Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

I can understand your feelings about going back based on my own experiences. For me, I thought when i left here in December that I was gone for good.

When i got back, I had the eerie feeling of "Been there done that". It was strange to see things that I was familiar with but still had a feeling of new.

However, now that I have been here for three weeks, it feels as though I never left. That I was on some kind of extended work assignment.

There is a certain solace that comes with the familiar surroundings. i wanted to move here. i wanted to live in this house. The only thing missing from my life is my W and my dogs.

Time is going to temper a lot of what you feel. Getting into the swing of working, getting your own place and making it yours, forging your own path... all these things will generate feelings of accomplishment and fuel you on. You will make new memories.

Quit looking so far ahead. Don't worry about things that have not happened yet... things that may never happen.. or the things that have.

You can not change the past. It is a cruel illusion that a lot of do to ourselves. We want to go back and make things right. We try to control everything so much that we want to include the past. Ain't happening, girl. Ever. it is a done deal.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm glad things went your way. Gives me hope.

For me I had a feeling of familiar, I enjoyed showing my friend around who came with me. I when to my old neighborhood that I lived in alone when I was 22. So much had changed; it was weird because when I got married we only moved 45 minutes away, in the 4 years of marriage I never went back, I truly gave a lot up for him at that's what I saw. I enjoyed seeing the old and new things, I liked being there, but I just had a feeling of this is no longer where I am supposed to be .... I guess that's how H feels when he sees me lol


I agree. The job I am going back to is in the town 45 mins away from the city. I felt better there than I did in the city. Every single thing there reminds me of H, but I didn't feel sad. So hopefully I will feel good about the decision after a few weeks, as you did.





You are right sir.
I sometimes think about things like, sheesh I wish I had seen things from a different angle at the time and made a better choice, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation. But the I quickly say.... can't change the past.

Now I'm sort of at the point where I am questioning my choices/decision making skills ... seems like I've made poor choice after poor choice from what I majored in, in college, all the way up to who I married (someone who once told me divorce would never be an options, yet threw me away seemingly easily instead of understanding this was my first real relationship, I am not perfect, but things could have been changed/worked on had they been communicated to me in a proper manner).

I want to make better choices from this point on. So this move somewhat scares me.... I pray and read and look for "signs"... I'm getting mixed signals or don't know how to properly place & apply the information I get. I get a Bible scripture that basically (to me)says I will be blessed any where I go then I go to church later in that day and the Pastor says "Even through you're going through pain, you've been strategically placed, stick it out" (don't move?). My brother sends me a text saying, "I really feel like that is your city, take it back!" (move?).

My brain is tired of thinking.... what will I do....what is right.... what is best....

Maybe the "stick it out" means sit with your pain, learn what it has to teach you and let it pass. You can do that from any physical location.

Good luck!

Well, I wouldn't exactly say things went my way... If they did I would have came home to a spotless house with my W greeting me at the door with a cup of hot coffee and an apple fritter... LOL!

Seriously, from my experience, people in your life will give you advice and tell you what they think you should do. No one walks in another person's shoes and "knows exactly" how it is making you feel. These peripheral people have no vested interest. They have no skin in the game. You can listen to them, validate their opinions, and then forge your own path. The final decision is YOURS, girl!

For me, I came home because I wanted to. I came home to keep the house out of foreclosure. I came home because I knew that it was necessary if I was to any chance of saving my marriage. Well, two out of three seems pretty good to me. I am back where I want to be and the house is safe for the moment.

Yes, being here does feel odd sometimes but I wanted to live here from the word go. Coming back is bittersweet because of the memories and all. However, I am here under my own terms and have no expectations from any one. I have set goals and have plans.

From my perspective, answering your desire for help, a better job is not a bad thing. Moving back to where you wanted to be before is not a bad thing. These are positive steps forward.

Don't let your feelings about your M temper your enthusiasm. You moved to where you are because your H got a job there. Well, he isn't there anymore. You didn't really want to move there in the first place so you are free to go to where you want.

I am not a real firm believer in the new age pschyobabble of "if it feels good just do it". If we all followed that advice, we would all be in a world of hurt. LOL!

Thanks labug!
I also felt the same, I'm not running from my "pain", the pain/hurt/feelings are within me... they are going where ever I go unfortunately lol, until I can finally get over them.

I'm trying to do what is logically.... but the back and forth comes when I think maybe I should step away from logic and simply have faith?

Even with DB, it's not about doing what seems logical, it's about doing the opposite.

So we'll see what decision I make.




It's actually not my M. It's just life in general, I guess it's my not wanting any more "wasted" years. He benefited a lot from our marriage (He moved to where I lived, so that, along with my support in allowing him to begin traveling, allowed him to make connections career wise that put him in the great position he's in now financially and various new career opportunities etc.... Also his health was terrible until we married and I made it a point to cook health meals 5 days a week, his health did a 180 and he no longer has to take medications. Those are just 2 examples.) I seemingly didn't benefit much, I allowed him to be great, and was patiently waiting for my turn. Instead he abandoned me... So I want to make the best choices possible from this point on with my life decisions, so that no more of my time on this earth is "wasted"....especially to some one else's benefit. (I know my time in the marriage wasn't a COMPLETE waste. there were good times and even now I've learned A LOT about myself through his BD, but hopefully you understand what I'm saying lol)


A little more insight into my dilemma w/ moving:

Where I live now (where we decided to move and make home base), I was planning to start a non-profit. In the last 6 months while waiting for him to return from his travel assignment, I purchased a property and have been renovating it.

So him leaving me will put the plans for my non-profit on hold. He was supposed to be our the main support financially (I would continue to work part time on weekends, do the non-profit work weekdays, until the point where it would start to pull in money to the point I could have a salary from it).

Now with out him I won't be able to follow through right now as I planned to....I have to work FT support myself. Which leaves no time to do the non-profit (whether I stayed here or not), so I have to revise my plan on how I will go about doing it differently.

My moving is the quickest way to support myself (the job is waiting for me, I don't have to apply, interview etc... for several weeks, get rejecting and keep applying for something), as possibly quickest way to save money and hopefully be able to get back to the non-profit at some point.

So yeah, it's not the M at all. It's just that I want to make a smart decision so I won't have another "wasted" year. So that's why it's hard to decide to stay here, continue working part time, working on the non-profit and HOPE it will all work it self out? Or move, work full time w/ benefits, save money that will help with any of my future plans/ideas, work on the non-profit long distance (or possibly start it with an online following first) and HOPE things will work out...also with moving would I end up throwing away my non-profit dream or would the time pass me by to do it if I'm not physically here?




I am the same. I hate when people say "do what makes you happy" or "life is to short to be unhappy" basically implying that people shouldn't think twice about their situation and what could be done to make it better, instead, if things are bad, leave! I believe most times you have to fight through your unhappy times, in order to find understanding on the other side. Running from your "unhappiness" is just a temporary fix, happiness comes from with-in, if you're allowing outside factors to steal your joy that's your issue, not the outside factors.

I am a big believe in not making big decisions based off of emotions. I believe my husband married me based off of the fact it "feels good...this makes me feel happy". All emotions are temporary. You have to work to keep them positive, especially in marriage.

My favorite quote on the subject:

"Those who are truly wise will remain unmoved by feelings of happiness and suffering, fame and disgrace, praise and blame, gain and loss".

Just dropping by to check in on your mimi and on your stitch

I think you're in a good place Mimi, with a good understanding of your emotions.

I sometimes fall into the the worry about "wasting" time but I realize that in the time since the bombdrop I have done so much emotional growth and it wouldn't have happened any other way. This is my life unfolding in front of me, smooth patches, bumpy patches, time spent in the ditches. I've just tried to keep moving forward.

Same here! Sometimes happiness comes with work and that is the best kind, IMO! My H needs to understand this concept!

I can relate to this. It was getting to a place where I didn't want to be anymore. I am thankful that people were in places that were able to help me on my journey.

Mimi, you will find these people, too.

I am rooting for you.

To use a worn out phrase... "you go, girl!"

He will. When he gets to a place and time when and where he is ready. He just isn't there yet.