked back but it's fine and she will wait until I'm ready.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Assigning roles and then blame, says you have tono power.
Because I shouldn't have assigned any roles?
If I do try to blame the other person after assigning them a role myself is just me playing a game in my own head that I will likely lose?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
MC, to me, once we have been, is her working on the R.
I wasn't going to bring this up, but you've mentioned it several times. Anyone can go to one session. A lot of WAW's agree to go to MC, and when she gets there she announces to the H she wants a A. Then, that ends the sessions.
I am not saying she will do the same thing. I just wanted to show you how one session doesn't mean she's working on the M. What I don't understand is why you think her attending one session is her working on the R. I think you are just trying to give yourself a date for sex, and you picked one trip to the MC. So, if you have sex with her that night, and later she informs you she won't be going back to C, (b/c she doesn't like him, she doesn't want to spend the money, she thinks you two are working things out, or whatever excuse she gives), then what will you do? You'll be right back where you've always been.
I'm not going to argue about it. But you say you are going to a solution based MC, and I doubt he can give you and/or your W all the solutions in one session. Personally, I think you would be just as well off to use the money toward Retroville and go ahead and be screwing your brains out........rather than see you set this one-time visit to MC as some sort of measuring stick of progress and then hit the sack. That's what you want to do anyway, start having sex again. I had just hoped you had learned enough from the last go around that you would make her truly work...before you were convinced she was sincere about the R.
There is a bit difference between making love and having sex.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
MC, to me, once we have been, is her working on the R.
I wasn't going to bring this up, but you've mentioned it several times. Anyone can go to one session. A lot of WAW's agree to go to MC, and when she gets there she announces to the H she wants a A. Then, that ends the sessions.
I am not saying she will do the same thing. I just wanted to show you how one session doesn't mean she's working on the M. What I don't understand is why you think her attending one session is her working on the R. I think you are just trying to give yourself a date for sex, and you picked one trip to the MC. So, if you have sex with her that night, and later she informs you she won't be going back to C, (b/c she doesn't like him, she doesn't want to spend the money, she thinks you two are working things out, or whatever excuse she gives), then what will you do? You'll be right back where you've always been.
I'm not going to argue about it. But you say you are going to a solution based MC, and I doubt he can give you and/or your W all the solutions in one session. Personally, I think you would be just as well off to use the money toward Retroville and go ahead and be screwing your brains out........rather than see you set this one-time visit to MC as some sort of measuring stick of progress and then hit the sack. That's what you want to do anyway, start having sex again. I had just hoped you had learned enough from the last go around that you would make her truly work...before you were convinced she was sincere about the R.
There is a bit difference between making love and having sex.
One MC appointment doesn't mean it's fixed, I know that. I do believe that if she goes and is responsive to the session that she is working on the R. Do you think she could be doing this just to get control again? It's an expensive way for her to do that.
I'm not saying that the night after the session we will have sex. That is nearly impossible anyway because I will be taking the kids with me to my house afterwards.
Do you believe that sex too early will derail the process and definitely not help at all?
I feel that if I do withhold just to prove a point I will come across as petty. Sounds daft saying it but it does. It's like I'm lording control over her.
Putting sex aside for a second do you also think this applies to other things, like having dinner together, spending time talking?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T, thanks for clarifying in your responses to my post.
I want to respond to this:
Quote:
Do you think she could be doing this just to get control again?
Who cares? Sorry for the bluntness but really, If you are in control of you it doesn't matter. And that's why sex is dangerous territory for you right now because you're in a vulnerable spot, your marriage is in a vulnerable spot, you aren't in control of you.
As I said before, have sex, don't have sex, have dinner, don't have dinner, just remember it's a choice you're making. All choices have consequences, so make that choice fully accepting the consequences, positive or negative.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
