Dude, you've gotta do this. I hate this to sound like an infomercial, but... I was feeling the same way. W tends to be a bit sensitive about criticism of any kind...negative self-image, that whole thing. I figured any such request would be taken very poorly, and this has been the case in the past. She's a "type a", and a worrier. and she's been feeling very overwhelmed lately, as she's a new mom, has medical issues, etc...I could go on and on. So I'm reading the book on the sly, trying to figure out a good way to approach her, and Sunday morning, she practically has a breakdown, talking about all the crap that's bothering her. (and its totally legitimate stuff, too...I'm not minimizing her issues at all). But I'm thinking to myself, "oh, great. well, better not bring this up now; its the last freakin' thing she needs to hear". Well, I don't know why, but I figured that it really doesn't matter, now or later. If she doesn't want to read it, or do anything about it, I'm no worse off, really. It can't be any worse. You've said that you've been very "hands off" for quite some time. I was, too. for like, the last year or more, and it just ain't working for me anymore. So anyway, I gave her the book on the way out the door to work on Monday morning. (I know I reported that much in another thread already.).
I really didn't think I was going to get anywhere, either, but I can continue to report that I have been quite busy every evening since, and I'm just beside myself in shock and awe. The very best outcome I could have hoped for was a slow, eventual change in frequency to something that might be barely acceptable. "more than 0" over the course of the next six months would have been great progress. I know, its only been a few days, and it could just be some sort of short-lived attempt that will fizzle soon as we fall back into our old habits, but I don't think so. Something changed. I'm puzzled, still, because much of the information in the book is not really "new"; at least not to me. Perhaps its the way the information is presented, or organized...something struck a chord with W, unlike anything else ever has (and I've made many attempts in the past) maybe the simple fact that it was written by a woman?? I don't know.
So the question is: can your situation be any worse than it already is? what "harm" is going to come from giving her the book, and asking her to read it? What do you have to lose?
Cac4, your post really helps. My W has been very overwhelmed, too. We had a commuter marriage, adopted a child, and tried to keep the commuter marriage for a while. She felt like a single mom, decided to quit a job she loved, moved from a house she loved to my town, which she did not love, started a new business, with all the stress of that, has to deal with my three kids from my first marriage much more often than she used, has to deal with my bitchy ex-W, and generally is just always stressed.
But you're right. Stress is part of life. It's not going to go away, and adding to it by asking her to read the book is not going to be some straw that broke the camel's back.
hairdog, it is obvious this girl loves you. I can't think of anyway she could show you more, except for showing you in the way you need to be shown. Why not ask her in the right way;
" Baby, I still can't believe that you moved to a new town for me. I am so awed that you took on living here with me and the responsibility of 3 additional kids. I am simply amazed at the way you have demonstrated your love and devotion. It leaves no doubt that you love me. Even with as much as you do for us, I still need one more little thing from you - I need to make love to you passionately and often. I don't just mean once a week, I need you 3 times a day. I need desperately to lose myself in your arms.
Have I told you just how much I love the smell of your breath when we are face to face, and how good your hot breath feels on my neck"...
Use your imagination :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: figure out why I pick assertive, intelligent, controlling women as mates; why I wimp out on discussing things that are important to me; why I put other's needs before mine (most of the time); and why I seem most comfortable with this power/control imbalance.
It probably feels most comfortable because you have less "responsibility". You're just along for the ride... following your wife's lead. Marriage is a partnership - it's *not* all about her. I think you pick assertive, intelligent women who *appear* to become controlling - you surrender your power to them and then wonder why you're so unhappy. Maybe your wife wants her man to be more take charge? I remember so often wishing my H would just for once make the decision about something, so that we weren't always doing what I want. Come on! Flex your masculinity!
Oh, of course! I like Lina's approach... very subtle! How about you start reading the book again this evening, and see if she says anything She HAS to say something if she sees you reading the book! No? Just tell her you saw a raving review on it and want to see what YOU can do to have a more loving relationship with HER... all very subtle and nonthreatening. I'd almost guarantee she'll read it!
Good luck... you know we're all rooting for ya! haha NOPkins has a good point! It is quite obvious she loves you.
She called. She found it. She's pissed, said I exercised poor judgment in giving it to her at the wrong time. Said she has trust issues with me (I'll go into this later, but I tend to think they are all red herrings).
She also said she doubted she would read the book.
I am hoping that she will change this view when she has cooled off.
I'm bummed, of course, even though I expected this.
She just called again. More pissed, crying, screaming, says I have caused her more stress...that it's always all about me, that she moved here, left her dream job, her dream house, and that I still want more.
She said that "this marriage is over...we have a 2 year old, so I'll stay married to you, but the marriage is over." Then she hung up.
Sorry to hear she took it so badly. I don't know you or your whole story, but could it be just her defense mechanism kicking in? Her way of diverting things?
Hi Annette. Yes, she ALWAYS gets this way when I confront her on this issue. I knew it was going to get ugly, which is why it took many months to get up the nerve to give her the book. She does not want to confront her own reasons for why our sexual relationship is nil, so she blames it all on me, and other external stressors.
She HAS to say something if she sees you reading the book! No? Just tell her you saw a raving review on it and want to see what YOU can do to have a more loving relationship with HER... all very subtle and nonthreatening. I'd almost guarantee she'll read it! 
I'm bummed, of course, even though I expected this. 