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I feel like I got duped into the settlement process once again. I should have carried on with my plans to relocate even if it meant getting a court order to do it. So once again the attorneys have been scrambling for a week (just like the week back in March) only to get to this point where it may all fall apart. Xh and his attorney must think I'm stupid. We agreed on support and what it would include and which expenses would be add-ons that we would split. The latest version of the agreement states the monthly amount that was agreed to, but says that x amount will be considered an advance and will be taken out of the bonus money I receive each year. So, they think they found a clever way for me to pay for expenses that we agreed he would pay while still receiving the same monthly support. I cannot believe that they would just slip that in as if it would go unnoticed.

What a fool I am to think that he may have changed in any way. The apologies I have been receiving only show that he doesn't want to rock the boat before the settlement is signed. Why do I constantly look for the good in people and ignore the warning signs?

GM,
You will need to stand firm and move forward on what you and your boys will need to live on. I think your h doesn't really know what he wants. He's been dragging his heels on this settlement for a long time and it makes me wonder if he's not sure of what he wants or he's hoping that he can wear you down into agreeing to anything to just get rid of him. Whatever the reason, you need to be cautious whenever they are being nice. Generally, when dealing with a MLC, nice = they are up to something and/or you are about to be screwed over royally.

If he doesn't cooperate and settle the issues as discussed, I think I would move forward with the court order to move and I would have the attorney lay out all of the reasons that you are proceeding this way. It's very evident your h is jerking your chain and the lawyer is going along w/it because it's more money in his/her pocket.

I'm sorry that things are looking bleak again, but stand firm and show this man that you are stronger than he thinks.

Re and Reread snodderly post. Stand firm and be stronger then he believes you can be. Seems like your new L is competent - listen to his advice.

After reading your sitch and noting your Hs behaviour, you can't really say you were surprised, right? I wasn't.

Snodderly's advice is great. I also suggest that any contact with H right now is stopped. You don't discuss settlement, it's kids and finances.

The future is going to come anyway. You can't stop it, but you can waste today worrying about to or row. Before you know it, a lot of tomorrow's became today's and you are no further ahead.

I know it's not easy, but everyday find something to be grateful for, even the dollar you found in your jeans, you know??

While there are fall backs like kids and health, try something new everyday.

Today i am grateful I have coffee....man, I am tired

Thank you, snodderly and BMom. I am feeling very strong. I no longer become fearful when xh pulls this stuff. I become angry and take action. I have the power in this situation. Clearly he wants this agreement signed or he wouldn't have sent me a text. He knows he's trying to get over on me. He also knows that if I want to leave the area I can even if I have to go to court first. That was the purpose of his phone call last week. When my attorney informed his that I was moving xh quickly got into action to figure out what he could offer to keep me here. Once I agreed he mistakenly thought he had the upper hand and decided to tweak things in his favor.

Not only does he not have power over me he doesn't have any with the boys either. They told the whole story to the therapist who had "strong words" for xh when he gave him a report on the session. He may never have a relationship with the boys. It's completely up to them and the therapist is backing them up. This therapist is well respected and is very familiar with child custody issues.

Who knows what today will bring. I will talk with my attorney this afternoon. She stills believes we'll get this settled. I trust that she will do her very best and I'll cooperate, but I'm not bending over backwards to accommodate xh. I'd rather cut my losses and be free of this entire situation.

Thanks, KP. I do have a grateful heart and none of xh's antics will change that. You're right. Why would I be surprised by anything xh does? I need to start laughing at his nonsense.

My family, especially my kids, my friends, neighbors and co-workers are all my mirror. I know I am living honorably. I am kind, loving, giving and hard-working. Because of this I have lots of good people in my corner. Who does xh have? All he really has is his lawyer, who's being paid to support him, and a loser gf who he fights with. He foolishly thinks that once the settlement is done he will be happy. It's then that he will realize all that he's lost.

""""My family, especially my kids, my friends, neighbors and co-workers are all my mirror. I know I am living honorably. I am kind, loving, giving and hard-working. Because of this I have lots of good people in my corner. Who does xh have? All he really has is his lawyer, who's being paid to support him, and a loser gf who he fights with. He foolishly thinks that once the settlement is done he will be happy. It's then that he will realize all that he's lost."""

Exactly! I need to remember this as well

Yes you guys, it would do us all well to remember the love and support we have :))

I have amazing friends too, that just listened to my roller coaster ride, didn't judge, let me tag along and simply let me be.

We are lucky people

I'm still waiting for all of the tweaking to be done. My attorney hasn't called but she has my thoughts via email and I trust her to be a good advocate for me and get this done. Xh has texted again wanting to know if I signed and, if not, what my sticking points are. His attorney will need to advise him. He's no longer going to fly off the handle at me. I've learned many times over that I can't trust him. While part of him may want to work through any remaining issues cordially, the narsacistic addict will always win out. He's not healthy enough to be trusted. I kept believing in him the way people often do when their addicted loved one asks for something. I need to sever the bond and will need help doing it.

I'm so close to total freedom from this chaos that I can taste it. I'm becoming really impatient. I'm trying to focus on the life I want and act and think as if it is reality.

Something hit me today as I was sitting and thinking I really need to get up and start some laundry or clean a part of the house. I've been a neat freak my whole life. Everything always had to be spotless and orderly. The lack of urgency had me thinking that I was so depressed I no longer cared. Today I realized, while I sat contently, I no longer feel the need to control. Yes, things need to get done and my house is tidy, but I am no longer in perpetual motion, cleaning, organizing, planning and trying to keep order in my life while I keep anxiety at bay. I no longer live with an addict and have a lot more control over my life then I've acknowledged. I'm still me, organized and detailed oriented, but not frantically multi-tasking trying to be the perfect housewife and mother. That in itself is freedom.

GM,
I think you've come to realize that you can't discuss the details of the settlement w/your h. I agree that from now on, any questions he has regarding what your "sticking points" are, he should be speaking to his lawyer about it. That's what both of you are paying the lawyers to do, i.e., hash out those "sticking points". Once he comes to realize that he can no longer control and/or manipulate you, maybe he'll move forward. He's been the master of control/manipulation for quite some time and he tends to tell you things that have given you hope and as for being nice...never trust that quality w/mlcers when it comes to dealing w/divorce and settlement. A large majority of them always have an ulterior motive and it's always something they want and not the other way around. It's all about them and they will do anything to try to get what they want.

I would suggest that you only respond to questions regarding the children for now. As for any other conversations, either refer him to your lawyer or change the subject.

GM, freedom isn't that far away, but you need to be patient a while longer. You don't want to appear too impatient because that's when errors can be made. Dig deeper for a bit more patience. Okay?

I think you are slowly discovering the new and improved GM as you travel your life's path, whereby the need to control something is no longer important. Take time to stop and smell the roses along the way. Enjoy the little things in life and always remember...those dust bunnies will be there another day, i.e., they sure aren't going away any time soon. LOL.

I hope this week is a far better week for you. Take care of yourself.