Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
OK I blew, and I now need to vent a little.

H came round Sunday and spent a grand total of 3 hours with S. We had to talk finances at one point and I completely lost it. I couldn't fight the tears and I couldn't hide them from H. This whole thing has me really worried financially. Had to borrow to pay for groceries and all H says is "you know how much I make". Yes I do make more than him - not a lot more though, but up to now my salary has paid the debts, his has gone to buy groceries, gas and any little extras if there's anything left. And to make matters worse for me, when he was leaving he told S he had to go because he was meeting friends in town. It must be nice to have the money to go out with friends, when I can barely afford to put food on the table. And he hasn't even been gone a week yet! As he says the split is only temporary he doesn't want to put anything formally into writing, and even if he did I couldn't afford the lawyer right now. Told him I would have to consider credit counselling or even bankruptcy. His response was "let me know if you need me to sign anything".

We went to the local park last night to watch the fireworks (Canada Day here yesterday). A neighbour, whose kids are good friends with my S, joined us. He recently split from his wife, but they were both there together with the kids for the evening. Both commented on the absence of my H. Fortunately I don't think S expected his dad to be there because he really didn't seemed fazed by his absence. The neighbour is good friends with my H and knows all about what's going on - I actually think he knows more than I do - asked how S is adjusting. He also said he didn't think H is spending enough time with S. I happen to agree with that comment but didn't say anything just in case it gets back to H. Not being around for S may just result in the one thing H says he doesn't want to happen - he keeps insisting he doesn't want to lose this son like he did the two with his 1st XW - two adult sons with kids of their own who want absolutely nothing to do with their father and have told him so in no uncertain terms.

I know he's not thinking straight and hasn't been for a while. I'm convinced he's MLC. He spends money that he really doesn't have, most of his friends aren't much older than his two oldest, he started working out again and is more muscular now than when we married. I've never mentioned MLC to him but he told me shortly after BD thats it's not MLC; it can't be because the OW isn't a younger woman - as if that is a prerequisite. Right now the world revolves around him and his wants/needs and he doesn't seem to care about those of his family, or his son in particular. I've gotten used to his attitude, having been pretending everything is fine since BD. Its my S I'm concerned about. He's already a sensitive kid, having been bullied in school and still recovering his self-esteem, and now he's got to deal with what he sees as rejection by his dad. And through all of this I still love the man I married, even though he's not the same man I'm married to today.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Interesting conversations yesterday and not with H. Took S round to H's place of work to pick something up from him. Seems he's been given a warning by his employers (came from one of the managers) that his behaviour is not acceptable - sounds like he's had OW in there at some point. He's rapidly running out of friends (from one of the regulars) there as well because most of them are older and therefore "old school" - you know, marriage is for life, not just until you get bored. A couple of them have been asking if S and I are okay - they don't care how H is doing, and in fact most of them don't understand why or what he's doing.

S didn't seem bothered by the meeting either; in fact, H had to call him back to say good bye. I know S is confused and hurting, and he misses having his dad around, but he's trying not to show it. Pretty mature for a 13 year old. He's offered to sell some of his toys that he doesn't play with any more and give me the money to pay the bills. Nearly made me cry with that comment. I suggested instead that if he really wants to sell the toys we should put the money aside so that we can do something special together when I take vacation from work next month.

I managed to have a conversation with H and leave without showing any emotion. Also got him to agree to discuss him paying more into the joint account to cover the debts, at least until we can get credit counselling set up. And he agreed to go ahead with the credit counselling even if it does ruin his credit (no comment about what it'll do to mine, but I let that slide). Pat on the back to me for that one.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Just going to keep journalling - it seems to help.

Had a good day yesterday - told myself when I woke up that it was going to be a good day and I managed to keep it that way. Didn't think about H or money problems at all. Not so good today - have to arrange the appointment with the credit counsellor today and I just can't seem to shake that "down in the dumps" feeling. I keep putting off the phone call while trying to reinstate a PMA.

No plans for the weekend except curling up with a couple of books - DR and DB to be exact - and lots of quality time with S13. He'll see his dad on Sunday for a few hours but other than that I'll be keeping him occupied and hopefully cheerful. He wants to go swimming but we're going to have to go shopping for swimwear first as mine is worn out. He hates shopping but has said he'll come with me to make sure I find something - my son knows what I'm like when it comes to shopping. Fortunately I have a gift card for the local mall so I don't have to worry about cash for this shopping trip.

It doesn't help when work is really quiet - but that always happens in the summer. Too much time for mind to wander into darker areas. Desperately trying to "make work" just to keep busy and keep mind from wandering. Oh well, they say the Lord only gives us what we can handle - I just want to know why he thinks I can handle this much.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Sunday as usual is H's afternoon with S. I managed to remain unemotional except for a brief weepy moment when discussing how much he was going to contribute to joint debts until we can get the credit counselling program in place. S seemed to enjoy spending time with his dad, and showed no emotion when he left. Good thing, because if he'd burst into tears like last week I would have as well.

My dad was with us and commented that H didn't seem to be his usual happy-go-lucky self this week. Is he finally realizing what he'd be giving up if he continues the path he's on? Dont' know and not going to try reading him.

Read most of DB on Saturday. Was pleasantly surprised to find out that I've been DBing for the past few months - ever since I realized that being emotional around H was definitely a mistake (thanks to reading the various posts on here, and to a couple of other websites out there). We were doing really well until a few weeks ago, spending time together, talking, affection, etc. He has an argument (or maybe just a bad phone call) with OW and he's spinning again.

S and I were going to put flowers on my mom's grave but the weather stopped that. But that plan reminded me about a conversation just before H moved out about our living will. We had it drawn up after our first son died several years ago and it outlines how whichever of us passes next will have our son's ashes with them when cremated. Those combined ashes will then be kept, as our son's have been, until the 2nd spouse passes, and they will have the combined ashes with them at cremation. H declared that he wants the living will to remain unchanged. Not sure how to take that - he isn't sure he wants to stay married to me, but he wants to spend eternity together. Go figure.

Guess that just proves that his mind is in a real turmoil. I'm just taking it one day at a time, trying to maintain PMA and GAL.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Hi NQ, some advice on getting people to read your thread. Post often, even a couple of times a day (I know, seems crazy but otherwise you fall way back and no one sees it) and post to others. They will often return the favor by posting to you.

Sorry you find yourself in this predicament but you can emerge from this a better version of yourself no matter what happens with the marriage. I know you want to save it, that may also be possible.

It sounds like you're doing what you need to do. What are you doing to GAL? New things, fun things? After I came out of the fog elicited by the BD, I made it a habit to say yes to more. So I did some things I wasn't really interested in but have found some other really fun things.

You'll have down days, accept them for what they are, don't beat yourself up about it.

You say your H was married twice before but both marriages were short, one produced 2 children. That requires a certain amount of time.

Why did those marriages end? Why doesn't he have contact with his older children?

Why do you think your H left?

If you could change one or two things about you, what would it be?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Originally Posted By: labug
Hi NQ, some advice on getting people to read your thread. Post often, even a couple of times a day (I know, seems crazy but otherwise you fall way back and no one sees it) and post to others. They will often return the favor by posting to you.

Sorry you find yourself in this predicament but you can emerge from this a better version of yourself no matter what happens with the marriage. I know you want to save it, that may also be possible.

It sounds like you're doing what you need to do. What are you doing to GAL? New things, fun things? After I came out of the fog elicited by the BD, I made it a habit to say yes to more. So I did some things I wasn't really interested in but have found some other really fun things.

You'll have down days, accept them for what they are, don't beat yourself up about it.

You say your H was married twice before but both marriages were short, one produced 2 children. That requires a certain amount of time.

Why did those marriages end? Why doesn't he have contact with his older children?

Why do you think your H left?

If you could change one or two things about you, what would it be?


Trying to post more often - home computer is super slow so very frustrating. Usually have to wait until break at work or use library/internet cafe.

GAL isn't easy when money is really tight. Did join the ladies from work for Relay for Life - an overnight walking relay to raise funds for cancer research - fun night and lots of non-work related chat. Researching free stuff in our area to do with S13. I've never been much of a socializer at any time. Picked up an old hobby I'd let lapse over the past few years - that is actually helping me feel more relaxed. One good thing out of this whole mess is that I've reconnected with both my sisters - we'd lost touch over the past few years for various reasons.

No kidding about down days although I'm getting much better at predicting them and somewhat better at fighting off the down feelings by forcing myself to "have a good day today" - usually works, but not always. A good cry in the shower is sometimes called for.

Both of H's marriages ended due to infidelity - hers, not his. 1st may have also been influenced by the fact that his MIL didn't like him. The boys, we think, have been influenced by his XW and his XMIL. He did reach out to both of them several times - mail was returned "moved, return to sender" and we have since found out the the MIL still lives in that house, so she was definitely interfering.

H told both me and S13 that he was leaving to "find space and time to sort out my feelings and so that we can make a fresh start. Every time he sees S13, he tells him that its still only a temporary split. I know he's confused about things - he sent a text to me that was meant for someone else stating as much.

The first thing I'd change about myself is improve my self-confidence. It's always been an issue - I was painfully shy as a child and actually that's never really changed much.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Originally Posted By: labug
You say your H was married twice before but both marriages were short, one produced 2 children. That requires a certain amount of time.


Should have said 1st XW was pregnant when they got married - I think that was the reason why, and the boys are only about 12 mths apart. Both of H's previous marriages lasted no more than 5 years combined.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Journalling - I've been really good about going keeping contact to a minimum since he moved out, texting only if H initiates and not replying immediately. Keeping responses short, same as H's txts to me usually are, and always related to S13 or the shared bills.

Last night was different. Had some really bad weather here and I know H is cycling to/from work. Decided to txt just to make sure he'd made it to where he's currently staying safely given the really dangerous road conditions - just to show that I do still care. His response was almost instant and not just one word. We texted several times during the evening with updates on power outages - all except the first one initiated by him, and most of them were not the usual one or two words, and all of my responses to him were almost instantly answered.

This is the longest conversation we've had in weeks. He even texted good night when I told him battery nearly dead and since without power still I was having an early night. Not going to read anything into this but it did make me feel a bit better that he was willing to chat (even if only by text).


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
I wish I'd found this site months ago. Every time I start to feel down or alone in this sitch, I come onto the site and start reading. It really helps seeing what others are doing and knowing that there are definitely others in the same, or similar sitches. All my friends are either happily single or happily married; none are going through any kind of marital problems (or least not as far as they know) and most of them have only one piece of advice, always the same - kick him to the curb and go back to being single. And to me, that is advice I can do without. There are always other options.

I've always hated rollercoasters, and this particular one is something I never thought I'd find myself on. If anyone had asked me a year or so ago what I'd do if I ever found out that hubby was cheating on me, I'd have sworn blind that it would be over. You never know how you'll react until you're in the situation.

I've come to understand over the last few months that H is confused and insecure (not something he's going to be used to as it's the complete opposite of what he used to be like). I know I played a part in our lack of communication, which is what he says initially drove him to talk to friends outside the marriage instead of to me about what he saw as the main problem - he's said it was that we stopped talking and had become complacent. And if he hadn't talked to certain friends, they would never have introduced him to OW. If they can live with the knowledge that they have contributed to a possible marriage breakdown (not to mention that OW knew from the start that H was married and until recently was still living with me), then none of them have the much of a conscience.

Having nearly finished reading DB and with DR sitting on my bedside table to start as soon as DB is finished, I've learned a lot about myself and I know I still have a long way to go.

I'm not the same woman H married - the ups and downs of life since we married have taken their toll on me emotionally and mentally, not to mention just the aging process - and he's not the same man I married - even more so lately. But this site and MWD's books are providing a lot of helpful info that I fully intend to use to the best of my ability. I still love my H, he was at one time my best friend, and whatever happens I hope that we can still be friends - even if just for the sake of our son.

I have learned that an affair is not a deal breaker for me. I hoping still that my M can be saved, but if not then hopefully DB and DR will make me a better person, more like the woman H fell in love initially. I know some of his friends have told him he'd be a fool to walk away from someone who is still willing to stand beside him despite all he's done to the family.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 66
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 66
Quote:

I have learned that an affair is not a deal breaker for me. I hoping still that my M can be saved, but if not then hopefully DB and DR will make me a better person, more like the woman H fell in love initially. I know some of his friends have told him he'd be a fool to walk away from someone who is still willing to stand beside him despite all he's done to the family.

NQ, I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm glad you are strong for your son. He needs that so much right now.
Keep up the good work on that front.

Sounds like your H has some friends who think highly of you. Be glad for that! Maybe, eventually, he'll listen to them.
I'm totally with you on the friends YOU have telling you to kick his butt to the curb. Mine all say the same thing; take him for everything, make him pay, hes an a$$hole. Um, yeah. Not my style.
Its strange to defend someone that's hurting you so much, huh? Then YOU look (& feel) like the ahole.
My H new friends barely know me, we've each met twice. I fed them in my home on holidays. I was kind, and tried to be accomodating.
What do they tell my H? Get a D, its easier, everyone will be happier. Both are D'd multiple times.
Whatever!! THEY are weak & selfish in my eyes...their children are the ones truely paying the price.

At least my MIL said it was "sad", not sure what all else. I haven't brought it up, haven't wanted to put her in the middle of this crap, especially since I KNOW who's side she'll take. Once my BILs find out, I KNOW they will tell my H he's nuts. They have repeatedly told him how lucky he was, over the years, to have a "cool" wife like me.

My H complained I an not the same girl he married, too. I would hope not!! I was 19. If I still acted that way in my mid 40s THAT would the problem( something seriously wrong)! But I get the point behind the comment. I think we lose ourselves lots of times in a marriage...like you said, hard experiences in life change you too! I'm sorry about your son passing. I can't even imagine that. I lost my mom when I was 10 & it changed me forever. I can imagine the same happening from your loss of your son. Hugs!!

We are also very similar in the fact that we originally believed affairs would be the "deal breaker" & out turned out they weren't. My H's EA/PA was 10 years ago, with another possible EA now...I thought I could never forgive it. I did & I'm trying.

I just wish your H would REALLY work on your M if he says thats what he wants. Its cruel of him to day it, then not even honestly TRY.
So confusing. I can't imagine whats going on in his mind.
It must honestly be awful to be so conflicted.
Keep your chin up. I'm pulling for you!


H48 M46
T26 M25
S25 D21
10/4/12 BD - ILYBINILWY, S
10/7/12 H Leaves, works 2 hours away
H Done 1/13
H tells S he wants D 2/13
NO R talk since - nothing filed
We live together weekends

Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5