Obviously she has no clue as to how men work. She feels lots of pressure to meet your needs for affirming love to you through sex. This IS THE WAY IT WORKS. She sounds like many LD women, I think they se us HD men as bottomless pits of need for sex and affirmation. We are not bottomless, it's just that what we find to be normal amounts of sex, affection, kissing, cuddling, etc.., they find to be unbelievably HUGE amounts. For example, you may want sex everyday (not unusual for HD) while she NEVER wants sex. So for her, compromise is to have sex once a month maybe. Now to her, she is REALLY putting out, but to us HD, she is not even trying. LD women really have no clue as to how much sex us HD guys REALLY need. So now she feels unbelievable pressure to be a way that she does not feel she can be. So to back the pressure off, she wants you to NOT want sex. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. You are FORCED to want sex by testosterone. There is absolutly nothing you can do to stop your desire for sex, except of course to get rejected so many times by your wife as to no longer want her. Funny, she wants you to NOT desire sex with her, which if and when that occurs, means that you will no longer LOVE her. NOTE: TO ALL YOU LD WOMAN OUT THERE, IF YOUR HD HUSBAND HAS STOPPED WANTING SEX FROM YOU, GOOD CHANCE HE IS CLOSE TO BEING A WAH! HD men never stop wanting sex, they stop wanting the PERSON that was supposed to be their lover.
Hairdog, has your wife always been LD/ND, or did she pull the old bait and switch routine? Has she ever been assaulted? How was her childhood, did she grow up in a loving, touching family? I have been reading where women that grow up in dysfunctional families tend to make LOUSY wives. If they don't have lovinf fathers at home, they tend to not know how to love their husbands. I am beginning to believe that since many woman do not have testosterone to DRIVE their sexual being, that they literally need to LEARN from the example of their mothers and fathers realtionship to actually know how to carry on a great relationship with their husbands. Dr. Laura just came out with her new book that describes PERFECTLY what is required to have a successful relationship with a NORMAL HD man. Give him great sex and affirmation, and he will literally DIE for you! Incredible simple rules for a great marriage, and yet Dr. Laura is totally amazed at how girls have been raised for the last 40 years and their mothers are NOT teaching their daughters this.
Hairdog, if your wife was giving you great frequent sex and affirmation, is there anything else you would need to have a fulfilling life? I will bet not much. It all seems so simple, and yet this probably seems like an IMPOSSIBLE task for your wife. What she wants is a husband that is "Confident" in his marriage, (my wife says this). She wants a man that KNOWS he is loved, so in effect she does not have to SHOW he is loved. She clearly wants you to receive love in the way that she likes to GIVE love, which is obviously not physical touch. What is the answer, beats me. LD women have such a different perspective on marriage! I really think that a great marriage with a LD wife is really not possible, they can never really be the wife that us HD guys need. You may be able to develop a TOLERABLE marriage, but a great marriage, I doubt it. I have done searches on the internet for "Great Marriages" and almost all the websites that talk about "Great Marriages" will tell you that a common denominator of "Great marriages" is that these couples have Great, FREQUENT, sex. That Sex is NOT an issue in these marriages. Basically, these marriages are between a HD guy and a women that is either HD, or knows how to FAKE being HD. Can a ND women ever be able to get to this level, I sincerely doubt it. I would love to see just ONE example of a ND women that became HD again. JUST ONE FREAKIN EXAMPLE!!
Now that I have said all this, I still have not given up, it is up to me to turn over every single rock looking for a solution. But eventually, we all run out of rocks to look under. Then we have to make the horrible decision. Is it worse to LIVE with a ND woman, or is it WORSE to move on? What a terrible decision us HD guys always seem to have to face.
Dr. Laura ha said it many times on her show, women that do not like sex or affection, are really pretty much hopeless. Us guys are to stay in the marriage until the children leave home, and then we have a tough decision to make. She wants to have a solution to this problem, but she has none! It's no wonder the 75% of all marriages are failing! There is an epedemic of women with NO DESIRE!
Thanks Corri, CeMar, and annette for your posts. I thought your idea, Corri, was good (to send her an email), yet I also want to give her some room. So I didn't send it.
What I really feel like is telling her that I will never reach the point where sex is not important to me, that the chemical balance of hormones within me do not allow this to occur. And then, ask her if she minds if I take a lover, so that I will stop bugging her.
I know, that is no solution to the problem. Yet, I am starting to feel as depressed and hopeless as CeMar. To cross over to another message board topic, I feel like doing the Last Resort Technique.... I have to give her time...MORE TIME...I feel I have already given her years to deal with this.
I our wives love us but do not want to have sex with us, then why would it be wrong to have sex with OTHER people. Our wives would scream bloody murder, but WHY? How many times have I been told that my happiness is MY problem to deal with. So Hairdog, why should we not tell our wives up front that we are going to Take Care of our own needs by having sex with other people. That way the pressure will be taken off of our wives.
It may sound ridiculous, but touching, kissing, affection, sexuality, are the things that make us HD guys happy, so how else can we meet our own needs unless we have sex outside the marriage? Should all LD spouses not WANT their spouses to seek sexuality elswhere?
You know, these comments sound really stupid, but the longer we live with ND spouses, do they not start sounding a little more sane everyday?
Good Luck, Hairdog. Try to find a few more stones to turn over. Maybe you'll find something under there.
When I was having the big talk with my W, I mentioned the 5 love Languages, and told her that I could not, in my personal moral code, go outside our marriage in order to feel loved by physical touch. In a way, I was setting her up to hear my later comments of, "I can't stand this feeling any more. Either you love me, and will show me that you do in the way I want you to, or I will find love elsewhere." I don't know if I'll ever get to that point, but it's possible. I didn't know if I'd ever get up the nerve to give her the book, and I did.
The weird thing is, I don't want to get involved with someone other than my wife. Heck, even when I take matters "into my own hand" so to speak, the woman I fantasize about is her. Well, it looks like her, but doesn't necessarily act like her
I'm a decent looking guy, I work hard, know how to have fun, am a good and loving parent, a great cook, I clean up the house and do laundry...what's not to love? Okay, I have my faults, but where are you going to find a guy that's as complete a package as me? Play me or trade me, baby.
Sorry to see you didn't get your romantic snowy weekend I agree with so much of what MPT is saying. Your W isn't *choosing* to be an ND/LD - something is keeping her from wanting to reach out sexually to you. That was the problem in my sitch, and that is precisely why I *was* LD. I *knew* my LD was a problem, but until I knew *why* I was LD - I thought H should be able to masturbate if I wasn't into it. This is just my take on things, without knowing your W's side of the story... this is just comparing any similarities between her and I...
Quote: I think she has some very serious issues that need to be addressed by the two of you. As much as you need to stand your ground to be heard, you need to work very hard to hear what she is saying too. I think she has some very important, valid issues with you. She may not be just making it 'about her' to be a victim and manipulate the situation. It is a marriage and it is as much about her as it is you. I sense some very deep dissatisfaction from your wife. *MPT
Amen! I was LD until my H heard what I had been saying to him (for 7 yrs). He even admitted that he'd heard me say what my issues were, but he never grasped them or gave them much thought. Once he did though, well, I changed my username! If she feels misunderstood or disrespected in some way (by you), she'll be LD.
Quote: She says that my "obsession" with sex is a real turn off. She says that when I do nice things for her, she feels as if I am doing them in order to get sex from her. She says that when I leave her alone, don't touch her, give her space, that I am doing this in order to get sex from her.
Yikes, that sounds very familiar... like stuff I've said. To her, you seem obsessed with sex; not showing her love in a way she likes to receive it. What makes her feel loved? From the sounds of it, you've already given her alot of "her love" - but have you been giving it to her without any expectation? Do you hint around or make her feel guilty at all if she's not in the mood? Do whatever makes her feel loved for a while and don't even stop to check for the feedback... just do it because you love her for a while. Heck, you said you were giving her some more time
Quote: I thought your idea, Corri, was good (to send her an email), yet I also want to give her some room. So I didn't send it. I am starting to feel as depressed and hopeless as CeMar.
My H has been sending me quick, cute e-greetings every couple of days for the past few weeks... just to say hi or thank me for something or whatever is on his mind at the time. It's simple but very sweet. It tells me he thought about me while we were apart and makes me feel special. Make her smile or chuckle!
There are so many possible causes for LD that I am not sure that determining the cause may be frutiless in my case. My wife is ND. Possible causes:
1) Not enough quality time together. 2) Rotten childhood. 3) Hypoactive Thyroid. 4) Bad Body Image (hers not mine!). 5) Finances. 6) She has a best friend that is her former LOVER from 18 years ago, and he has the biggest you know what that my wife has ever seen. But there is no PA taking place. 7) She is premenopausal. 8) Her natuaral testosterone has probably really dropped off. 9) After birthing 3 children, her desire level noticeable dropped after EACH child and never returned. 10) She is not attracted to me anymore. We have nothing in common. Her words exactly. 11) She has absolutely no interest in sex, but will do it to fill my needs, her words exactly.
Where to start? And I think that many of my issues are COMMON for guys that are HD married to ND woman. Everytime I address one problem, she magically develops another reason to not want sex. Let's face it, many women just LOSE their desire, and they really don't know why.
I'm very impressed with the conversation going on here. It sounds like Hairdog is doing the right thing, which is TELLING his W about the severity of the problem, even though he was terrified to do so.
This is the kind of CONFIDENCE a W wants, I believe. Ironically, the kind of tiptoeing around the issue that develops when there is a mismatch in drive causes the LD partner to become even more LD, I believe. My X was much more sensitive to my moods than previous lovers were and whereas they would just go for what they wanted, he would not and this contributed to the problem. There is a certain "b@llsiness" that works better -- no coincidence that this term is used.
I think everything MPT has said is right on the money. Hairdog and his W have a sexual problem but even before that, they have a communication problem. They are finally starting the talk and that is such a positive step. The talking will not magically solve the problem but CeMar, if you are intent on turning over every stone, this is the first one you should try. It will be scary and extremely difficult, but you will get nowhere without it.
CeMar: I really do not know what to tell you that hasn't already been posted. You seem to communicate with us quite well... so for you to say that communication is such a foreign thing to you... I think you need to write your W a letter. Write it as if you're writing to us and then go over it afterwards and personalize it for your W - if that would help. Hell, post it for us to comment on. We'll help you
