What a week it has been! Just before the weekend started, feelings of anger, sadness toward my W recurred again! However, I feel that I am able to control my feeling more this time round. I am able to just accept the feelings and carry on after that.
Then on saturday i think i backslided hard. Initially i had a meetup with others to play pool at a local pool salon. I had the jitters of meeting new people and i preped myself that if this is what i fear to do most, that is what i need to be doing. So i did went to the meetup area, as the organizer was late for quite sometime, I'm not too sure whether it's whether i'm afraid to meet new people and i started to walked away or I was angry that this meetup was poorly organized as i have no contact details of anyone other than to just turn up. My co dependency of my W started appearing again!
Strangely enough the following day, my feelings for my W started to fade away. It seemed to be like I love her but i'm not in love with her anymore.
I'm going to dedicate the following section on how to become a man that only a fool will leave. Would love some inputs if possible
Complaints of my W about me plus my own self reflection:
Never compliment her
Spent too much time on the computer for gaming
Never listens to her needs even when spoken to me directly
Fixer when not needed
Always have excuses when something happened
Not independent enough
Could never say no to my mom
Draw the line with W on money issues
Keep to myself during conflicts
Turns defensive when attacked during conflict
Promise to change but always change back over time
Depend too much on W for my own happiness
Expects W to know what I'm thinking
Manipulative in my speeches to W e,g I took care of you last time, why don't you take care of me now
My love for W is not as unconditional as I though i am
Currently what i'm working on:
Learning to validate conversation with others
Compliment W when given the chance to meetup (not possible currently as she says she wants to be left alone now)
Stopped gaming and started replacing my free time with cooking
Keep a calm emotion when being attacked (there is some baby steps in this but i also realized that i will retort back in reaction at times.)
Reading up on self help books. Currently reading: Hope for the Seperated and Her Needs His Needs
Follow through on this motto: Do what i fear most.
Be very patient
I realized that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I realized that i might be anxious at time to get results but life have it own ways to bite me in the ass when this happens.
A quote I like "We can't control our emotions, but we can control our reaction to them".
It's good that you're keeping track of how you are feeling, asking your self why and then responding.
Continue to stay positive, it's great you know the changes you're making won't happen over night, but in time you will be better than you even imagined!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
What a journey it has been for me. That emotional roller coaster ride has been going on and on. That journey to be a better person has put me onto my own walking path. IF anyone told me whether i'll be able to stay this strong today 6 months ago after my BD, I would definitely not believe him/her. It is only after finding this website and reading DR that I manage to find my path. Great thanks to everyone and their support given to me. I really appreciate it a lot.
Here I am on my birthday today thinking back on the past 6months. Everything that I've done started off from trying to reason with my W. Then it proceed to begging and crying. All these never worked. Then came the spying of my W phone and discovered that she's talking to other male. Confronted her and it did not end good. Went back to the cycle of begging and crying again.
During the period of begging and crying, I looked at myself from afar and realized that I was not the person who i used to be. I was putting my W up onto a pedestal. I was worried that every action i did would anger her. I basically apologize to her eventhough i was not in the wrong. However i couldn't stand to lose my W and went on the cycle again eventhough i need to change myself.
About 2 months ago, after finding out this website and reading DR, I realized all the mistakes that I've made. I know that my marriage broke down due to the both of us. However, I owe up to my mistakes which i commited to my W in writing. She replied that it's good that i realized the mistakes that i've done and wish that I would let her be alone as she is hurt whenever I contact her. She hoped that i've move on with life just as she is doing.
Thus from then on, I've been in no contact with her. I've been reading up a lot on relationship books and knowing the wrongs that i've done being a better person. Enhancing my knowledge base on how to react in the future. Fast forward to today, I've been thinking of her for the past few days. I wanted to text her "I miss you, W" but i've decided to apply the 48hrs rule.
It has been more than 5 days since i want to text her and i still have the feeling of doing it. I do know that IF i were to proceed to text her, i should not have any expectation from her. It could be that it's my Birthday and i'm getting emotional.
and a belated happy birthday to you. Your list above is great.
A few ideas:
o it sounds like just getting out and meeting people would be good for you. Are your meetups themed, that is, centered around something? I think having a center would make it easier to socialize. o what are your fears? List a few here if you like. What do you want to learn/gain from doing so? o practicing conflict sounds useful for you. Can you role play with someone? Can you mentally rehearse? o I don't understand the draw the line with money issues point. Could you clarify, please?
Good luck -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
It has been a long time since i've left a journal here. Been bz at work lately. But i've been checking in on everyone's situation here whenever i have the time.
I've just received a text from W.
She asked the following:
When are we going to sell the house? Who is going to pay for the loan? How will the proceeds be divided after we sell it. What if one of us decided to get married again what will happen to the house. Also when are we going to file for the separation and divorce.
Would really appreciate it if anyone can give any advice on how to reply. I've told my wife i will let her have an answer by tomrrow night. As i need to think about it.
My two cents worth DigDeeper: Wife, I do not wish to sell the house or to remarry, or to file for separation or divorce. I wish to work on my new marriage, not the old marriage we had. I cannot control your actions.
Something along those lines. But leave it for awhile until some better worded vets come along.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I have no intention to file for separation or divorce. I do not believe that divorce is the way out. However, I do understand that you feel that it is your only option and you're feeling hurt. I'm sorry to hear that but I respect that this is your decision and i understand how you're feeling now.
I wish to work on my new marriage and not the old marriage we had. If i had to do it all over again, i would do it in another way.
I do not intend to sell our house. I intend to live in it and you're welcome to stay when you're willing to work on our marriage. I'll be paying off the loan of the house. The house proceeds will be split according to the contribution of the house loan.
