Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need help applying DR (super long newcomer story)

Hi Irons, I don't have any good advice to give (I'm new here, too), but just wanted to stop by and send a hug and some support your way! Good luck on your journey, whatever the outcome may be!

Thanks, DMR - keep focused on the job. I know for me, it's an important thing to build back confidence when it's beaten down from all this DB business. My new co-workers value me and of course have no idea I have all this crap in the background. The kids are the other saviours for me - one of them tonight asked if I sleep in a different room so I don't wake mommy up in the mornings. It was sweet and made me think that maybe the younger ones don't notice as much as I thought. Their love and innocence has been a life saver - literally.

By the way, DMR, feel free to post your woes on this thread - it's not fair for me to have the monopoly on woeful stories here. Always nice to hear from a fellow geek.

CHL, the hug is much appreciated and I send one back - one can never get enough of those and it's one thing I miss dearly from my W. Thankfully, the kids have lots to give. Feel free to chime in with part of your story if you like, or let me know if you have your own Newcomer thread. And if you haven't posted one yet, you should - the responses here have made me feel better already and very welcome here.

I will post more later, but need to go to bed. Cheers!

Hi Irons, thanks for posting on my thread. I just saw your post today and responded but just wanted to stop back by to see of any updates - I hope you had a nice weekend and have a good week!

Also, moderation is hard but I kept posting my thoughts and was off in a little over a week - keep posting!

Thanks CHL and everyone else!

Had an OK weekend - a couple of very upsetting incidents at the start (too long to detail), but I weathered them pretty well emotionally. I spent the weekend doing things, which helped. One of W's complaints at MC was about me helping out around the house, which has been very difficult whilst depressed, but in DB mode on the weekend (and the past couple of weeks), I have been doing the dishes, washing the floors, doing laundry, etc. I have been pretty good about this in the past (I think), but definitely was no help recently as it's all I can do to get out of bed most weekends.

W mentioned on the weekend that she has noticed that I have been much more helpful - this was unsolicited. I have also stopped myself on several occasions from discussing R. I did screw up on this once over the weekend, but it didn't last long as W changed the subject as rapidly as possible. It is hard to not discuss it when that's the thing I want to resolve, but I am trusting the book and the people here that I am doing the right thing. What is the warning sign that it's OK to discuss again?

As for my GAL efforts, I have been eating healthily since late last week (I'm guessing I've gained 15 pounds since all this started) and am planning to run tonight (I used to be able to do 5K and I think I might make it 5 yards). I'm also going to make social plans with a friend this weekend and start to do a bit of my own thing during the week.

Thanks again for the support - being moderated, it's hard to keep this thread going in a timely manner, but I guess if I post enough, I'll be cleared.

Cheers and Happy DBing!

I know how you feel.
It's difficult having no expectations of the M but that's what is required.
Stay strong.

Keep up the good work with your 180s and GALs! The exercise may be a good outlet for some of your stress - I know it's helping me!

It's great that your W noticed this, but don't expect any points for it. I went crazy after BD and took EVERYTHING over, both my chores and W's chores. W noticed it and said something about it, but about 6 months later she finally told me that it had in fact made her angry! She said she felt like I was trying to push her out of the picture and do everything myself. You really can't do anything to make a WAS happy, whatever you do is going to be interpreted by them in a negative light. Sandi2 has talked about this in her posts (she was a WAW), the WAS just flat out doesn't want to like the LBS and won't see good in anything they do no matter how selfless. I'm still glad I did it because it prepared me for life after W moved out. Once she moved out it wasn't as big a shock because I was used to doing everything by then.



Believe me, I tried discussing it with my W from every angle (before discovering DB). IT DOES NOT WORK. It makes things worse. Don't do it!



It'll never be OK for you to initiate it, unless you're doing it because you want D. It's OK to talk about it if your W brings it up, but if/ when she does remember to validate her. Don't talk, just listen.



That's perfectly fine. GAL is getting out and doing SOMETHING. Then getting out and doing a little more. And a little more. It's hard at first, I had to force myself out of the house kicking and screaming. But the more you do it the less you have to fight yourself and the more you WANT to do. And that's the road to recovery

Many apologies for going radio silent. I have had a crazy roller coaster ride over the past week or so. After a few days where things seemed to be going really well, I got a mini-bomb from W that she was ready to sign a lease the next day and move out within a couple of weeks. I guess this got triggered (by my own fault) from my discussion of D a couple of weeks prior. I guess Sandi is right . In any case, that sent me on an immediate downwards spiral as it became very real for me. I managed to explain some very valid logistical reasons why the timing was terrible for everyone (there were many) and she decided not to sign the lease. But, as a result, I think she is very angry at me and waiting for the next opportunity to do so. The reality is that as much as I didn't want her to go, the other reasons would have made the situation an absolute disaster for all.

My initial reaction to all this was to become deeply upset and depressed, probably lower than I have ever been (and that takes some doing). My W and kids are my whole world and I saw it caving in right in front of me. If W leaves, I am done with things. I know that might be short-sighted or stubborn of me, but I believe that if things are bad enough to disrupt everyone's lives (especially the kids), then it is bad enough to call TOD (Time of Death) on the M.

However, sometime yesterday, I came to the realization that I could either wallow at the bottom or pick myself up and move forward. I've done the latter and, to my own surprise, become super positive. I am looking at everything differently all of a sudden and have already started a couple of new 180s (and continuing the prior ones). I am feeling like a different person (my old self maybe?). I'm not sure how this happened, other than to compare it to the addict who hits rock bottom and only then snaps out of it. I do have many mental tools that helped me beat my initial depression with which I am quote adept at now, so that has helped, as well and given me hope that it's not a temporary blip (like the dead cat bounce in financial markets - google that if you're interested).

In any case, I will be making every effort to be the S that anyone would be silly to leave. I don't imagine I have much time (maybe a month, although I would hope for more like 2 or 3). In the back of my mind, I have the realistic possibility that it's hopeless and I'm trying to push that thought aside. In the meantime, I'm pulling out all the stops with a SPMA (S is for Super) and going for broke with a rash of 180s. Surprisingly, it doesn't seem I have to force myself at this point, but it's only been a day.

I would love any words of encouragement or other thoughts that will help me keep my momentum.

Thanks!

p.s. as an interesting aside, during the discussions, she mentioned that she noticed a lot of positive changes in me and that it made her mad, but she wasn't sure why. I have read this many times on this site

In my opinion, and many may not agree, there could be many reasons for the anger.

You are taking away her reasons for leaving. As younegate all her complaints she will get frustrated because it brings her closer to feeling complete selfishness in the decision to break up the family.

Also, she can be angry because you are showing the ability to do the things she wanted you to do all along.

The last explanation is controversially. Some of the hardline folks on here would say that do all the household chores and being willing to do any and all things that are essentially her job, appears weak and not manly.

This is not the general perspective of must on here, which is why I say it is controversial. But many would say she is looking for you to show strength and leadership and manliness, not weakness and doormat actions. Not suggesting you are weak,.just sayinf that in the twisted mind a WAW, it COULD.be viewed as weak.

My opinion is that the WAW makes up a bunch of reasons why she is not happy with you, and focusing on those things doesnt help you become a more attractive husband.

Ever heard of a womam who is madly in love with her husband leave him because he doesnt do the dishes? Im not an expert, but my own sitch and my own readings have led me to comclude there is more to it than what our WAW says. and focusing on those details instead of the bigger picture of creating fun times, emotional intimacy, attraction, bonding etc can leave you wondering why nothing is changing.

If you have strong emotional intimacy and.a sense if closeness, you would not be required to do all the household chores....

Another way to think if it is uf the roles where reversed and you were the one wanting to leave, would the sight if youe wife mowinf the yard or taking out the trash (or any chore that is usually assigned to the husband) make you change your mind? Or would you perhaps think 'look how needy she is, she is even mowing to try to change my mind'.

She may even feel you are so oblivious to what she reallt needs, to where you think mopping the kitchen is wham she needs, even if that is what she suggested she needs. in,our wives mind, a good husband KNOWS what a woman needs.