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You know you did awesome, so I won't be redundant.



My W said similar, both when I initially found out back before BD#1, and also this late winter I think. Then she also said she hates me "because I know". I think they really don't want to hurt us, but can't seem to answer their demons' questions without hurting us.

I like your boundaries. They are good, and clear. You did well following up with H, their brains are so swiss-cheezy...

"f-buddies"...lol...W didn't like it AT ALL when I referred to her "boy-toys" once in anger..."by their actions ye shall know them"...or something like that.

How did last night go Raine? Hope you're still feeling strong.

Raine, just catching up on your story. Sorry that you had to have that experience.

Sounds like you are handling things in a strong and graceful manner. Good for you.

Stay Strong!

Wow, just wow. I so appreciate all of these messages of support. It means so much to me. I know that what I'm doing may not be the same as what others would do in this situation, but to take this path and still have such overwhelming support, not matter what direction I tread...it's a lot to take in. I know that going through something like this in life, self-esteem takes a massive blow, and it's difficult to accept much of anything. I'm gonna take it though. Every last bit of it.

I haven't been able to get on much to write, but to see these messages come through from everyone, just gives me that extra boost to know I'm doing the right thing for me, for him, and for the kids.

I sure do love you guys. I'm not in love with you, but I feel like if we put our minds to it and work really hard, anything is possible. I truly feel that after being the lifeline of an MLCer, the next logical step is polyamory. Anyone else in?

uR My goodness, lady, you are such an amazing friend. You are a blessing to every life you touch. Thank you for being there on that dark day. I know you have so much going on in your life, and you acted like I was the only thing that mattered. There needs to be more of you to go around in this world. The more you can do to reach others and touch their lives, the better this world will be. Do everything you can to spread that joy of yours around. Thank you for everything.

T2 You know you're awesome. You were there when no one else could have been. I wonder what would have happened without having your calming force there. "Yikes" right? I could have blown that up even more, for sure. Believe me, I've done the replay in my head. It was pretty amazing!

I think you were pretty nice in using the term boy-toy. I need to think of a new term I guess. I dunno. I REALLY like f-buddies. Maybe I switch it to special-buddies? Band-aids? I spoke to him like they were objects, like a drug. But you know I'm still trying to get over feeling bad for them, at least some of them.

snodderly I hope that how this ended up playing out that he knows I'm dead serious in the boundaries. That was very healthy for me, because the only boundary I had set before was if he got his own place I would file. Now I feel very good in that now these things have been verbalized beforehand. I will not have any doubts of action if they are broken. And from what I can tell, he has dropped them without even a word as to why. Even though I said he could tell them he couldn't talk to them and that was it, to leave it at that, he hasn't done that either. I think it could be he wants to see messages from them, see them worry about him, feel that they want him, but that is total mind reading. It very well could be he is taking my boundaries very seriously and he is not going to even come close to touching it.

I do worry that I have yanked him out of his path by forcing action. But I too feel I had no choice. There had to be massive ramifications from being caught. I can't turn a blind eye to that and continue to let him live here and stay married to him. Hopefully this isn't negative to his journey and leads him back this way again. It meant a lot to me that you said you were proud of me.

I agree. He is not jumping through hoops to get me back. He is not remorseful. Any "sorry" is more of a reflection of his own guilt.

kml you gotta be frustrated with me sometimes. I am glad to be in a position that I really can say, yes, it ends now. He has the verbal warning and know the consequences. I feel like I've come too far to not do that. And I don't think I could have ever been able to say, "I'm sorry you feel that you need to live here, but you can't, so get out." But if he falters, I know that I won't either. I was already taking that step when he was going to get his own place. I'm glad that I feel strong about that. I'm also glad that the kids did not get jerk around in this one either.

Linda You are so sweet. How your body manages to contain that massive heart is beyond me. Thanks for checking in on me. I think it's really interesting to hear the same things too, that this limbo state is where they feel comfortable.

There are a few things my H really latched onto from MC after the first bomb drop. The main one is that men who file for D, typically have regrets. Women do not. The rational being that women typically think it through more and when it gets to that point, they really have tried everything they could to save the marriage. Men tend to move too fast and then feel the regret when it's too late. The men here are an exception to that. I know that going to that wedding without H was extremely difficult on him. He doesn't want me, not at the cognitive level, but he doesn't want the regret of waking up, seeing clearly, and I'm long gone. Limbo is very safe. Linda, I'm sure you will do far better than I did if you're sitch his this unfortunate rut.

AJ I so value your opinion and I dig your perspective on things. You get me thinking and questioning, and that is a very good thing. I try to post as matter of fact as possible, being careful to distinguish between events as they took place (at least to my perception) and my own thinking and mind reading. You're able to take all of that and pull insight from it that I wasn't even considering. Pretty darn cool!

I don't think he feels bad I'm in limbo. I think it was a means of communication to go from me saying I don't want to be in limbo to him saying he has to be there and he feels guilty that he is dragging me in there with him, but nothing he can do about it. I don't think any time he says "sorry" his is actually apologizing. To me a true apology brings about change and remorse, and as he said before his trip, he can't see beyond himself right now, and he is sorry about that. He is sorry that he is so blinded right now to my feelings, not sorry that he has caused the feelings, is how I took it. I do sense there is the desire to be able to see and feel and sense what is going on with others around him, and he feels sorry for himself that he is incapable of that.

I do feel like I got to be there for him, for now. I don't feel like that will always be the case, but there has to come a point. I truly do want him to be happy and successful. I want him to have an amazing relationship with the boys. I want him to be in a loving relationship. I fully accept that this may not be with me. I want those things for me too, and I accept it may not be with him. Those things are far more important to me than a relationship with him. Do I want that too? Absolutely. But if it's one or the other, I chose for him to be happy with someone else. Someone amazing. And he would not chose wisely right now.

You're point #2 made me feel 8ft tall. I'm glad that's how you saw it too. I felt very strong in that moment and confident I was doing the absolute right thing. It was an intervention. I can't enable it anymore. I feel like I took back control, that I'm no longer floating in the wind of waiting for him to decide how long his tunnel is and how much he needs to complete whatever it is he needs to complete. Thanks for always being here for me.

Wonka You're so dang cute, you know that? I promise I used the full size, super duper, titanium skillet. No easy-bake oven stuff on this one. Now I need some help getting this lifeless mass into the oven. You game?

Thanks ForeverYoung, BrightFuture, Whiterose, and SemperFi00 for being here and your encouragement. Having your messages come through and knowing that you cared and felt I was being strong and doing it right...it meant a lot. I needed that.

Not too much in regards to sitch update. I'm doing well. Things are pretty much the same as they were before. I'm noticing stuff with H, that I'll get in a post here soon. I have been checking out Cs. I always wanted H to do this, but I don't think he will really put much thought into who at this point, so I feel I better steer him in the initial direction. He's not going for the right reason, although he has been saying for a year he needs to. Maybe getting him through the door with someone he can trust, will be a very good thing, despite the reason that got him there.

Oh Raine, what an amazing post. Thank you so much for your kind words.

It speaks volumes about who you are and what you are made of that so many people on here care about you and are cheering you on.

I can feel the strength and courage in you, R. I can feel the resoluteness.

I know it was a long, difficult journey to get to where you are today, but, oh boy, was it worth it.

To see you so empowered, so sure, so confident, and filled with such compassion is simply incredible.

You are an amazing woman, my friend. I am so very proud to "know" you and I am honored to be with you on this journey.

I have said it before and will say it again. I have been here a long time and have met some very fantastic people. But, this particular group of people on this forum are truly so very special.

Raine Sweetie: Sure, will happily do so for YOU...do you have a pair of long-handle prongs somewhere in the kitchen drawer that I can use to pick up H by the scruff of his neck and shove him right back in the oven?

I wish you a life filled with peace, joy and love! Truly!!

Oh yea, Raine, you can always go old school and call them a
"booty call". LOL!

Raine, I know it was tough, but you did what you needed to do. And you set very clear boundaries, so there is no way your H can say he didn't know better if he does mess up.

You've told him that you love him, but that you have to take priority over him. There's no need to feel bad about putting yourself first.

Take care of yourself!

Oh Raine. I just caught up on your sitch and I am so very sorry for you that you had to go through this.

On the other hand maybe it was good in a sense. I think h sees how determined you are that he is not going to disrespect you or your kids the way he has been. I also think he may have gotten a swift kick realizing he is coming way too close to losing all of you. This is 2 times recently, the other being when you weren't home when he got home.

You are a very strong person and I think this just proved it to yourself. Sometimes i think it takes a bold move such as this for us to see just how far we have come.

I finally told my h that i was done. He was also disrespecting me because he too had gone back to OW. I'm not sure because it just happened tonight but I think he too is backpedaling a little but I'm holding my ground too. He has said a few things tonight that make me think he is worried that I said I am done.

I am hoping someone can answer this for us. I noticed you said that he did not really say he was sorry and also I guess he didn't ask for forgiveness. The same with my h. Why is this? Normal people would feel terrible and say they were sorry and beg for forgiveness. Why don't our h's?

I want to say how wonderful you handled this awful situation but now you know how strong you are and your kids are so lucky that they have you. He is the one that is going to have to answer the kid's questions. How he chooses to handle it will be interesting.

And I do understand the need to be there for him. I feel exactly the same way but there comes a time when it comes at the expense of our sanity and our kids we have to be careful too.